Not since Scott Pilgrim and Ramona Flowers broke up and then immediately got back together have the last few moments of a movie so unnecessarily soured what was otherwise a genuinely wonderful experience. Spider-Man: Homecoming suffers from an ‘Okay, can we just stop watching here?’ ending, and it confuses me wildly that someone thought a […]

Earlier today, I attempted to call my phone company in order to sort out an upgrade, and, when I was inevitably put on hold, I found that, in lieu of the typical polyphonic elevator music, I was to be subjected to what I can only describe as a bizarre clacking reminiscent of the old Internet dial up tone. As I was too lazy to endure the simply arduous torture of holding my phone up to the side of my face, I decided to plug it into my earphones, meaning that I could hear nothing but the robotic white noise reverberating through my skull.

Okay, I’m a little late for this one, but it’s been eating me up inside since I reluctantly saw the movie on a plane last month. 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: a film that tries desperately to convince us that it isn’t a Michael Bay film, all the while trying desperately to emulate a Michael […]

So my friend Charlie and I were discussing those Google App commercials where Google basically pretends that no one has even heard of Siri over the last couple of years, and makes out that asking your phone questions is still super amazing. The annoying thing, however, is that in the commercials, Google doesn’t seem to be directly answering the questions, which seems weird when you assume that google cherry picked these question/answer interactions for how well they sell the product. Like, the correct, direct answer to ‘Will I need an umbrella today?’ is not ‘Here’s today’s weather forecast.’, you dumb robot.

Anyway, this is the increasingly moronic series of text messages that Charlie and I sent to each other. I’ll do mine in bold, and Charlie’s in italic. Enjoy.

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Here’s an unusual encounter that befell me yesterday. I was at work, quite quiet, very hot, when in walked a fully uniformed policeman. They occasionally make the rounds in my area, popping in just to say hello and reinforce their presence. This chap, however, was a little more memorable than many of his predecessors.

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*phone rings*

Bad guy: Are we finally ready to negotiate?

Good guy: Look, god, I’ll bring you the damn money, just please don’t hurt my family, please.

Bad guy: Very well. You have 8 hours.

Good guy: I, uh… 8 hours? Dude, it’s like a 10 hour drive just to get to you.

Bad guy: Oh, yeah. Uh, that could be a problem, huh.

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The story of how a stranger came in to my shop and kind of asked me to cheat on my girlfriend.