*phone rings*

Bad guy: Are we finally ready to negotiate?

Good guy: Look, god, I’ll bring you the damn money, just please don’t hurt my family, please.

Bad guy: Very well. You have 8 hours.

Good guy: I, uh… 8 hours? Dude, it’s like a 10 hour drive just to get to you.

Bad guy: Oh, yeah. Uh, that could be a problem, huh.

Good guy: Sort of, yeah.

Bad guy: Umm, maybe catch a flight?

Good guy: You really think I can get a booking at this late notice? Can’t I just transfer the money to your, I don’t know, offshore Swiss bank account, or whatever.

Bad guy: Uhh, I’d really prefer cash, if that’s cool.

Good guy: Well, I’m sorry, but 8 hours is literally a no-can-do.

Bad guy: Do not test my –

Good guy: No, I just… seriously, it’s not actually possible.

Bad guy: Ugh, fine! You have 24 hours.

Good guy: 24 hours? And you want it in cash? Bro, I don’t think you’re thinking this through.

Bad guy: What? Why not?

Good guy: What day is it?

Bad guy: Uh, Saturday.

Good guy: Right. Know any banks open over the weekend?

Bad guy: Fuck.

Good guy: Yeah. Even 48 hours is pretty unlikely. Can you even withdraw this much out of a single account in one go?

Bad guy: I, uhh, I don’t… okay, maybe I am being a little unreasonable here.

Good guy: I mean… no, it’s just –

Bad guy: No, no, it’s cool, I’m sorry. Look, why don’t we just say 3 days, okay?

Good guy: Is that 3 business days or 3 regular days?

Bad guy: Oh, business days. I’m not, you know… I don’t want to be a dick about it.

Good guy: Okay, yeah, that’s great, that shouldn’t be a problem. So I’ll aim to get to you by, say, Tuesday evening, maybe Wednesday morning?

Bad guy: Yeah, and if anything goes wrong, just give me a shout and I’m sure we can work it out.

Good guy: Okay, I appreciate that. Cool.

Bad guy: Cool. And, uh, just remember, if you go to the police or anything, I’ll obviously –

Good guy: – kill my family?

Bad guy: Aaaah, you got it. Hah.

Good guy: Yeah, no worries. Alright, I’ll see you soon.

Bad guy: Cool, okay. See you in a bit.

*hangs up phone*

Join the conversation! 5 Comments

  1. Well you’d sure get to hear something like this if it was a movie like say something out of the scary movie series :P

  2. Bad guys are never this cool, and good guys aren’t known to be good negotiators :P

  3. So, like, the kidnapper is Canadian then? Is that what we’re saying?

  4. LMAO…and @Wolfshades…LOL…Put that in a movie and I’ll be in tears. There was something like it in Fargo, but not this good. :D



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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for


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