Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel like no one understands me.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.

Patient: I just feel like everyone treats me like garbage.

Doctor: Don’t talk, rubbish.

Patient: And people just seem to push me aside, like I don’t matter.

Doctor: Sorry… just got to grab some of that gauze tape behind you.

Patient: I also feel like people are always talking about me behind my back. Just whispering ‘Charlie this, and Charlie that…’

Doctor: Ooohh, you’re that Charlie!

Patient: And sometimes, I just feel like I’m invisible. Like no one even knows I’m here.

Doctor: Nurse, can you send in my next patient, please.

Patient: Are you even listening to me?

Doctor: Pardon?

Patient: I’m serious, doctor.

Doctor: No, you’re serious patient. I’m serious doctor.

Patient: I’m honestly considering hurting myself.

Doctor: What are you going to do, watch Dane Cook doing stand up?

Patient: I mean it. I just want to die.

Doctor: Then you should check out Archer, season 4! You’ll die laughing.

Patient: What’s wrong with you!? I need help, I’m having a breakdown!

Doctor: Do you want me to get the jumper cables and call the RAC? They fix 70% of vehicles on the roadside.

Patient: What’s wrong with you? I feel like shit.

Doctor: I was wondering what that smell was…

Patient: I’m going to fucking kill myself!

Doctor: When you realised you missed out on the McDonald’s half price McRib special!

Patient: I’m going to stick this scalpel in my neck!

Doctor: Put that down, it probably isn’t sharp enough.

Patient: Do you honestly not care if I just slit my throat and bleed to death right here!?

Doctor: Of course I do. I just had the carpet shampooed.

Patient: *shlirrkOuh aaar aaghhh… *shlomp*

Doctor: I guess I should have gone for red flooring.

Patient: …

Doctor: Jeez, I get a better reaction when I tell people they have HIV!

Patient: …

Doctor: Well, I guess a lying down ovation is almost as good as a standing one.

Patient: …

Doctor: Hmmm… nurse, it may have happened again. Notify the family.

Patient: …

Doctor: Looks like we’ll both be getting it in the neck for this one, chum!

Patient: … heh heh… s’funny…

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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for


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