‘Doctor, Doctor; this isn’t a joke!’
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I feel like no one understands me.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.
Patient: I just feel like everyone treats me like garbage.
Doctor: Don’t talk, rubbish.
Patient: And people just seem to push me aside, like I don’t matter.
Doctor: Sorry… just got to grab some of that gauze tape behind you.
Patient: I also feel like people are always talking about me behind my back. Just whispering ‘Charlie this, and Charlie that…’
Doctor: Ooohh, you’re that Charlie!
Patient: And sometimes, I just feel like I’m invisible. Like no one even knows I’m here.
Doctor: Nurse, can you send in my next patient, please.
Patient: Are you even listening to me?
Doctor: Pardon?
Patient: I’m serious, doctor.
Doctor: No, you’re serious patient. I’m serious doctor.
Patient: I’m honestly considering hurting myself.
Doctor: What are you going to do, watch Dane Cook doing stand up?
Patient: I mean it. I just want to die.
Doctor: Then you should check out Archer, season 4! You’ll die laughing.
Patient: What’s wrong with you!? I need help, I’m having a breakdown!
Doctor: Do you want me to get the jumper cables and call the RAC? They fix 70% of vehicles on the roadside.
Patient: What’s wrong with you? I feel like shit.
Doctor: I was wondering what that smell was…
Patient: I’m going to fucking kill myself!
Doctor: When you realised you missed out on the McDonald’s half price McRib special!
Patient: I’m going to stick this scalpel in my neck!
Doctor: Put that down, it probably isn’t sharp enough.
Patient: Do you honestly not care if I just slit my throat and bleed to death right here!?
Doctor: Of course I do. I just had the carpet shampooed.
Patient: *shlirrk* Ouh aaar aaghhh… *shlomp*
Doctor: I guess I should have gone for red flooring.
Patient: …
Doctor: Jeez, I get a better reaction when I tell people they have HIV!
Patient: …
Doctor: Well, I guess a lying down ovation is almost as good as a standing one.
Patient: …
Doctor: Hmmm… nurse, it may have happened again. Notify the family.
Patient: …
Doctor: Looks like we’ll both be getting it in the neck for this one, chum!
Patient: … heh heh… s’funny…
