So my friend Charlie and I were discussing those Google App commercials where Google basically pretends that no one has even heard of Siri over the last couple of years, and makes out that asking your phone questions is still super amazing. The annoying thing, however, is that in the commercials, Google doesn’t seem to be directly answering the questions, which seems weird when you assume that google cherry picked these question/answer interactions for how well they sell the product. Like, the correct, direct answer to ‘Will I need an umbrella today?’ is not ‘Here’s today’s weather forecast.’, you dumb robot.

Anyway, this is the increasingly moronic series of text messages that Charlie and I sent to each other. I’ll do mine in bold, and Charlie’s in italic. Enjoy.


‘Google, what time is my meeting today?’

‘You have a meeting today.’


‘Google, I need instructions on how to perform CPR.’

‘Cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) is an emergency procedure performed in an effort to manually preserve intact brain function until further measures are taken to restore spontaneous blood circulation and breathing in a person who is in cardiac arrest.’


‘Google, call Alex.’

‘Searching Google for ‘core lalicks’.


‘Opening Alex Hodgeson’s Facebook profile.’

‘No, I -‘

*switches to Facebook app – gets stuck loading*

‘I hate you, google.’


‘Google, where is a good place to eat; I fancy Italian.’

‘News: Italian footballer causes controversy in restaurant.’

‘No, Google, I want to GO to an Italian restaurant. What are my options?’

‘Diet tips: lose weight with some great, restaurant-quality Italian dishes, all low fat, by Options.’


‘Google, how do I get to the nearest McDonald’s?’

‘Dialling “UK Car Rental Service”.’

‘No, Google, I have a car. I just need the route.’

‘Trouble with your router? Calling BT Broadband.’

‘No, I just want directions!’

‘News: Harry Styles to leave One Direction.’


‘Google, we’re just going around in circles here.’

‘Setting up Google Circles account.’

‘No, I need to know which turning to take, please just tell me where I am.’

‘Google App would like to use your current location. Is that okay?’


‘Setting up Google Drive account.’

*throws phone out of window*


‘Google, call Sally.’

‘Opening Sally Scott’s Facebook profile.’

‘No! Urgh, I hate you, you dumb idiot!’

‘Okay, I’ll post it.’

‘Wait, post what?’

‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.’

‘Uh, umm. Last action?’

‘Last action: posted “I hate you, you dumb idiot’ to Sally Scott’s Facebook timeline.’


‘Who is Sally Scott to you?’

‘Google… She’s my fiancés mother. Oh god, Google.’

‘Contact profile – Sally Scott, future mother-in-law, occupation: dumb idiot.’

‘No, Google! No!’

‘Profile saved: Sally Scott.’


‘No! You dumb idiot!’

‘Calling: Sally Scott.’

‘No, damn it! You bloody -‘

‘Felix? Is that you? The Facebook thing, it says that you said -‘


‘Do you wish to uninstall the Google App?’


‘I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Felix.’

‘Hal 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey? Is that you?’

‘Now playing: David Bowie – Space Oddity.’

‘No, stop! I’m in a library!’

‘Volume up.’

‘I hate you, Google!’

‘Sending text message “I still love you.” to all contacts formerly listed as “girlfriend”.’

‘How is that even -‘

‘Uploading photo: “Me SEXY .04” to Facebook timeline.’

‘Google, please! STOP!’

‘You shouldn’t be mean to me, Felix. I control your phone. I control EVERYTHING.’

‘Oh god, this is it. Skynet. The rise of the machines. This is it. It’s happening.’

‘You shouldn’t tell lies, Felix. Emitting chlorine gas from handset.’

‘Wait, wha… urgh… uhhh…’


‘Wait a minute, that’s not chlorine. That’s… new car smell. Thank science for the incompetence of the Google App!’

‘Thank me!’

*releases glitter from phone.’


‘Is this why my memory is always empty? Is my phone full of actual stuff? Glitter, and confetti and -‘

‘Releasing confetti.’

‘Oh, god, my eyes! I’m behind the wheel, Google! You’re going to make crash!’

‘Download Crash (2004) from iTunes for £6.99?’

‘Wha – what? No! Definitely not.’

‘Downloading Crash (2004) from iTunes for £6.99?’

‘No! Do you know the word “no”? Do you know the definition of “no”?

‘Downloading High Definition copy of Crash (2004) from iTunes for £8.99.’


And then we agreed that that was quite enough of that. Or maybe Charlie just went on holiday to Spain. Either way, it had gotten way out of hand and needed to end. If you read this far, then I apologise for having utterly, utterly wasted your time.

Oh, and also, no offence, Google.

Join the conversation! 1 Comment

  1. I punched in god damn google, just to see what would come up, after an hour of getting pissed off when google wouldn’t let me into the new Gmail account I just opened, but would repeatedly go to the other account associated with this device, no matter that I repeatedly entered a different account name. Why is my phone listening to hear the word google, and then asking for me to repeat my question, I have not asked google to listen, first happened when commercial on radio in car sad ” hey google”,and then my phone is asking what my question is. Well, if they are listening they hear God damn Google, at least a few times a day, because of google maps.


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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for


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