*ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring*


Operator: Gooooood morning, suicide hotline.

Dave: Uh… hi. My name’s… Dave.

Operator: Well, how do you doodle-e do, Dave?

Dave: … … …

Operator: *audibly smiling*

Dave: Uh, well… not great, obviously.

Operator: Well, I’m sure I can help you with that, chum.

Dave: Look, maybe this wasn’t… I shouldn’t have called, I’m sorry.

Operator: Ahh, nonsense, mate. Just tell me what’s up. We’ll get you through this in a jiffy.

Dave: Uh, well… okay, uh. Well, my girlfriend just left me, and I got angry at work and… well, I lost my job, and nothing’s felt real for so long now, and everything just…

Operator: Uh-huh, yeah…

Dave: … just seems to be, I don’t know, falling apart. I feel like it won’t get better. I have no money coming in, and I’m already late on rent. I’ll be homeless in a matter of days. I just feel like… like making it all go away.

Operator: … … …

Dave: Like… killing myself.

Operator: Well, yeah. that’d definitely help.

Dave: Uh, wait, what?

Operator: Mmm hmm.

Dave: I mean, yeah. I have a tonne of extra strength aspirin for my chronic back problem, so I could so easily just neck the whole bottle.

Operator: Oh, no… no… come on. Aspirin is an anti-coagulant. That’s not how you wanna do it. Gruesome.

Dave: Oh. Well, I guess I could slit my wrists or –

Operator: Wrist.

Dave: Huh?

Operator: Wrist, not wrists. Can you imagine trying to slit your left wrist when you’ve already severed the tendons in the right one?

Dave: Oh yeah, Sure, right.

Operator: Nah, you just do the first one properly, and you won’t need a second.

Dave: Properly?

Operator: Yeah, along the vein, not across the wrist. You’ll bleed out so fast and you’ll be in shock, so pain isn’t an issue.

Dave: Oh, well… that sounds… uh, wait. Aren’t you supposed to be talking me out of this?

Operator: Out of what?

Dave: You know… ending it?

Operator: The call? I’m not paid by the minute, mate.

Dave: No, I mean… killing myself. Aren’t you supposed to be talking me out of killing myself?

Operator: Well, I wouldn’t be very good at my job if I did that, now would I?

Dave: I don’t… I don’t understand.

Operator: Well, don’t worry. That won’t be an issue once you’re dead. Come on, get something sharp; I’ll talk you through it. Might need to put the phone on speaker though, of course!

Dave: … … …

Operator: *chuckle*

Dave: I don’t understand this, you aren’t meant to be encouraging me. You’re meant to be stopping me. Telling me that life is worth living and –

Operator: … doesn’t sound like it is on your end…

Dave: – convincing me to… well, I know that. You’re supposed to lie to me to make me feel better!

Operator: Oh… ooooh.

Dave: What?

Operator: I see what’s going on.

Dave: Wh- what?

Operator: Sir, can you read?

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, I can read.

Operator: Did you get one of our leaflets.

Dave: Yeah.

Operator: And did you read it through.

Dave: No… I just saw the ‘suicide hotline’ bit and thought…

Operator: Yeah, this again.

Dave: … … …

Operator: Sir, this is a pro suicide hotline. If you want someone to talk you out of it, you need to call an anti suicide hotline.

Dave: Pro suicide? How – how is that a thing?

Operator: I guess hospitals got sick of people doing it wrong; I don’t know, I’m not the director of the board of health, am I? I just work here.

Dave: But I –

Operator: Sir, open up the leaflet again, please.

Dave: Oh… kay.

Operator: Is there a picture of a guy in a noose giving you a ‘thumbs up’?

Dave: … … …

Operator: And what kind of message do you think that sends out?

Dave: … pro sui-

Operator: Pro suicide, yeah. Now, are you gonna kill yourself or are you wasting my time, because your life sounds pathetic.

Dave: I… no, you can’t tell me… it’s not that bad. I don’t have to do what you want.

Operator: It’s not what I want, mate. It doesn’t bother me if you’re too much of a coward to take the coward’s way out.

Dave: I… you know what, maybe I am! Maybe I won’t do it. Maybe I’m gonna go and look for a new job right now. Maybe I’ll call up my mum and try to patch things up with her; and maybe she’ll let me stay with her until I get back on my feet. I don’t have to kill myself just because you want me to.

Operator: Yeah, that all sounds, I mean, pretty unlikely, mate.

Dave: Wha – uh, no, I – I’m not giving up. I’m going to prove you wrong, you… dick.

Operator: Well, there’s no need for profanity, sir; I’m simply suggesting that you reconsider your –

Dave: No, no. no; I’m gonna be something, just you watch. I’m not gonna fucking kill myself, and that’s final… and if you don’t like it…

Operator: … … …

Dave: … then you can just… fuck off.


Operator: You’re welcome, buddy. You’re welcome. Hey, did you guys all hear that? That’s how it’s done. Ahh, I am so fucking good at my job.

Join the conversation! 3 Comments

  1. Yeah, I would work for that call center.

  2. Not really how it works, is it…


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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for


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