Because I can’t pull off ‘legitimately cool’, but I can totally pull off ‘quirky, pretentious idiot who probably finds it therapeutic to count things’. http://instagram.com/p/sm7ImStlET/
His presence out of my window is making me depressed. http://instagram.com/p/rMShA5tlPt/?modal=true
So my friend Charlie and I were discussing those Google App commercials where Google basically pretends that no one has even heard of Siri over the last couple of years, and makes out that asking your phone questions is still super amazing. The annoying thing, however, is that in the commercials, Google doesn’t seem to be directly answering the questions, which seems weird when you assume that google cherry picked these question/answer interactions for how well they sell the product. Like, the correct, direct answer to ‘Will I need an umbrella today?’ is not ‘Here’s today’s weather forecast.’, you dumb robot.
Anyway, this is the increasingly moronic series of text messages that Charlie and I sent to each other. I’ll do mine in bold, and Charlie’s in italic. Enjoy.
Here’s an unusual encounter that befell me yesterday. I was at work, quite quiet, very hot, when in walked a fully uniformed policeman. They occasionally make the rounds in my area, popping in just to say hello and reinforce their presence. This chap, however, was a little more memorable than many of his predecessors.
Share this with other humans
I hate people constantly over-describing themselves as ‘sarcastic’, as if it’s one of their main character traits. ‘Hi, I’m Felix. I’m 6’2″, dark-haired, sarcastic.’ You can’t just be sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic when you call yourself sarcastic, because you can’t identify your entire being as ‘sarcastic’ if what you mean is ‘I often, but […]
*phone rings*
Bad guy: Are we finally ready to negotiate?
Good guy: Look, god, I’ll bring you the damn money, just please don’t hurt my family, please.
Bad guy: Very well. You have 8 hours.
Good guy: I, uh… 8 hours? Dude, it’s like a 10 hour drive just to get to you.
Bad guy: Oh, yeah. Uh, that could be a problem, huh.
Share this with other humans
The story of how a stranger came in to my shop and kind of asked me to cheat on my girlfriend.
Marcus: Who’d have thought there was a bus operating in Knowl Hill! I’m genuinely taking the bus to Maidenhead right now! Me: My phone accidentally deleted all my numbers, but I’ll assume that this is Marcus, the only person uninteresting enough to text me things about bus routes. Does this mean that your morning commute […]
The following is a genuine recounting of a part of the Norse Mythology. There exists a poem called Lokasenna in which Loki (you know, the super sexy Tom Hiddleston from the Marvel franchise one) is hanging out and having a few drinks with some of the Æsir (gods), but is kicked out after inexplicably murdering a waiter that they were all being really nice to. After a little time away, presumably stewing in anger, Loki returned to throw down the gauntlet and show the gods some serious smack talk. All I can say is god damn, this would have livened up The Avengers movie.
What follows is a genuine account of the resulting quarrel.
Share this with other humans
Because apparently this shop keeper thought that a window display depicting a gallows gallery of hanging teddy bears would be an appropriate way to advertise her stock. P.S. I know. The title. I’m sorry. If you can think of a better teddy bear / genocide pun or portmanteau, please leave a comment!
--- Grumpy Comments --- 