Felix: Okay, starting in 1939, take me through the history of The Second World War.

Ian: ’39 to ’45?

Felix: Uh, yeah. Well done.

Ian: Okay, right. Once upon a time…

Felix: Great start.

Ian: Once upon a time, there was this guy called Adolf Hitler. Got his ass whooped by some English people. Prior to that he was just a young guy growing up thinking ‘How can I conquer the world‘. Who put that seed into his head? Who knows. Uncle? Godfather? Whatever. Anyway, he got his posse of German friends together.

Felix: Haha, right. This is already utterly bewildering, but okay. Then what?

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Ian: I have to study for this new qualification…

Felix: What’s the paper on?

Ian: Communication.

Felix: Communication? You? You can barely string a sentence together!
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FELIX: We should have a chat again sometime, Ian. About, uhh… I don’t know, anything. The Egyptian revolution.


IAN: Fuck’s sake. Not all that. Sphinx an’ Pyramids an’ shit. What came first, the sand or the stone?


FELIX: Yup, that’ll do. That’s the Egyptian revolution covered.


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Felix: Okay… Here’s one. If you could travel through time and space, to be anywhere in the world, at any point in history, where and when would you go?
Ian: Good question.
Felix: And you will of course have to elaborate on your answer.
Ian: Okay. The start of the universe.
Felix: Uhh… Why?
Ian: See the big ka-boom-boom.
Felix: How… But if you go back to before there was a universe; where would you be existing?
Ian: Well, I’d just pop over to see it, and then pop back.
Felix: But you’d die…
Ian: Not if I was in the Tardis from Doctor Who.
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Felix: What’s your favourite film?
Ian: Uhh… I’ve got two.
Felix: Well, what are they?
Ian: One’s Top Gun and one’s Armageddon.
Felix: … Those are both… Awful. Why? Armageddon?
Ian: Yeah, it’s kinda funny.
Felix: Funny? What’s funny about Armageddon; there’s not a single joke in that film.
Ian: It’s humour…
Felix: Okay… So, so why Top Gun? That’s pretty homoerotic.
Ian: It’s just… It’s a movie… It’s a movie I watched with my babysitter when I was fifteen and she was twenty… … three.
Felix: How does that impact on the film?
Ian: ‘Cause I remember I went to see it, I was into aeroplanes at the time. So I watched the movie Top Gun.
Felix: Well, why does it matter about the babysitter?
Ian: ‘Cause she were to… Mah… The babysitter were babysitting me when I wanted to watch the movie.
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FELIX: Do you believe in life on other planets?

IAN: Probably… If I saw a ship, then yes. Little green men on other planets, yes. Esstravesstra.

FELIX: What? I can’t write this down if it doesn’t make any sense.

IAN: Esstralestious…

FELIX: Are you trying to say ‘extraterrestrial’?

IAN: Yes.

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After seeing a news story regarding immigration…

IAN: We spend so much on immigration… Can’t they just go back where they came from?

FELIX: Well, maybe they come from a country that is impoverished or war-torn or without basic human rights…

IAN: That’s their fault…

FELIX: No, it’s not. It’s just the luck of where they happen to be born. An English politician once said something about how being born in England is like winning first prize in the lottery of life.

IAN: Who said that?

FELIX: He was a politician or a businessman or something.

IAN: Right… I know he’s dead but…

FELIX: You don’t know he’s dead…

IAN: Well, he needs escavatin’ and shoved back in a hole with a cap in his head.

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FELIX: Okay, tell me something that you don’t understand about the universe.

IAN: … Uranus.

FELIX: No, really…

IAN: Summat’ ah don’t understand? Women… Oh, an’ do fish piss in the sea and bears shit in the woods. Now that is a question.

FELIX: No… It isn’t. Come on, out of everything in reality, what do you really not understand. Gravity? Evolution? The possibilities of time travel?

IAN: Right… What came first, right… Organism… Egg… Chicken…?

FELIX: Well, a chicken is an organism. And eggs came before chickens, remember it’s not just chickens that lay eggs.

IAN: Everything ‘atches from somethin’.

FELIX: Well, we don’t technically ‘hatch’.

IAN: Nah, we come out ah mummy’s twat.

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