After seeing a news story regarding immigration…

IAN: We spend so much on immigration… Can’t they just go back where they came from?

FELIX: Well, maybe they come from a country that is impoverished or war-torn or without basic human rights…

IAN: That’s their fault…

FELIX: No, it’s not. It’s just the luck of where they happen to be born. An English politician once said something about how being born in England is like winning first prize in the lottery of life.

IAN: Who said that?

FELIX: He was a politician or a businessman or something.

IAN: Right… I know he’s dead but…

FELIX: You don’t know he’s dead…

IAN: Well, he needs escavatin’ and shoved back in a hole with a cap in his head.

FELIX: Escavating…? Anyway, how do you even know he’s dead?

IAN: Well if ‘e was born in like, King George the sixteenth hundreds or something…

FELIX: Why do you think he’s from then?

IAN: When did you say ‘e was from?

FELIX: I didn’t… But I think it’s sort of the British Empire era…

IAN: Yeah, well… We took what’s ours and sod ev’ryone else…

FELIX: What’s ours? We conquered two thirds of the world!

IAN: And ‘en gave it back.

FELIX: Yeah, or you know… Lost it in a war or a revolution…

IAN: Nah…

FELIX: Nah? So that’s what happened is it. It’s a fact. You’re just re-writing history.

IAN: All I’m saying is, right… Lots of countries should be thankful to us.

FELIX: Name one…

IAN: Iran, Iraq.

FELIX: I like how you say “Iran, Iraq” like they’re pretty much the same thing… Besides, Iran? I can’t think of anything we’ve ever really done for them. And I’m pretty sure Iraq still fucking hates us right about now.

IAN: That’s just dictatorships.

FELIX: Iran isn’t… They have a president. Ahmadinejad or something…

IAN: India? Gave us curries. Cups of tea.

FELIX: They gave us curries? Then why would they be thankful to us? Besides, I don’t think they literally gave them to us. It was probably more to do with us killing them and stealing spices.

IAN: Australia?

FELIX: We used it as a floating prison and flooded it with banished convicts that we didnt want to deal with. You aren’t doing well here… Sum up why any country should be thankful to England or the UK.

IAN: Sweden: Blonde birds. Big tits.

FELIX: Why would they be thankful to us for that?

IAN: Hey… I’m just thinking outside the box.


To probe deeper into the wondrous mind of Ian Jackson, click here for the full archive.

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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


The Unusual World of Mr. Ian Jackson