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Felix: What’s your favourite film?
Ian: Uhh… I’ve got two.
Felix: Well, what are they?
Ian: One’s Top Gun and one’s Armageddon.
Felix: … Those are both… Awful. Why? Armageddon?
Ian: Yeah, it’s kinda funny.
Felix: Funny? What’s funny about Armageddon; there’s not a single joke in that film.
Ian: It’s humour…
Felix: Okay… So, so why Top Gun? That’s pretty homoerotic.
Ian: It’s just… It’s a movie… It’s a movie I watched with my babysitter when I was fifteen and she was twenty… … three.
Felix: How does that impact on the film?
Ian: ‘Cause I remember I went to see it, I was into aeroplanes at the time. So I watched the movie Top Gun.
Felix: Well, why does it matter about the babysitter?
Ian: ‘Cause she were to… Mah… The babysitter were babysitting me when I wanted to watch the movie.
Felix: How’s that… How’s that relevant on your enjoyment of the film?
Ian: Well considering she was like, tall and thinking I was like, diddy-short-ass away, it’ll be fine.
Felix: So you like the film because you were short and you wacthed it with a tall person…
Ian: It’s just a very, very good movie… It’s just a very, very good movie.
Felix: Well, yeah okay. I’ve never seen it, but I’ll accept that, it’s just that…
Ian: If you haven’t seen it, watch it. But the bit in the middle where they get it on is a bit crap.
Felix: Why?
Ian: ‘Cause it’s shit.
Felix: Were you annoyed by a lack of boobies?
Ian: Uhh… Yeah… Birds with no tits, scary.
Felix: What…? So… What? I’m struggling with that one.
Ian: You are seriously struggling…
Felix: So, there’s a sex scene that you didn’t like, where a girl gets topless but she doesn’t have breasts. Are you thinking of Tom Cruise? Who are think…
Ian: No… It starred Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis…
Felix: … Val Kilmer was in that, wasn’t he? I like Val Kilmer.
Ian: Yeah, he was ‘Ice Man’.
Felix: Alright… Are we taking about the X-Men now?
Ian: My god, Felix. You need to watch some more 80s movies.
Felix: I… I don’t. I’ll stick to… Yeah… I’ll give a think about Top Gun… Wait, so what was wrong with the sex scene?
Ian: Something like… You have got a good movie… You got good music… Aeroplanes flying about… Really good movie… And then…
Felix: Well, what happened… I don’t… Why are you so hung up about the sex scene? I assume it wasn’t that long.
Ian: No, ’cause both of them were like, piled up with drugs, both really doing it but didn’t even fancy each other… Had to get it on.
Felix: What, the actors or the characters?
Ian: Both?
Felix: … I don’t see how this matters in the bearing of the film! “Yeah, it was a good film, but there was a sex scene where Tom Cruise was on drugs.” So? Presumably it’s a relatively short part of the film. So, how long was this scene that was just ruining the enjoyment of the other two hours?
Ian: ‘Bout thirty seconds.
Felix: So you’re getting hung up about a two hour film, because of thirty seconds of awkward sex?
Ian: Enough to ruin any film…
Felix: Well… I guess…? The sex scene in the third Matrix film was pretty weird. We only saw Keanu Reeves’ bum.
Ian: Aren’t they supposed to be making a final one to tie up all the loose ends, or is that the loose ends tied up?
Felix: They already did that, like… Six years ago.
Ian: Oh, did they…
Felix: It was a trilogy. I like that you’re so out of it that you haven’t seen it so you assume that it doesn’t exist. It’s like, “I was watching that trilogy, and it was really good, but they only made two, and then nothing happened.”
Ian: Have you been a space cadet in Middlesborough or something…
Felix: I… I’m confused by everything that’s happening right now.
Ian: Is this, is this head mosh overload?
Felix: Head wash?
Ian: Nah, head mosh overload.
Felix: Head mosh?
Ian: Yeah.
Felix: What does that mean?
Ian: It’s just your brain’s soaking up but you can’t comprehend what it’s going through.
Felix: I can’t compre… I can’t comprehend what my brain is going through? How exactly does that work? Surely, I am my brain?
Ian: No, the brain controls you.
Felix: The brain…? My brain doesn’t control me, I am my brain. Is your brain… Someone else? I imagine you and him don’t get on very well, which is why you never associate…
Ian: This hurts…
Felix: What?
Ian: This hurts…
Felix: This hurts?
Ian: Yeah, my head.
Felix: Being anywhere near you makes me physically stupider…
Ian: Right, that…
Felix: … What?
Ian: If that makes me stupider, how does that, it make you feel working round some of the other people here.
Felix: Well… Let’s not bring outside people into it… I’d say there was a fair average IQ. It has it’s ups and downs in this place… Not to say that I’m an up, but I’m certainly not quite on par with some of the downs…
Ian: …
Felix: I think we’ll end it there.

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To probe deeper into the wondrous mind of Ian Jackson, click here for the full archive.

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Join the conversation! 3 Comments

  1. My head is hurting aswell, bro!

    Reply
  2. Excellent post! Cruise would be proud…

    Reply
  3. Lol, yeah Felix. Watch some more 80’s films.

    Reply

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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.

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A few of my better posts, The Unusual World of Mr. Ian Jackson

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