FELIX: Do you believe in life on other planets?

IAN: Probably… If I saw a ship, then yes. Little green men on other planets, yes. Esstravesstra.

FELIX: What? I can’t write this down if it doesn’t make any sense.

IAN: Esstralestious…

FELIX: Are you trying to say ‘extraterrestrial’?

IAN: Yes.

FELIX: Say it… Say ‘extraterrestrial’.

IAN: Esstragerrestra… Little green men on Mars. But they wouldn’t be green. They’d be red. Mars is the red planet.

FELIX: It’s not actually red, it’s more of a beige colour, but early pictures of space were only capable of being in black and white, so assumed colours were added.

IAN: Right… So… Is the Hubble Telescope in HD?

FELIX: What…?

IAN: Like, high def… The telescope…

FELIX: Yeah, I get what you mean, but…

IAN: It better be. Heavy bloody thing.

FELIX: Heavy?

IAN: If Armageddon happens, we’re fucked…

FELIX: Armageddon?

IAN: Yeah, like the movie. It only saw the meteor when it was like… *holds up arms* … This far away, and it was too late to nuke it.

FELIX: So, you’re saying that our cosmological threat detection technology isn’t advanced enough?

IAN: Yeah, maybe… ‘Nother question… What came first: aliens or space?

FELIX: … What…

IAN: What came first: the aliens, or space?

FELIX: What? What are these words, what are you saying?

IAN: Daft question?

FELIX: Think about it…

IAN: I never think about anything?

FELIX: So what the hell do you mean?

IAN: I don’t know.

FELIX: Nothing can exist without a place for it to exist in…

IAN: Well… Someone must have set the ball rolling. What about… I mean… I can’t be assed to… I’m just going to say this in my own terminology…

FELIX: Okay…

IAN: The big bang.

FELIX: Yeah…?

IAN: What was the big bang?

FELIX: …

IAN: I mean, someone must have set the ball rolling.

FELIX: Well, admittedly there are a number of unexplained cosmological events. Why, what do you think happened?

IAN: Something ma-hoo-sive.

FELIX: And you think maybe an alien life form cause this ‘ma-hoo-sive’ astrological happening?

IAN: Theoretical terms… Yes.

FELIX: Do you know what ‘theoretical’ means?

IAN: Theorologically? No. But I can google it.

FELIX: But, you just said it.

IAN: Usin’ big words. Tryin’ to sound clever. If you ask me to spell it, you can bog off.

FELIX: So why do you think these aliens ‘theorologically’ started the big bang? Were they just bored, or…?

IAN: Something to do… Something to look at… See how life materialises…

FELIX: And how did they start this big bang?

IAN: Just imagine… How am I gonna word this… Right… Let’s go…

FELIX: …

IAN: Water.

FELIX: …

IAN: The life and breadth…

FELIX: Breadth?

IAN: The life and breath of everything. Water. Particle. Spin around really fast. Everything combines. Congeals. Goes into jelly. Makes an alien. Alien goes “Woohoo! Let’s mix some chemicals together. Blow it up. Got a world. Bish bash bosh. Big Bang Theory.”

FELIX: So, where does this alien exist if this is before the inception of space? And where did these chemicals come from?

IAN: … A little lonely atom…

FELIX: If it’s just a single, and apparently ‘lonely’, atom… How did it gain the sentience required to orchestrate this on a whim?

IAN: It can self-replicate… Self-produce… It conceived itself and that.

FELIX: And where is that atom now?

IAN: It’s part of every one of us; that little dude… It’s in everything.

FELIX: Are you saying that that atom is god? A ‘god particle’, like the Higgs-Boson?

IAN: Umm… *looks horrified at the premise of what a Higgs-Boson is* … Yeah. You get producer, then a maker, then it goes down. That thing is the producer, then the maker and then, yeah…

FELIX: So, you’re saying that it’s god?

IAN: No, the one before god.

FELIX: So you’re saying that you believe in god?

IAN: No.

FELIX: But… That contradicts everything that you just… How can you believe in a thing that came before god, but not believe in god?

IAN: Hypothesis… Or a hypothethise, whatever you want to call it.

FELIX: So, do you think that this ‘hypothethise’ might be in any way correct? That it could be heralded as the true origin of all that is and ever will be, and that you will go down in history as the greatest genius that mankind has ever produced?

IAN: Yes… Yeah… Just put yes.

FELIX: So, do you actually believe in aliens? Even after all of this, you haven’t actually answered the original question. Do you think there is alien life on other planets?

IAN: Yes… Humans…

FELIX: … Umm… Okay… So any other final thoughts?

IAN: No… Do you want to summarise a conclusion of the statement of fact-ish? Is that enough of an ending?

FELIX: …

IAN: My head hurts.

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