FELIX: We should have a chat again sometime, Ian. About, uhh… I don’t know, anything. The Egyptian revolution.


IAN: Fuck’s sake. Not all that. Sphinx an’ Pyramids an’ shit. What came first, the sand or the stone?


FELIX: Yup, that’ll do. That’s the Egyptian revolution covered.


IAN: And what came first; the water or the molecule?


FELIX: What the hell are you talking about? Water is a molecule.


IAN: Well, you need building bricks… Blocks…


FELIX: Do you maybe mean atoms?


IAN: Maybe… I never make no sense.


FELIX: You never make no sense? No, you always make no sense.


IAN: S’just water.


FELIX: What’s your beef with water?


IAN: Where do I start?


FELIX: The top?


IAN: Which is?


FELIX: Well… Whatever your problem with water is…


IAN: I need a pint for this…


FELIX: I’ll get back to you.


IAN: Yeah… Get back to me. I need to know what I’m talking about.


FELIX: I somehow doubt I can wait quite that long.


IAN: Theres a first for everything…




FELIX: Okay, you’ve had a think. Now what are your final thoughts on water; the most abundant resource on the planet; life giver to every plant and animal alive.


IAN: *burp* Tastes damn good.


FELIX: Does it? It doesn’t really have a taste. Well, it has a taste, but it doesn’t really have a flavour…


IAN: What’s difference?


FELIX: Well, taste is a sensation… Flavour is sort of, what it’s reminiscent of, I guess.


IAN: I could make a crude comment, but I can’t be bothered.


FELIX: Go on…


IAN: Pussy.


FELIX: Pussy. How does… Water… What’s it got to do with pussy!?


IAN: Amber nectar.


FELIX: That’s the Foster’s slogan. What does beer, pussy and water have in common!?


IAN: … They all breed…


FELIX: … What?


IAN: They all breed.


FELIX: Breed?


IAN: Expand.


FELIX: I… What!?


IAN: Water, yeast, pussy. They all expand.


FELIX: What?


IAN: Have you tried eating yeast? Makes your belly go big.


FELIX. No, Ian. I’ve never tried eating yeast…. And that says that your stomach expands, not the yeast itself. Anyway, so what about water and pussy?


IAN: You swell it.


FELIX: How do you swell water?


IAN: Plug it.


FELIX: How would that make it swell?


IAN: Pressure?


FELIX: Pressure.


IAN: Yeah. Swells it.


FELIX: Okay… How would pressure ‘swell’ water?


IAN: You’re the physicist. You figure it out.


FELIX: Right, so despite apparently being a physicist working full time at a bar to fund my research, I still have no idea why pressure would swell water.


IAN: You’re the genius, I’m the thicko.


FELIX: Yeah… But…


IAN: Yehbuh, yeah but, yehbah buh bah, yeah.


FELIX: God, I give up.


IAN: Cheers, Felix. So do I. My brain hurts.


FELIX: Your brain hurts? I’m not sure you have a brain to hurt…


IAN: I need a brain to breath. I need a brain to speak. I need a brain to listen.


FELIX : It’s cute that you think your brain comes into play when you speak, when obviously it doesn’t.


IAN: Fuck off…


FELIX: I’ll be writing a hell of a blog when I get home.


IAN: I bet you would.


FELIX: Do you mean, “I bet you will”?


IAN: …


FELIX: What an ending.



To probe deeper into the wondrous mind of Ian Jackson, click here for the full archive.

Join the conversation! 8 Comments

  1. Who is this messianic figure?

  2. A great post, your friend must be great to work with.

  3. Sheesh – I’m a blogosphere noob who’s walked into your virtual bar and overheard this conversation… see that bloke in the corner trying not to laugh ? That’s me that is…

  4. Did Ian Jackson used to live in South China?


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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


The Unusual World of Mr. Ian Jackson


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