Being the pedantic arse that I am, I’m going to ask a few (presumably unanswerable) questions about the Islamic heaven, historically referred to as ‘Jannah‘. We all know a few of the key elements of this paradise, 72 virgins, giant palaces for everyone, rivers of milk and honey, and so on, and as I read into the writings on the subject, there were a few things I found somewhat unusual. So, here we go…

1. All admitted are given a palace. That’s cool and all, but the word ‘palace’ makes me assume that the property is quite big, so it would probably take a while to pop next door. With that in mind, what if you wanted to live with your wife or kids or something, provided they got in. Would your spouse still have her own palace being left unoccupied next door while you both stay in your palace, or can you rent it out to maximise the efficiency of the allotted residential areas of Jannah.

2. It says that you get to “rejoice with friends and family“, but what if they didn’t get in? Maybe as a kid, your wife misbehaved and stole a piece of bread or something. It wouldn’t really be paradise without her, so would there be a substitute put in place to accompany you while the real one burns in hell?

3. “72 houri” (‘companions pure’, e.g. virgins) sounds cool; but to be honest, I think I’d be happier with just 2 or 3 more experienced girls who actually knew what they were doing. Deflowering a virgin is quite an awkward and delicate procedure, and I wouldn’t want my every sexual experience to be something as concerning and careful as that! Do you still get the 72 virgins if you’re married? Would you just have to get them to hang around and do other things so as not to cheat on your wife? Do they not have their own palaces? Once you’ve slept with one of the virgins, do you have 71 left, or is she ‘re-virginised‘ as soon as you’ve finished? Also, once she’s had sex with you, presumably out of wedlock, doesn’t she then qualify as a sinner who must be cast out of paradise?

4. It also states that your palace will come with 80’000 servants. Now, I honestly don’t think I could think of enough activities to permanently occupy more than maybe, 4 servants at any one time, so that leaves 79’996 strangers just standing around your palace. How the hell are you supposed to relax when you’re just having to navigate around a palace that crowded with mindless slaves, constantly begging for your reassurance that there’s nothing they can currently do for you.

5. Everyone is the same age, which is 33, apparently. I assume that age was chosen because that’s the age at which Jesus was said to have died. If I could pick an age for all eternity however, I think I’d go a bit younger. At 33, your good looks are probably starting to fade a little bit. You even might have one or two health problems at that age, and you won’t have the energy and enthusiasm as if you were say, 10 years younger. Also, what if you die when you’re 20? Are you aged before you arrive? That might be an unpleasant experience. Or what if you die when you’re just a small child. That’d be downright terrifying.

6. It is said that everyday you partake of wonderful banquets served by immortal youths (presumably 33 year old youths, and do they have their own palaces?), and that the food is so sweet and delicious that “you’ll live forever without feeling hunger“. If that’s true, then doesn’t that nullify the purpose of the food in the first place? Why keep serving massive, elegant banquets to people who will never, ever be hungry?

7. The rivers are made of wine, milk, and honey. That doesn’t sound very hygienic. Are people expected to drink from these free-flowing liquids? What if people pee in them or something? They must play havoc on the nearby plant life. A river of honey? That sounds like quite a drowning risk; all thick and sticky and what not. I assume swimming is strictly prohibited. Come to think of it, you are incapable of getting intoxicated in Jennah as well, so what’s the point in a river of wine?

8. Finally, heaven is supposedly an everlasting experience. It goes from when you die, until… Well, forever. So why does it say that “1 year is equal to 1000 years”? Surely any passage or measure of time is totally irrelevant on a scale of eternity?

I think that’s it for now. As a little disclaimer, I will point out that this piece has been written for the sake of humour, and as such, please don’t try and answer any of these question for me. Firstly, because I’m aware that these points mark only the surface assumptions on the topic, and as such even my own research has already uncovered errors in my queries; and secondly, because honestly… I couldn’t care less. It’s just for a little laugh, albeit a little laugh at the expense of your wacky, wacky beliefs.