This is genuinely what is going through my head right now…
Me: Hey, 4am. How’s it going?
4am: Oh, not bad. You know how it is.
Me: Yeah… Yeah…. Hey, listen; I honestly don’t know how to say this, so I guess I’ll just have to… say it.
4am: Honey? What is it?
Me: I… It’s just… There’s someone else. I don’t want to see them, but I just can’t help myself.
4am: I – I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?
Me: No, 4am. Don’t say that. Don’t you ever say that. This has nothing to do with you; you’re great. I just… I’m so sorry. I hate this, but I don’t have a choice.
4am: At least tell me who it is…?
5am: Hey, sweet cheeks. You ready? Who’s this clown?
4am: … … Felix? I don’t understa-
5am: Beat it, loser.
Me: I’m sorry, 4am. Maybe… Maybe you should just go.
5am: Heh. That’s right. His ass is mine now.
6am: You just wait, pretty little peach. You just wait.
7am: *cracks knuckles and spits on the floor*
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--- Grumpy Comments --- 
that’s genuinely original and very funny mate. …which in a world that has given us joe pasquale is nothing short of miraculous.
I was going to comment earlier, but I slept in.