The white businessman goes in for a black handshake; the black businessman goes in for a normal handshake. The world holds its breath. Everyone stands in silence, waiting to see what’ll happen. … … THEY LAUGH AND FIST BUMP. RACISM IS OVER. EVERYONE CHEERS AND RUNS INTO THE STREETS. NELSON MANDELA SILENTLY WIPES A TEAR […]
She’s the kind of person who’ll put on a Facebook video about some people telling the ‘heartfelt’ story of how they rehabilitated a crippled dog, but she doesn’t have the heart not to laugh the whole way through. Here’s a recap of the last two minutes. ‘If that came near me, I’d tread on it.’ […]
So there’s this guy called Hamlet, and he’s pretty hot. His uncle is trying to bang his mum, or whatever. His dad got killed and he’s all super upset about it and does loads of sexy brooding and stuff and talking to himself, which is totally crazy, but also kinda hot. He has some cute […]
Felix: Okay, starting in 1939, take me through the history of The Second World War.
Ian: ’39 to ’45?
Felix: Uh, yeah. Well done.
Ian: Okay, right. Once upon a time…
Felix: Great start.
Ian: Once upon a time, there was this guy called Adolf Hitler. Got his ass whooped by some English people. Prior to that he was just a young guy growing up thinking ‘How can I conquer the world‘. Who put that seed into his head? Who knows. Uncle? Godfather? Whatever. Anyway, he got his posse of German friends together.
Felix: Haha, right. This is already utterly bewildering, but okay. Then what?
… because, let’s face it, it’s pretty fucking awesome.
Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transportation. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, I’d even grudgingly allow you to set foot on a bus, for god’s sake, but whatever you do, just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on a train. So fraught with danger and unpleasant tension are they, that if one is foolish, or desperate, enough to utilise them, they must take the most precise and delicate of precautions to remain anonymous, lest you breathe at someone the wrong way and have your peaceful carriage become the setting for a reenactment of the shoot out scene in Leonardo DiCaprio’s mansion from the movie Django Unchained.
Well, the movie has been out for a while now, making the rounds in front of the loathing and loving alike, but one thing that’s for sure: it’s certainly in breach of social etiquette to still own a copy of the book. I don’t care if you’ve had it since you were twelve, the time has come. Worry not, however, because herein lies a list of ways to dispose of your now painfully uncool hard copy.