Zombie Dentist

You seriously want to put your finger in one of those mouths? Good luck, Einstein.

Pigeon Loan Shark

Oh they’ll take your money, because they like shredding up paper for their nests, but good luck explaining compound interest or the value of currency to a bird, you lunatic. You want it back? You’re going to need an electronic tag and a friend who can climb trees.

Werewolf Tailor

What’s the point, man? That shirt will last three weeks, tops. Think about it.

Chimpanzee Portrait Artist

Okay, let’s say you somehow train the chimp to sit still long enough for you to paint a portrait of him. He’s not going to care. Best case scenario? He ‘improves’ your work with a handful of hurled faeces. Waste of time.

Lyposuction Specialist for Blue Whales

Seriously? What are you even doing? It’s the largest animal that’s ever existed. What kind of a result could you possibly hope to achieve?

Mail Order Bride for Kangaroos

This won’t work. Kangaroos aren’t interested in marrying you. You’re a human. Why would a kangeroo be interested in marrying you?

Dinosaur Veterinarian

All of your patients are already long dead. Good work, ‘doctor’.

Vampire Dietician

You show up at Dracula’s castle and start whining about carbs and dairy, you’re in for a neck full of fang, my friend. They only eat one thing, and they aren’t interested in soya alternative or gluten free human blood, are they. Also, you ever seen a fat vampire?

Shoemaker for Spiders

News flash, idiot. Spiders don’t wear shoes.

Ant Prime Minister

Firstly, ants don’t elect political leaders, they know exactly what their functions are, and they don’t need pensions or unions or university funding to do it; and secondly, if they did elect a prime minister, why would they elect you, a stupid human?

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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


A few of my better posts, Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for


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