Zombie Dentist

You seriously want to put your finger in one of those mouths? Good luck, Einstein.

Pigeon Loan Shark

Oh they’ll take your money, because they like shredding up paper for their nests, but good luck explaining compound interest or the value of currency to a bird, you lunatic. You want it back? You’re going to need an electronic tag and a friend who can climb trees.

Werewolf Tailor

What’s the point, man? That shirt will last three weeks, tops. Think about it.

Chimpanzee Portrait Artist

Okay, let’s say you somehow train the chimp to sit still long enough for you to paint a portrait of him. He’s not going to care. Best case scenario? He ‘improves’ your work with a handful of hurled faeces. Waste of time.

Lyposuction Specialist for Blue Whales

Seriously? What are you even doing? It’s the largest animal that’s ever existed. What kind of a result could you possibly hope to achieve?

Mail Order Bride for Kangaroos

This won’t work. Kangaroos aren’t interested in marrying you. You’re a human. Why would a kangeroo be interested in marrying you?

Dinosaur Veterinarian

All of your patients are already long dead. Good work, ‘doctor’.

Vampire Dietician

You show up at Dracula’s castle and start whining about carbs and dairy, you’re in for a neck full of fang, my friend. They only eat one thing, and they aren’t interested in soya alternative or gluten free human blood, are they. Also, you ever seen a fat vampire?

Shoemaker for Spiders

News flash, idiot. Spiders don’t wear shoes.

Ant Prime Minister

Firstly, ants don’t elect political leaders, they know exactly what their functions are, and they don’t need pensions or unions or university funding to do it; and secondly, if they did elect a prime minister, why would they elect you, a stupid human?

Advertisements

Join the conversation! 1 Comment

Leave me your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.

Category

A few of my better posts, Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,