It’s something I’ve thought about a lot before. Do you know that feeling when you tell a joke that you think is really clever, only to be met by the cold silence of people who didn’t understand it?

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[Liam Neeson’s character (Brian) is on the phone to his daughter (Kim), seeing that his ex-wife is being held by armed antagonists] Brian: Listen to me carefully, Kim. Your mother is going to be taken. Kim: Dad, wait. Don’t you mean… twoken? Brian: Yes, Kim. Twoken. [both characters look directly at camera] [cut to black] […]

I was working the bar last night, and towards closing time, a young lady came up to order. She had some cool bright red top, a funky owl necklace, cute wavy blonde hair, and a very friendly face. She was the kind of person who makes you think “Yeah, we could totally be friends.”
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I’ll tell you right from the start: You guys are going to be so disappointed by that title.

As you may know, I’ve been away for a week in the south of France. A lot happened, there are a tonne of cool pictures to sort through, and I’ll get to it all in time. I thought I’d quickly share one particular highlight with you now, however… but just to warn you: it’s fucking disgusting.

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I want to see this reposted everywhere because Becky is adorable and refused to go into the sea and then this happened and it was cold and hilarious and I’m a terrible, terrible boyfriend.

I just want to start by saying NOBODY DIED. NO ONE IS DEAD. EVERYONE IS OKAY.

Now, I was checking Facebook (because I’m meant to be packing for holiday and I needed something to help me avoid it) and I found a link that said R.I.P. [girl’s name]. I was intrigued (okay, amused) by the quastionably ‘posey’ photo that had been selected as the group photo, so I clicked onto it. It was a memorial page for a girl who had died a few days before. Now, being something of a stickler for grammar (and also, a heartless piece of shit), I started laughing to myself at some of the grammatical and spelling errors that were in the condolence comments.

Okay, when I say laughing to myself… I mean I was howling like The Joker and crying like… someone with a dead dog, I don’t know. Either way, I was laughing my fucking head off. Now, I later found out that the page was a fake, so don’t hate me too much… Although I didn’t know it was a fake when I was already laughing, so hate me a bit. Anyway, since it was, for some reason, a fake, I can share with you a short list of half quotes, and half points of interest, without earning too much derision… I hope.
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So, starting from a couple of days ago, I have over TWO WEEKS off work, which is the most I’ve had off work in years; and considering how much I hate doing work, it’s pretty awesome. Becky and I have been frantically trying to book a holiday, but with not having any time together, and […]

In an unusually pedantic mood, I decided to…

Actually, let me start again.

In a usually pedantic mood, I decided to wander around my bar today and point out all of the things that contained grammatical and/or spelling errors; which, as it turns out, was just about everything. It started to annoy me to think about how little people care. This is a place of customer-orientated business, and yet there is no concern towards the writing when sending out confirmation emails with typos, displaying menus with grammatical mistakes, or writing up specials with misspelled words. It’s a direct representation of the company itself, and while nine out of ten people around here don’t seem to notice or care, what’s the harm in ensuring that you please ten out of ten people?

After about half an hour of me grumbling about this, a couple of my co-workers asked me why I wasn’t an English teacher, which at first I didn’t read into too much, simply quipping that with them around, I basically was an english teacher; however, something moderately annoying then occurred to me.
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There’s a little charity competition thing going at work at the moment, where customers can pay £1 to ‘name the bear‘, and the best name entry gets to keep it. Anyway, I was having a peer through all the entries today, and some absolute ass hat has entered the name Serendipity. For a teddy bear. […]

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It was a long night on the bar tonight, and with me to bear it was Simon, one of the new bartenders. I’ll cut this story short and get straight to the fun part. Before long we got bored enough to start playing ‘the cat game’, wherein you try to sneak the word ‘meow’ into serving a customer. Anyway, we started getting really brave with this, but no one was catching on; even when we were bursting out laughing at overhearing each other. Eventually, we decided to spice it up by just saying random animal names. It still didn’t work, because no one ever listens to the people serving them. Before long it was just a tirade of nonsense words and gibberish. This is how far it all got, and this is a genuine, exact transcript.

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