Monthly Archives: December 2011

The Scary Branch

I was hard at work on the bar last night (I like that I can say that here, and know that there’s a chance that you might believe me), when I went down to the cellar to grab a few extra bottles. As I descended the stair case, I was met by an unusual sight. […]

Oh well… There goes the last of my inheritance…

There was a really nice customer at work today who came up to the bar to pay for his meal. It was about £40 which I charged to his card. As I gave him his receipt, he handed me a note, and said “and this is for the service, thank you.” Now, the standard amount […]

A Big Ho Ho Ho to Everyone!

Trouble at The Fancy Eatery: A First World Disaster Story

This is basically a mild disaster story. When I say disaster, I mean a somewhat posh, snobby, first world disaster. Okay… Let’s call it what it is. I’m about to complain about the service at a restaurant. I was quite unsure about writing this, because I’d absolutely hate to come off as some pompous brat […]

Girls… Tits really aren’t everything…

Yesterday, my girlfriend Rebecca dragged me through a Primark shop to grab a couple of last-minute Christmas gifts. For anyone who doesn’t know, Primark is a horrific place; perhaps the closest representation of the Christian interpretation of hell, on earth. It is a never ending jungle of cheap, tatty clothes, patrolled and overpopulated by a […]

baby-its-cold-outside December 19

Date Rape Under The Mistletoe – A brief analysis of the deviant sexual undertones of a well known Christmas classic.

When it came on the radio three million times before, I apparently wasn’t paying much attention. Today however, my eyes and ears became open to a deeply disturbing subtext in the famous Christmas song ‘Baby, it’s cold outside’. Don’t believe me? You will. Just look at these genuinely upsetting lyrics.

Do they know it’s Christmas time? Well, no… Obviously not.

I know it’s pretty tacky to have a go at a charity song, but we’ve got that old Band Aid ‘Feed The World’ song playing over and over again at work, and it’s really starting to dig at me. Okay, I get the premise and the concept and it’s all lovely and friendly and warm […]

Felix’s Incredible 100% True Animal Facts – Volume 2

Enclosed, please find a list of unbelievable (and rightly so) animal facts. These facts have been well researched and documented and as such, it would be very wise to read them openly and assume that everything you are about to hear is completely true and is most certainly not a load of absolute twaddle.

Joaquin in a winter wonderland

“Oh, this? It’s just my Roman Gladiator helmet. Yeah, I’m a Roman Gladiator now!”

So there’s this guy in my building, who lives in the flat across the hall. He’s probably about 35 years old. He’s kind of weird looking; skinny and gangly and ginger. He doesn’t collect his mail for months at a time and then empties it all into a black bag before chucking it in the […]

The Brutal Rejection of an Odd Man on a Dance Floor

At the request of my girlfriend, I spent last night at a fancy, black tie ball / gala party thing. The night went well for me, but unfortunately, it wasn’t quite so kind to everyone…

Sexy Santa and The Nasty Gnomes

Work yesterday was funny. We had a group of four ladies come to dinner in costume. The first lady was dressed in sort of a ‘sexy Santa’ outfit. It was low cut and strapless, figure hugging and high at the thigh. It was mostly red of course, but with the usual white fluffy bits that […]

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