When it came on the radio three million times before, I apparently wasn’t paying much attention. Today however, my eyes and ears became open to a deeply disturbing subtext in the famous Christmas song ‘Baby, it’s cold outside’. Don’t believe me? You will. Just look at these genuinely upsetting lyrics.

For starters, the whole basis of the song is a timid, shy, young girl who’s ‘got to go home’ and a slightly too pushy guy who insists that ‘there’s no hurry’. Almost every word she speaks is to try and convince him to let her leave; ‘I really can’t stay, I’ve got to go away’, except for the odd guilt ridden incidences of trying to preserve her own honour: ‘But don’t you see, there’s bound to be talk tomorrow’, while he just continues to set up his ominous fantasy, totally oblivious to (or deliberately ignoring) her pleas, as if he’s some movie psychopath staging delusional one-sided conversations with his soon-to-be victims while they scream and cry: ‘Been hoping that you’d drop in. I’ll take your hat. Put some music on while I pour. Your hair looks swell. Mind if I move in closer? Man, your lips look delicious.’

It’s not long before she starts to get rather insistent on leaving: ‘I simply must go. The answer is no’, while he continues to sit there, presumably rocking back and forth like Rain Man, making dull observations about the weather: ‘Baby, it’s cold outside. Look out the window at that storm’. Using common psychology to remind her captor not only of the fact that she is a real person, but also that she is a person who many people will be looking for, should she go missing, the girl starts up with: ‘My mother will start to worry, my father will be pacing the floor. My brother will be there at the door. The neighbours might think.’

Soon, the captor begins making rather troubling and unveiled threats: ‘Think of my lifelong sorrow if you caught pneumonia and died’. The poor girl, whom I imagine to be a crying mess on the floor at this point, is now just insisting that she ‘really can’t stay’, over and over again. Soon after the previous comment about how the girl’s ‘lips look delicious’, he references that her ‘lips are delicious’. As there is clearly no wavering in her resolves between the two lines, one can only assume that at this point he has forced himself on her. We now see him try to turn his actions back on his victim in almost a bit of ‘wife beater’ psychology, when he asks ‘what’s the sense in hurting my pride’, which to me sounds like a mild mannered version of ‘You gonna embarrass me in front’a my friends, bitch?’

It’s also worth noting, that the girl is at this man’s home. He has his own home, and one can therefore assume that he is an adult. The girl, on the other hand, clearly still lives with her aforementioned parents, and one may extrapolate that she is still, somewhat younger. Now this is getting serious. Now he’s apparently abusing a minor.

As the song draws to a close (I assume the screams come after this point), I’m really starting to worry if ‘the cold’ that everyone keeps references is, in fact, the icy clutches of death clawing at the poor girl as she realises that she’s been poisoned, with the undeniably disturbing and scary lyric: ‘Say, what’s in this drink?’; and the final words heard as the song fades out (as the girl presumably slips out of consciousness) is the nightmarish man menacingly mumbling the words: ‘I’ll make it worth your while, baby’.

Now, given the evidence I’ve shown, I think it’s fair to say that this truly is the most disturbing Christmas song that any sick mind has ever dreamt up… and yes, I am including the lovely little number, ‘Santa’s Suit is Red with Baby Blood’, that I wrote for my girlfriend last year.

Positively horrific. While this little in-depth analysis has all, obviously, been completely in jest… it does sort of make you think, right?

On that ominous note: Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Join the conversation! 13 Comments

  1. Yes, it does make me think … that perhaps the answer to the young girl’s question about what’s in her drink is what we currently call a rufie. I have a version sung by James Taylor and Natalie Cole which really creeps me out – because, well, James is pretty old now and can’t play the “cute” card anymore. Yeesh! What’s this world come to that I think James Taylor is lecherous now? Funny post. Thanks for reading my posts!

    Reply
    • I’ve been hearing the Tom Jones one all day, and he’s about 80! Then again, I always got a fairly lecherous vibe from him. But thank you! I loved your ‘Winter Wonderland’ break down!

      Reply
      • Tom Jones’ version?! I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. But I am feeling a little nauseous right now. (Though, back in the day, I was an unabashed fan.) Happy holidays – I know they’ll be fun with your sparkling wit.

        Reply
  2. First..thank for dropping by my blog. I usually don’t listen to the lyrics of songs. In this case I think it was an advantage. I agree with AA that thinking of Tom Jones really creeps me out.

    Reply
  3. I honestly never paid attention to these lyrics before. Thanks for spotlighting them. Lecherous indeed. I love that a young man’s radar catches this stuff today. My radar is old and not as sharp. This stuff passed right over the heads of many of my generation. Though much may be wrong with the world, it comforts me to know that someone is paying attention.

    Reply
  4. I don’t often laugh outloud when I’m reading, but I did to this post. I’vve thought the same thing about the song, but God help me….I love it anyway.

    Reply
  5. OMG…laughing outloud, hilarious! My favorite version was the one with Vanessa Williams but now I will find myself listening listening for any potential sirens in the background suggesting that there night be some hope for this young girl’s virtue.
    ; )

    Reply
  6. For further consideration:
    The cover image on Rod Stewart’s early album
    ‘An old raincoat won’t ever let you down’ . . . . . .

    Reply
  7. Very funny and SO TRUE. There are so many creepy, stalker-y, co-dependent, pathetic and otherwise dysfunctional popular songs out there… but at Christmastime?

    Reply
  8. […] of stories for children or adult women, Tom Jones (for example and by no alone) with his songs of Christmas rape or murdering women, popular culture from fairy-tale to pop-music and film is littered with the […]

    Reply
  9. Hey, yeah I mostly think the same way as you, although I would think “What’s in this drink” means being drugged than poisoned. well, anyway, this analysis is exactly what is going on in my mind right now, although I don’t want to think that the writer meant it this way.

    Reply

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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.

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A few of my better posts, Articles I've written professionally

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