Here’s a very quick (and totally true) story about pirates (you guys know that I have a huge obsessions with pirates, right?), or, to be more precise, a story about one pirate in particular. It’s a super dumb story, and you’re going to love it.

Captain Benjamin Hornigold was a pretty good pirate. He helped reestablish and run Nassau in the Bahamas in the early 18th century, a little port town originally to be a ‘pirate haven’ for he and his associates to hide and relax and repair their ships out of sight from prying eyes, which has since become the largest city, and commercial capital, of the islands. He later turned on his ilk and became a pirate hunter, but blah blah blah, that’s not what this story is about.

At sea one afternoon (or morning or midday-ish, who cares about the details…) in the year 1716, Hornigold and his men spied a portuguese vessel off the coast of Honduras. They gave chase and brandished their flag, and, realising the futility of a battle in which the were outmatched by Hornigold’s superior ship and crew, the portuguese struck their colours and surrendered. The were quickly boarded by Hornigold, alone.

Everything you know about vicious, blood-thirsty, cutthroat pirates is about to change.

With the charm and charisma and politeness that had earned him his loyalty, Hornigold sauntered up to the Portuguese captain and imposed upon him a simply request, and upon granting said request, he left peacefully; not a shot was fired, nor was any of the wealth or provisions aboard the vessel plundered. He waved off the foreign sailors, who had been utterly at his mercy, and carried on across the vastness of the ocean, leaving behind only a sincerely baffled portuguese crew.

The men reported the event upon their return to land, and, unlike so many records of the era, the incident transcript remains in tact. As it turns out, ‘blood-thirsty’ Captain Benjamin Hornigold’s request was simple: he wished to procure all of the hats of the enemy crew; the reason being, he explained, was that he and his men had had a little too much to drink the previous night, and had thrown all of theirs overboard.

Now that, my friends, is a god damn pirate.