A short transcript of a conversation follows, wherein elusive billionaire Bruce Wayne takes an attractive, young lady to his bedroom.

Girl: Mister Wayne. How about we get these constricting clothes off.

Bruce: I was just about to suggest the same thing, young lady.

Girl: Oh, Mister Wayne, what a fine… wa – wait…

Bruce: What?

Girl: All those… scars. What the fuck?

Bruce: Oh, it’s just…

Girl: What the fuck!?

Bruce: I play polo, that’s all. It’s ra-

Girl: Jesus, fucking Jesus!

Bruce: -rather a dangerous sport. That’s all, don’t worry. Now, where were we…

Girl: Woah, woah. Polo? I’m not an idiot. I’m not a – a – a fucking idiot! Oh, god… you…

Bruce: I… what?

Girl: Oh, for fuck’s sake. You’re the fucking Batman, aren’t you.

Bruce: Wh – what? I… no! No, of course I’m, not. No!

Girl: You fucking are. You’re the fucking Batman. Oh, god; you’re Batman. I think I’m going to be sick. Oh, god. Oh, my god. I’m going to be sick.

Bruce: Honestly, look, just calm down. I – I can explain.

Girl: What, polo? I’m not a total moron. Some of those… Jesus… a lot of those look like – oh, my god – like bullet holes. Yeah, polo?

Bruce: I… no, it’s…

Girl: And that scratch! Where’d you get that, from a freaking tiger!?

Bruce: It’s…

Girl: Jesus Christ. How did you not think I would realise? Like, lah-dee-dah, this is my body, it’s totally normal to look like I went slip-and-sliding through a god damn broken glass factory! And what the fuck is that… it looks like someone tried to take a fucking bite out of you!

Bruce: I… uhh…

Girl: It all makes sense. Oh, god. I’m freaking out. It all makes sense. Extremely wealty, childhood trauma, returned to Gotham after ten years, and immediately we first see Batman. How the fuck do people not realise this all the time? And, of course, every time you adopt a new kid, we see a new Robin. What the fuck, Bruce? I mean, okay, I’m not the brightest cookie, but, like, the cops and villains and shit? If anyone actually wanted to find out who you were, it’s actually pretty fucking obvious, isn’t it? I mean, Jesus. Richest guy in Gotham with a motivation for justice and vengeance. Who the fucking hell else could it be? I can’t believe you’re Batman. I can’t believe it.

Bruce: Okay, fine, alright! Yes! I am Batman! I am the god damn Batman. Now are we doing this or what?

Girl: Are you kidding me!? Are you fucking kidding me!? You’re batman! Oh, my god, daddy… get those fucking pants off, and please, god, please do the voice for me.

Bruce: Want me to put on the cape and cowl?

Girl: God, I’m already coming.

Join the conversation! 6 Comments

  1. This must be the missing scene in Batman Returns..no wonder the movie sucks.

  2. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

  3. I’ve always been a Batman fan, yeah it’s great to see him getting laid for a change. :-)

  4. ‘Batman can’t stop thinking about sex’. College Humour.
    Wrong in every conceivable fashion.

  5. Aww! It was great, but finished a bit prematurely for my liking!


Leave me your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


A few of my better posts, Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for


, , , , , , , , , , , ,