I know, right? Sounds weird? It’s true. I think it’s the hair and the necklaces or whatever, but at least once a shift when I’m working on the bar, someone will say ‘Hey, man! Are you in a band? You look like you’re in band! I bet you’re in a band!’, and I have to be all like ‘Hey, asshole; a ‘band’ implies multiple members; ‘multiple members’ implies the existence of friends; so no, I’m not in a fucking band. I’m just a bartender, wasting his life giving alcohol to shitheels like yourself. If I were in a band, it’d be an awesome band, and we’d be rich, and I wouldn’t be working here. However, if your ocular senses are in fine working order, you’ll see that I am, in fact, here; and therefore, not elsewhere, being in a band.’

Unwarranted anger,’ you ask?

I’m a little drunk because luckily some of the aforementioned shitheels decided to buy me some drinks ‘for looking cool’, so I got a little tipsy as I finished my busy as fuck lock-up shift, so I’m in an ‘unwarranted anger’ kind of mood, and also I have mad tinnitus from being around blaring shitty music all night,’ I reply.

I’m not sure I’ve explained my point adequately, and I’m not re-reading to double check; so I’ll just say that by asking if I’m in a band (and being surprised that I’m not), it’s like saying ‘Hey man, from your style and demeanour, I’d thought you might be doing something cool with your life; but oh, okay, you aren’t. That’s cool, maybe.’

Whatever. Night, guys.

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Join the conversation! 3 Comments

  1. Loooooooserrrrrrrrrrr (That ‘s’ is pronounced like a ‘z’, by the way; don’t get optimistic)

    Reply
  2. Good old shitheels buying our man a round hahaha

    Reply
  3. Hmmmm….
    I never had to worry about people thinking I was cool.
    I sang for many years with the Washington National Opera at the Kennedy Center.
    I was always given 2 free tickets for dress rehearsals, so one time I gave them to some young friends who had never seen an opera. After the opera was over, I asked them if they liked it. The response was: “It was OK, I guess…BUT there was just way too much singing.”
    So, no, not cool. I’m a little outdated, I guess. ;)

    Reply

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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.

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Me complaining about stuff

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