Find enclosed a short series of observations and thoughts that came to mind as I, for some reason, attempted to watch the first episode of Elementary, a show that apparently does almost as good a job at raping the good names of Holmes and Watson as the Guy Ritchie movies did.

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Hookers? Really, Mr Holmes?

She just saw him through the window, pulling his top on, and now she’s walked in, and he’s shirtless again.

Why are his boxers sticking out so prominently? He’s Sherlock bloody Holmes, not an effeminate teenager.

Why would Sherlock Holmes even have tattoos? Nothing could be more out of character already.

Why would he own that tee shirt?

Oh, bless. They actually just tried to recite a quote from one of the books, and successfully managed to utterly dilute the meaning. Adorable.

I love that it’s called ‘Elementary’. Already they’ve based the entire show on the false pretence created by the quote ‘Elementary, my dear Watson’, which wasn’t even an accurate quote to begin with. Holmes never said that. Their shoddy knowledge of the character is evident in the opening bloody title.

‘I actually find sex repellant… but my body and mind require it to function.’ This is just ridiculous.

There’s no way Sherlock Holmes would ever have decided to move to New York.

Yup, typical. Always bring up 9/11 to make him seem more heroic.

This couldn’t be more ridiculous.

Her father’s affair was on Google?

Oh, he broke into her flat and stalked around her bedroom while she was asleep? Yeah, that’s cute and endearing and not a disgusting invasion of privacy.

He’s correctly guessed that it’s a serial killer, because there was one other case, two years ago, that wasn’t even that similar.

Why is he dressed that way? He wouldn’t dress that way. God, he looks… am I over-using the word ‘ridiculous’?

How did he even get into the opera without a ticket? You can’t just ‘I’m so clever‘ your way into a closed function.

Oh, god. Literally just, oh god.

This is genuinely the most circuitous murder plan in history.

Of course. The great Sherlock Holmes left England because of ‘a woman’. How the mighty have fallen to such tediously predictable, insipid plot points.

I’ve never seen a show wherein every single actor is equally so incapable of acting.

Typically tedious plot. They call him in for a simple case that turns into a complicated case, but that doesn’t get around the fact that they felt the need to contact him for help on what was initially perceived to be a simple case.

Sherlock Holmes himself is probably pissed off about this show, and he doesn’t even exist.

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Join the conversation! 4 Comments

  1. *Vomits in unison with you.* (Although, to be fair, those actors may very well know how to act; if the writing’s bad, your acting can only be so good. So it’s just another reason to hate the show. LOOK HOW BADLY YOU’RE MAKING THESE PEOPLE ACT, SHOW! Bra-vo. (There is no such thing as over-commenting.))

    Reply
    • I see it perhaps as more of a ‘So how are we supposed to act this one out? Ah, I see. Poorly. Right, sure. I can do poorly!’ It’s almost deliberately awful.

      WHY, JASMINE? WHY CAN’T THEY LEAVE SHERLOCK IN THE HANDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY WANTING TO RETELL HIS STORIES!?

      If you just want to make a film or a show about ‘a detective’, then make up someone new! Don’t use a character from a set of stories, and apply him to a shittier set of stories.

      Reply
  2. “WHY CAN’T THEY LEAVE SHERLOCK IN THE HANDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY WANTING TO RETELL HIS STORIES!?” Because it’s Hollywood (not the BBC) and that is what Hollywood does – reinvent the wheel and make a mockery of good original material. It’s not the first time they’ve taken good original characters and engaged in such debauchery. If it sucks as bad as you and the other reviewer on imdb claim, it being a drama – chances are it won’t last. The ignorant masses would rather watch ‘reality’ anyways ie. assholes like the Kardashians, or confused Amish people in New York City.
    Let’s hope we don’t see the Kardashian casted as a modern-day Bennet family anytime soon. (‘cringe’)

    Reply
  3. See, I knew it would be garbage, but not as bad as what you’ve described! Oh, the inhumanity! Sounds utterly ridiculous! AND SINCE WHEN DID SHERLOCK EVER NEED SEX! This just seems like I’d have more fun dragging my nails down a chalkboard. Gonna go cry over how stupid CBS is now.

    Reply

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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.

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Me complaining about stuff

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