So… You’ve awoken to a post apocalyptic world. Everyone’s gone. The houses are all abandoned, the cars have rolled to a stop in the middle of the street. Here’s what you do.

Firstly: break into everyone’s houses and go through all of their stuff. Find things that seem like they’d be fun to destroy and then destroy them in those particular ways, e.g. frisbee-ing crockery out of windows, baseball batting plasma televisions, knifing mattresses to see where the springs live, brick every window.

Secondly: act in a typically humiliating manner, safe in the knowledge that anyone who would care is dead. Sing terrible songs out loud, whilst naked, in the middle of Times Square or Vatican City or Stone Henge, or some other famous landmark. Masturbate and defecate whenever and wherever you want.

Thirdly: begin to realise the futility and finality of your existence. Panic. Start stockpiling food and supplies, and take refuge in the nicest house you can be bothered to find. Spend about a month rocking back and forth, hoping to reawaken from some terrible dream.

Fifthly: get proactive. Read every book and watch every film you can get your hands on. Become semi-decent at a number of instruments so as to be able to refer to yourself as ‘the best player in the world’, although you technically would be by default anyway. Learn several different foreign languages to preserve human achievement for a little while longer.

Sixthly: electricity has gone. When you find the energy, you can boil some water over a haphazard fire, in order to cook your Pot Noodle. Occasionally you’ll find some sort of confectionary that hasn’t past its use-by date. Wind away the rest of your years going mad with loneliness and isolation before eventually either killing yourself or contracting some illness in moderately old age that you’re not fit to diagnose and treat on your own.