Not really… I actually just had three days off to take my girlfriend Becky to a fancy-schmancy hotel for her birthday. I’ll go into the full details and pictures some other time; but for now, I’ll leave you all with the emasculating highlight for me.

We arrived in the lovely room in the lovely hotel that I had lovingly booked for us, and next to the giant jacuzzi, was a bottle of champagne on ice, with a message saying “Happy Birthday – Love Felix”. Fucking boyfriend points, right?

Anyway, things are going well… She’s swooning and happy and what not. We parade around the room all joyously, and I’m looking like a decent boyfriend for once. I then went to open the bottle of champagne. Here’s where shit went south.

Now, I’m a barman. I’ve opened ten thousand bottles of champagne. I know when someone else has accidentally shaken it up, and so I know that it wasn’t my fault that as soon as I touched the cork, it exploded, sprayed everywhere, fired out of my hand, rocketed across the room, and spilled its guts all over the floor and wall.

Bad times.

Again, it wasn’t my fault! It was shaken up! Still though… It would bloody happen wouldn’t it? Luckily, after we’d failed to gather up the courage to explain the situation to the hotel staff, they mistakenly brought us another bottle the following morning anyway, not knowing which day was her Birthday. We didn’t get double charged, we didn’t get in trouble, and it all turned out fine.

But then… The holiday couldn’t go off without at least one massive pain in the arse, right?

Join the conversation! 3 Comments

  1. I know the feeling. A few years ago I was working in a posh office downtown – with white carpets, abstract paintings on the wall and the lot. I went and bought a 2l fanta madness (the grape kind) so I can drink it slowly through my work day.
    I opened it up at mid day and it sprayed on me, on the floor and everywhere in the room… I managed to cap it eventually but half the bottle was gone.
    Needless to say everybody noticed the purple carpet stains and the grape smell as soon as they walked in… I had to pay for the carpet cleaning so it was kinda bad…

  2. I worked in security at a local hotel. One Sunday night, someone spilled coffee, and left an ugly brown stain on an $1800 artificial polar-bear rug in front of the elevators. The next morning, two polite young men in white coveralls got out of a white van and started rolling it up to take it for cleaning. The head of security helped them roll it up, held the side door open for them and opened the back of the van. THEN he went to management to tell them that the rug had been picked up for cleaning. “WHAT cleaning??! We didn’t authorize anyone to clean it!!” OOOPS!

  3. I recall one of the first times I opened a bottle of bubbly. I was a new employee at a winery and the owner had me fetch a bottle so she could entertain some friends in the tasting bar. She looked at me and asked ‘Have you done this before?” As I yanked the cork out, my reply “Yes, Madame” was accompanied by a tremendously loud pop. There was a classic moment of dead silence when everyone looked at the bottle before it exploded all over me. Luckily, everyone laughed and I kept my job.


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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


Weird things that somehow happen to me


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