Herein lies a post where I once again dissect, analyse, and let’s face it, mock the shit out of The Bible. If this doesn’t sound like your kind of post, then perhaps you should pop off to church instead… and don’t forget the blindfold and the earplugs!

Like most of the times I’ve written about an incidence in The Bible, all I really have to relay to you is a bunch of questions. This round of queries cropped up when I was trying to think of some Twitter jokes on the subject of Adam and Eve, a bonkers concept already, I know. We’ll leave out all of the nonsensical drivel about talking snakes and magic trees and the fact that it would be scientifically impossible for an entire race to originate from one male and one female because of the severity of the mutations that would occur through excessive incestuous inbreeding, and get straight to today’s point.

Okay, so… Adam and Eve eat from the magical tree, and suddenly they realise that they’re naked and that they’re ashamed of it, and they clothe themselves, right?

Where did they get the clothes from? Topshop? Obviously they didn’t make them or anything, because despite apparently looking away while they were talking to the snake, surely god wouldn’t have not seen them shearing some sheep and knitting some jumpers and sweat pants, or whatever. Also, why was god so pissed? He’s always depicted as wearing robes, and with a big beard for some reason, so why is he pissed about them robing up? Speaking of god’s beard, why does he always have grey hair? Is he respectively old, or is he just really stressed? I mean, this was only one week after creation, so unless he wasted his youth standing around in nothingness, he can’t be that old, surely?

Back to the main point, I love that Adam and Eve realise they’re naked and that they shouldn’t be after eating ‘the fruit of knowledge’, as if exhibitionism is a question of intellectual capability. Also, if that were the case, how fucking thick must they have been beforehand to not even be concerned about it? Did god deliberately create them to be mentally four years old? If so, I’d say Christians ought to thank Eve for supposedly chomping on that fruit, because otherwise we’d all be rolling in our own excrement right about now.

Now, obviously these questions are quite unanswerable, and obviously I give no credence to the story anyway, but if you do, then surely as much as you love and worship your heavenly father, you must admit that he’s pretty bloody awful at writing a plot-hole-free narrative.

10 out of 10 for the universe.

1 out of 10 for creative writing… And even that 1 is merely for penmanship.