Yeah, I’d like to file a formal complaint about how young children play board games.
I’ve always been the youngest in my family, so I’ve never had to interact with kids all that much; but after four years living with my girlfriend and not far from her family, of whom she is the eldest in her generation, I’m forced to interact with young kids an awful lot.
Now here’s the thing. I’m occasionally roped into ‘helping out’ when it comes to entertaining them; and I’m fine with that, honestly, it’s cool. However, every now and then, this will evolve into more than looking at a drawing or throwing them up in the air, and I’ll perhaps be forced to play a board game with them… And therein lies the problem.
As soon as I start winning, and let’s face it, I will because I’m an adult and can therefore maintain a cognitive thought for more than four seconds, they start getting annoyed… And then they start cheating.
And I’m supposed to just let that happen, right? I try to smile through gritted teeth and say some passive aggressive rubbish like “No, that’s not how we play…”, but then they just get fussy with me, leaving me no choice but to sit there and take it, like a bitch, lest I look like I’m not ‘playing nice‘ with them. Why should this be acceptable? If the kid says “moo” when we ask what noise a dog makes, then surely the child should be reprimanded in some way, in lieu of the more commonplace ‘Oh, close enough, cue the heartwarming laughter‘ procedure.
Anyway, after sitting there for what I’m pretty sure is eternity; watching, having to tolerate them while they roll the dice over and over till they get a six, or move my piece back, or redo a turn that they messed up, I eventually just impotently concede to let them win.
And here’s the best part. Here’s where it gets really out of hand. The real kicker, the god damn punch line, is that they then have the audacity, the misguided confidence, to gloat about their victory. And I mean, gloat. Like, this can go on for hours.
And they get away with it, because they’re only children…
Who’re the real idiots in this story? Who’re the real ‘lesser developed‘ ones? Because I tell you, those little fuckers have it easy… Meanwhile I’m busting my balls trying to survive the weary, drudging tedium of all of life’s little fuck you’s; so to come home at the end of it all, and have to endure the humiliation of an unjust defeat, as well as the berating that follows, all at the hands of someone who doesn’t even have to wipe their own arse?
Yeah… We should definitely go easy on them… After all they’re only kids.
They’re only god damn kids.
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--- Grumpy Comments --- 
Felix, right up until now loved your posts for their sense of irony.
It seems that I was wrong.
Now, I love your posts for their complete lack of irony. Either way, we both win.
This made me laugh so hard. Freaking cheating children! Someday it will be their turn!!!
you are a talented writer… thanks for making me smile. I am sure you don’t really hate kids, do you? :)
Well… Hate is a strong word… Maybe.
And thank you!
Kids. I couldn’t eat a whole one………….
Pffft. I have a five year old and, like my parents before me, I feel strongly that she’s going to have to learn to be a good loser someday and it might as well start young. Sure, I do let her win sometimes but it’s just as important that she learn how to lose so sometimes I play to win too. I think it’s a far healthier state of affairs than those who always let their kids win.
Just wait until they get old enough to beat you for real, but are still young enough to not realise that gloating could get them hit. That’s when it’s really annoying.
Dear God, those kids sound exactly like my younger brother that I have the pleasure of babysitting everyday. In the evenings, when everybody else is getting ready to hit the clubs. He makes me want to scream in frustration and pack my bags and leave. I fear he’s going to grow up to be a cocky little bastard.
Fuck ’em, play to win next time! Who told you that you have to be nice? Losing is good, get ’em used to it. Unless her family is filthy rich, in which case they probably won’t lose often, and it’s best to stay on their good side.
Two thoughts that are totally contradictory. First: If they win quickly, you can leave for another drink that much faster. Second: My nine year old son regularly kicks the shit out of me at chess so when I win, I gloat like a bastard and refuse to play another game for days.
lol.. another reason I dont have kids..