It takes little more than the lowest of I.Q.’s to discern the true nature of (the man known today as) Jesus Christ from the various mentions of him throughout the biblical texts.

The long hair and the beard, spending all day in a dressing gown and flip-flops, yammering on about peace and love; isn’t it obvious?

Jesus of Nazareth was a hippie. A pot smoking hippie.

According to the New Testament, Jesus claimed to have spent forty days and forty nights fasting in the desert while being tempted by Satan; but in reality, this translates to him spending a mere forty minutes sitting on his sofa with the munchies, mumbling to himself while his dog was barking. Most of his days were spent getting high with his twelve identified associates. They used to drop LSD and hallucinate that Jesus could do magic tricks and miracles. He grew most of his supply himself in order to ‘feed the masses’, and his ‘disciples’ would act as his street dealers. He garnered a reputation around town, and was soon beloved by the drug-using community. He would get completely blitzed and tell stories about how his real dad was an immortal magician who invented the universe, and then he’d often throw up and pass out. This one time, he got so high that he wandered out onto a hilltop and started talking gibberish to a gathered crowd who had literally no idea what he was going on about until Saint John started handing out joints and everyone got messed up.

A potentially bright future was wasted when, at the age of only 33, Jesus was arrested for drug trafficking. It was one of his own, an undercover narcotics officer for the DEA acting under the name ‘Judus Escariot’, who proved instrumental to apprehension of the drug kingpin. Jesus, in possession of over 17 pounds of marijuana, was charged with intent to sell and was sentenced to death by crucifixion. He was given leave for a final meal with his former allies, all of whom received little more than community service for their part in Jesus’s drug syndicate. Apparently, they all had White Castle burgers and copious amounts of cherry soda.

It was reported that several days after his execution, some of his disciples saw the figure of Jesus who had risen from his grave; although to be fair, they were all totally tripping balls at the time, and it could have been any bearded isrealite, so their testimony can be regarded as spurious at best.

Join the conversation! 15 Comments

  1. This is hilarious. I love this version of Jesus’ life.

  2. My grandma used to have a Last Supper clock. No joke.

  3. Lol, great pic to go along with the story.

  4. kind of missing the point of the piece I realise but there is actually evidence that the ‘healing’ balms and anointing oils Jesus used were made largely of marijuana in a liquidized form

  5. I’m sure Jesus liked Bon Iver.

  6. Where did you get that picture!
    Very funny!

    • I made it myself! Not to say I drew out the last supper, but rather I just defaced a copy of it by crudely drawing in the spliffs and the smoke. My original idea was to superimpose cheeseburgers on their plates, but this seemed easier…

  7. This is irreverently funny.

  8. OMG…this is funny. it should be ilegal *i feel guilty laughimg to it*

  9. Just because of this…I’m going to read your entire blog. Hizzah!!! ;)

  10. Another gem to take the wind out of the sails of the Christian yachtsmen. Post on!

  11. Funny yet could be true… There are two sides to a coin.

  12. […] Jesus Christ – Marijuana Superstar Haught Street Obama “Yes We Cannabis” Poster (Photo credit: Tony Fischer […]


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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


A few of my better posts, My Thoughts on Religion and Philosophy


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