It takes little more than the lowest of I.Q.’s to discern the true nature of (the man known today as) Jesus Christ from the various mentions of him throughout the biblical texts.
The long hair and the beard, spending all day in a dressing gown and flip-flops, yammering on about peace and love; isn’t it obvious?
Jesus of Nazareth was a hippie. A pot smoking hippie.
According to the New Testament, Jesus claimed to have spent forty days and forty nights fasting in the desert while being tempted by Satan; but in reality, this translates to him spending a mere forty minutes sitting on his sofa with the munchies, mumbling to himself while his dog was barking. Most of his days were spent getting high with his twelve identified associates. They used to drop LSD and hallucinate that Jesus could do magic tricks and miracles. He grew most of his supply himself in order to ‘feed the masses’, and his ‘disciples’ would act as his street dealers. He garnered a reputation around town, and was soon beloved by the drug-using community. He would get completely blitzed and tell stories about how his real dad was an immortal magician who invented the universe, and then he’d often throw up and pass out. This one time, he got so high that he wandered out onto a hilltop and started talking gibberish to a gathered crowd who had literally no idea what he was going on about until Saint John started handing out joints and everyone got messed up.
A potentially bright future was wasted when, at the age of only 33, Jesus was arrested for drug trafficking. It was one of his own, an undercover narcotics officer for the DEA acting under the name ‘Judus Escariot’, who proved instrumental to apprehension of the drug kingpin. Jesus, in possession of over 17 pounds of marijuana, was charged with intent to sell and was sentenced to death by crucifixion. He was given leave for a final meal with his former allies, all of whom received little more than community service for their part in Jesus’s drug syndicate. Apparently, they all had White Castle burgers and copious amounts of cherry soda.
It was reported that several days after his execution, some of his disciples saw the figure of Jesus who had risen from his grave; although to be fair, they were all totally tripping balls at the time, and it could have been any bearded isrealite, so their testimony can be regarded as spurious at best.