Herein lies a list of silly hypothetical questions; the kind of tedious, banal, utterly pointless questions that you had really ought to get used to if ever you intend to spend more than roughly four minutes in my immediate vicinity (not that you would).

Also, feel free to leave any comments and/or answers and justifications, as well as more questions, in the section below… because it’s not like you, or any of the other folks who would bother reading this, have anything better to do.

1. Who would you rather fight: a lion, but you’re armed with a sword; or two bears, but you have a handgun with only two bullets?

2. If you had a boyfriend or girlfriend who was great in every way and fantastic in bed, would you be able to overcome the fact that during sex, they scream the word ‘porpoise’ in shortening intervals until they climax?

3. For the straight guys: If you hadn’t had sex in ages, and a male friend somehow managed to magically swap his mind and consciousness into the body of an extremely attractive girl, and he offered you to ‘have a go’ on it… would you?

4. Would you sooner kill a dog with a hammer, than lick a corpse’s face for ten solid minutes?

5. Would you rather lose a hand and only be allowed to attach a hook to the stump, or have no nose whatsoever and never be allowed to get a false plastic surgery nose?

6. Eat a lightbulb or drink a pint of clean, disease-free human blood?

7. Would you rather lose £100, or be given £10 million and have to set it all on fire and watch it burn?

8. What would you rather lose: one finger or two toes?

9. Would you rather eat only one meal every three days of whatever you want, and only peanuts in between to keep you alive; or eat whatever you want, whenever, but have no sense of taste?

10. Would you rather lose sight in one eye, or have to eat both of someone else’s?

11. Would you rather have six fingers, or thirteen fingers (and yes, I do count thumbs as fingers, smart ass)?

12. Would you rather drink a pint of clean human blood, or half a pint of clean horse blood? Side note: They are both mammals, so there really isn’t any difference, biologically speaking, but… come on… it’s horse blood. Gross.

13. Would you rather have pig’s ears or a cow’s nose?

14. Would you rather have one human sized frog leg, or one human size badger arm?

15. Would you rather have it so that all clothes are invisible on you to yourself (but with one mirror in your bedroom with which to sort yourself out) but you appear normal to everyone else, or have it so that 50% of all the people you see every day will appear naked to you.

16. And a gross one to finish us off: would you rather have to watch your parents have sex every other day for the rest of their lives, or join in just once and then put it all behind you.

Join the conversation! 19 Comments

  1. Bear
    Human blood
    Two toes
    Ear canal
    Frog leg

  2. Would you rather be an ugly, fat woman’s breast… Or a handsome man’s ball-bag?
    – Ball-bag, I’m kind of a dick already so the transition would be easier.
    To the men – Would you rather have sex with a mouldy, bed sore 60 stone woman, or get bummed by a decent looking man.
    – The latter, I’m sure there are drugs and therapy to help me through that, but not enough bleach in the world to get rid of the smell left on me from the former.
    If you hadn’t had sex in ages, and a male friend manages to swap his brain into the body of the hottest girl you’d ever seen… And he offered you to ‘have a go’ on it… Would you?
    – Yes, because if you watch the movie “gozu” you know that the girl will subsequently give birth to your old friend (whole) and you will then have a hot babe who is just a hot babe afterwards.
    Would you rather have one human sized frog leg, or one human size badger arm?
    -Badger of course, absolutely no one would fuck with you.

  3. Okay, here goes: !. handgun with two bullets 2. sure, I’d scream “dolphin” 3. not a guy. 4. I’d never kill a dog, so lick I would.5. could I put ketchup on the pre-killed baby? 6. I would never eat a lightbulb 7. Lose 100 pounds 8. two toes, I play piano 9. eat peanuts 10. not a man 11. oh…13, what fun! 11. I’ll try the horse, can I put a shot of whiskey in it? 12. either or –13. badger arm 14. ball bag, less wieght. 15/ pigs ears…can be hid with hair. 14…wait, I’ll conjer up the ghost of Jeffery Dalmer and get back to you on that.

    You have a bright future in video game design! LOL!

  4. in response to none of your questions: I once hit my dog on the head with a hammer because I was fascinated with how hard her skull was. That dog is gone but I now have a tense relationship with my current pet.

    Also, you follow me I follow you. deal with it.

    • I do follow you… And there’s nothing you can do about it.

      Also, I’ll go ahead and assume that you were young at the time, but if not, maybe you shouldn’t be allowed near animals.

      Or people.

      Or hammers.

  5. Gah. Not quite sure how I’d answer any of these. I certainly hope I never have to!

  6. I think I could go for the pigs ears. I’ll bet girls would think they’re cute.
    As for the brain chnage sex question.Answer is a no-brainer-Its who’s on the INSIDE that counts. Yeah?

  7. Woul;d you rather be fat and famous or thin and bisexual or neither?
    Would you rather be Lawrence of Arabia or Peter Seamus Lorcan O’Toole?
    Would you rather play for Rangers(are they still in existence?) or Forres Mechanics?
    Would you sell your soul to the devil and if so how much would you want for it?
    Would you rather be a Shaman than a snail?

  8. I only have the stamina to answer the first one. I would definitely take on the lion with the sword. Not because I think its easier, but that would be pretty cool… as long as I won and killing lions was not inhumane or stupid.

  9. Alright, you just made me giggle out loud like a fool on the bus. Well played sir. Well played.

  10. Once again, very old post and I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit I’ve been reading long enough to get this far back. But this has made a very dreary morning at work incredibly interesting. I think we could be friends.

  11. This is so awesome. I would definitely cut off a finger, rather than two toes, as I would lose the ability to walk. … I would rather drink human blood if I needed to, as then goth chicks would find me attractive. … In general, excellent hypothetical questions.

  12. #2 It would be nice if a woman would scream my name now and then. My name is not David or Laureen or God.

  13. I will follow your blog-i invite you to follow mine. beebeesworld

  14. Thanks for your follow!! Had a good smile at this post. :D


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About Felix O'Shea

Felix is a guy who isn't actually a writer, but calls himself one when he wants to try to impress gullible people.


Random rubbish that I can't think of a category for


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