This is something that creeps across my mind a lot. I have ups and I have downs, but I know that even my best days are tainted with something that spoils the flavour of them. You’re so sure that it can’t be normal, but you still wonder if it is; and if it is, then you have to face up to your own shortcomings as a person, for being so utterly defeated by something that everyone else deals with, and overcomes, on a daily basis.
I sometimes feel like there’s no colour in my world. It’s as simple as that. I look out across a sea of blues and greens and shimmering golds, and my brain only shows me shades of grey; and as the smiles play across the faces of those who see what I see, but not as I see it, it only serves to remind me of the part of myself that seems to be missing.
I don’t believe in ‘souls’; but if I did, that’s what I’d say I’d misplaced.
Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transportation. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, whatever; just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on a train. So fraught with danger and unpleasant tension are they, that if one is foolish, or desperate, enough to utilise them, they must take the most precise and delicate of precautions to remain anonymous; lest you breathe at someone the wrong way and have your peaceful carriage become the setting for a reenactment of the shoot out scene in Leonardo DiCaprio’s mansion from the movie Django Unchained.
A few handy hints for the on-the-go traveler who is far too busy (being an important, big shot man/woman-about-town, no doubt) to make time for the dreary underling, the tedious former associate, or the slightly mental, and (as you’ve just remembered) weirdly clingy ex-partner.
Step One: Stay on the Move
Maintaining momentum is the golden rule. If this is a ‘smile and wave‘ acquaintance, then it shouldn’t be a problem; however if you know that a conversation will be instigated, then there’s an important trick that I like to call the ‘spin ‘n’ grin‘. Be the first person to initiate contact, as it makes you seem genuinely interested in conversing, but instead of stopping in front of them (absolute no-no), simply walk to the side of them, turning around so that you’re still facing them, chatting, but walking away backwards. This shows that you’re in a hurry to do something that, as much as you’d love to stay and chat, can’t be put off. Keep smiling and talking until you’re roughly four steps away, and then bust out the old ‘I’m sorry, I really have to run, but it’s lovely seeing you.’ Continue reading →
This is one of my favourite articles that I’ve ever written, so it’d be awesome if you guys could be all supportive and whatnot, and give it a read, a repost, or a like. Click the link below to be taken to the full article.
Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transport. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, whatever; just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on a bus, train, or tram. So fraught with danger and unpleasant tension are they, that if one is foolish, or desperate, enough to utilise them, they must take the most precise and delicate of precautions to remain anonymous; lest you breathe at someone the wrong way and have your peaceful train carriage become the setting for a reenactment of the Leonardo DiCaprio’s mansion shoot out scene from Django Unchained.
I’m back with The Impersonals for yet another article about my total inability to function in everyday society.
I went to have my haircut recently; yet another of those tedious tasks that I perform, partly as a sort of ritual to show that I do (or at least, pretend to) take some pride in my appearance, and partly because my hair kept poking me in the eyes, and it was on the verge of becoming a safety hazard. I went there, already pessimistic about how pointless the imminent twenty minute procedure would be in the grand scale of the universe, and was greeted and seated by a young girl who was so friendly and cheerful that it’s like she never even considered her impending death.
So, a friend of mine made the suggestion of a bunch of bloggers trying to write a short story based on a single photograph. Now, I tend to shy away from serious fiction, as I lost the taste for it several years ago (when I lost the taste for most other things), so rather than a straight narrative, it turned out to be something of an introspection. In any case, below you’ll find the picture, and below that you’ll find the story. Don’t judge too harshly, as I said, it certainly isn’t my forte!
Poor little apostrophe. He knows his place, and more importantly, he knows when he’s not in it. Some, or all, will say that it isn’t really too important, and that as long as you get the gist of what is meant, then the grammatical semantics of the written word can probably fall by the wayside. However, if the boat of proper grammar truly is sinking, then I would rather let the weight of a million neglected semi-colons and brackets pull me down to the dreary depths of the abyss, than abandon ship and take refuge upon the misplaced and miserable apostrophe that hangs lifeless between the O and the S in the word: photo’s, or cling to safety upon the second f in the word of.
I’m at the long drawn out ‘collecting contributed interior artwork from generous internet strangers‘ phase, and I’ve has some really great submissions. This book is shaping up to be pretty damn awesome, if I may say so. The writing is about done I think, although I will soon go over it all again with some fresh eyes.
Anyway, I’d still love it if a few of you guys will download a copy when it’s out, as it will (hopefully) be funny; and even if it isn’t, you’ll see some awesome pictures drawn by some awesome people.
And again, if anyone else wants to contribute a sketch, hit me up at GrumpyComments@hotmail.co.uk and I’ll give you some more information!
I’m not very good at talking… I don’t do it very much. I’m a big sufferer of‘L’esprit de l’escalier’, or ‘The wit of the staircase’. In other words… I’ll think of something great to add to a conversation about ten minutes after it’s ended, or I’ll think of a witty comeback to someone’s insult just after they’ve left the room. Continue reading →