Tag Archives: Twitter

She’s all like ‘I wanna be the little spoon; you can be the big spoon,’ and I’m like ‘Bitch, they’re the same size, that’s why they fit.’

When life gives you lemons, maybe you ought to show a little appreciation for the free fucking lemons this time.

My eyes aren’t very good with distances, so I have to wear glasses to make sure I don’t bump into things that are very far away.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re watching porn and they don’t make a big deal about suddenly swapping to anal. It’s like ‘hey guys, maybe I like the planning stage.’

My suicide note will just be a list of all the things that have gone wrong in my life, abruptly ending in the marks of a snapped pencil tip.

I accidentally sent a dick picture to my cousin, which is so super awkward because we were still just in the ‘topless photos’ phase.

I miss the good old days when ‘macing an attacker’ involved wielding a giant bladed club.

It’s weird. It took me years to learn French, and yet you go to France and even the children can speak it fluently. I mean, where did they find the time?

Consider how hilarious it is that we, as the most intellectually evolved species on the planet, are constantly spilling food on ourselves.

It’s funny that they’re called ‘Nickelback’, seeing as that’s the kind of refund you can expect after inadvertently purchasing one of their albums.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in, he’d made his costume himself. It was a Pilates class. He immediately realised his mistake.

My cat’s scratching at my bedroom door and I’m holding my breath so he doesn’t know I’m in here. I’M A PRISONER IN MY OWN GOD DAMN HOME.

That’ll teach me…

I’ve spent days deliberating over the perfect wording of excellent jokes that turned out to be less successful than this tweet. It was legitimately my water meter reading and I didn’t have a pen. You people are weird.

20140331-190839.jpg March 31

Remember that time I was awesome for my twitter avatar?

Well, this is that awesome. I was awesome once for my twitter avatar. This is that awesome. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Mar 20, 2014 at 12:13pm PDT

Girl, you’re so pretty like a painting; I just want to sit in front of you and discuss what your parents were trying to convey when they created you.

I’m giving up listening to people telling me what they’re giving up for lent for lent.

Häagen‑Dazs: because men are assholes.

I spilled some Red Bull on a plug socket, but instead of making everything work super efficiently, it just shorted out the whole building.

I always wink at pretty girls, except I do it with both eyes, and for six to eight hours, and not at her, but at home in bed, alone.

‘We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a six second Vine of a pigeon stealing a man’s hat.’

I wish my girlfriend knew that ‘Can you move over a bit?’ doesn’t mean ‘Roll your head away, but continue to sleep with your diagonal body right where it is.’

You can’t not love the courtship process of modern society

Just as a preamble, I had this twitter mention from someone I’d never interacted with, and though ‘I remember when I had very few followers, and it always meant a lot to me when the people I spoke to found the time to reply.’ This is probably why I don’t do it too often. P.S. […]

This is why I love the internet…

I was contacted by a random follower on twitter, who informed me that she’d Christmas-ised my Twitter display picture. Don’t get me wrong, I hate Christmas as much as the next miserable, maladjusted child of divorce; but with festivity like that, it’s hard to not be appreciative. Thank you now and always, internet strangers!

Felix’s Hatemail

Internet people are fun. I don’t usually bother replying to this kind of tedious antagonism, but this guy was pretty insistent. I actually had a look at his twitter history, and he’s the kind of asshole who tweets “hey sexi, wanna fuck?” to every female he can find. Idiot.

image September 01

Life Online: Pop Psychology and Instant Messaging

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free.” This is an extract from the poem that lies at the proud feet of America’s Statue of Liberty that, when first built, served as a beacon to travellers and immigrants as they neared their soon-to-be home. It served as a symbolic gateway […]

So this Internet guy said some really nice stuff about me…

His name is Tom, I assume, and he goes by @iTomFoolery. It turns out that he liked some of my tweets, and decided to tell everyone how funny I was. Not that I think I am funny. I mean, I am… But… He said it, not me. Anyway, listen to it, tell me how great […]

Honestly, you think it’s bad to sleep with someone without knowing their name? Half the time when I sleep with someone, I don’t even know their species.

Before I got Twitter and Tumblr and WordPress, I thought it was weird that people could actually like people that they haven’t met in real life. Nowadays, I think it’s weird that people can actually like people that they have met in real life.

The Golden Rules of Twitter

1. The more I want to have sex with you, the funnier your tweets apparently are. 2. Starring is the equivalent of kissing someone, retweeting is the equivalent of having a weekend of nasty, sweaty sex with someone, and ‘quote tweet’ing is the equivalent of fucking your best friend’s wife or husband, and then pissing […]


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