Just as a preamble, I had this twitter mention from someone I’d never interacted with, and though ‘I remember when I had very few followers, and it always meant a lot to me when the people I spoke to found the time to reply.’
This is probably why I don’t do it too often.
P.S. Were anyone to be sitting on anyone’s face, man on woman doesn’t sound like the way around that it should be.
I was contacted by a random follower on twitter, who informed me that she’d Christmas-ised my Twitter display picture.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate Christmas as much as the next miserable, maladjusted child of divorce; but with festivity like that, it’s hard to not be appreciative.
Thank you now and always, internet strangers!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free.”
This is an extract from the poem that lies at the proud feet of America’s Statue of Liberty that, when first built, served as a beacon to travellers and immigrants as they neared their soon-to-be home. It served as a symbolic gateway to a new life; a free life, where a person was able to pursue his or her dreams, with honesty and integrity, and above all, without fear of persecution or undue judgement.
In this new era however, a unseen country has arisen in the wake of the digital age; a new domain for men and women, children and adults, to express themselves, to open themselves, to find themselves; and like Narnia or Hogwarts or countless other realms of fantasy and imagination, this parallel universe is accessed via a magical portal.
Well, I still think iPads and android phones are pretty magical, anyway.
His name is Tom, I assume, and he goes by @iTomFoolery.
It turns out that he liked some of my tweets, and decided to tell everyone how funny I was. Not that I think I am funny. I mean, I am… But… He said it, not me.
Anyway, listen to it, tell me how great I am, and then go on twitter and tell him how great he is too. Also, follow him… Not because he’s funny, even though he definitely is very funny, but just because he said nice things about me, and that’s pretty cool.
On a serious note (implying that all previous notes weren’t serious), I really appreciate things like this. I don’t tweet for fun, or to kill the hours; I mean, it does fill both of those slots, but at the same time, it is actually very important to me. I don’t finish working a great job and then come home to my fancy four-bedroom to write some tweets. Writing is what I want to do with my life, and every day that it’s not how I get my salary, is a wasted day, as far as I’m concerned; and twitter, albeit a minor way, is still a great way to get myself a little closer to this, and out of hiding in the cellar at the bar where I spend every night, trying to think up jokes.
Anyway, this is a link to Tom’s little ‘shout out’. Have a listen and maybe have a laugh. If you achieve both, I’m sure that Tom and I will be equally pleased.
Honestly, you think it’s bad to sleep with someone without knowing their name?
Half the time when I sleep with someone, I don’t even know their species.
Before I got Twitter and Tumblr and WordPress, I thought it was weird that people could actually like people that they haven’t met in real life.
Nowadays, I think it’s weird that people can actually like people that they have met in real life.
1. The more I want to have sex with you, the funnier your tweets apparently are.
2. Starring is the equivalent of kissing someone, retweeting is the equivalent of having a weekend of nasty, sweaty sex with someone, and ‘quote tweet’ing is the equivalent of fucking your best friend’s wife or husband, and then pissing on his or her furniture.
3. Posting an IP link to your exact current locations only helps to facilitate my intention of murdering you.
4. I won’t read a single one of your tweets if you can’t even perfect the spelling and grammar in your ‘bio’ section.
5. Ease up on the #hashtags, it makes you look desperate.
6. Announcing when someone unfollows you doesn’t make them look like a dick. Basically, you’re just loudly announcing that someone doesn’t find you funny or interesting.
7. It’s fine if you want to follow back every single person that follows you, but if you start following the spam bots, people will think that you’re mentally handicapped.
8. Everyone loves a bit of flirtation or some cheeky ‘sexting’, but please try to remember the difference between direct messages, and public replies.
9. Your avi picture should be of yourself. Even if you’re fuck-ugly, I’d rather follow someone with a face, than a CGI butterfly or a cat sitting in a duvet.
10. If you really feel the need to send personal messages to celebrities, you’d better make sure it’s the best joke you’ve ever thought of. Just trying to say ‘hello’ to them makes you seem delusional.
Now, I joined Twitter only a couple of weeks ago, and so I don’t have many ‘followers’ yet, but I have noticed a rather odd pattern in the type of person on it. Continue reading