Tag Archives: Rant

20140721-230906-83346076.jpg July 21

‘Oh my god, I am just SO sarcastic!’

I hate people constantly over-describing themselves as ‘sarcastic’, as if it’s one of their main character traits. ‘Hi, I’m Felix. I’m 6’2″, dark-haired, sarcastic.’ You can’t just be sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic when you call yourself sarcastic, because you can’t identify your entire being as ‘sarcastic’ if what you mean is ‘I often, but […]

20140419-234910.jpg April 19

Warning: this card is stupid

Okay, so I have to look at this card at work every day, and I’ve decided to let you guys in on why it pisses me off so much.

I’m sick of people thinking that I’m cooler than I actually am.

I know, right? Sounds weird? It’s true. I think it’s the hair and the necklaces or whatever, but at least once a shift when I’m working on the bar, someone will say ‘Hey, man! Are you in a band? You look like you’re in band! I bet you’re in a band!’, and I have to […]

20130110-093631.jpg June 09

So What Exactly Is All This ‘Partying’ Nonsense?

If brief radio flickers and supermarket PA systems have taught me anything about modern music, it’s that kids like to party. The shards of Kesha and One Direction that aggressively force their way into my unwilling ear drums from time to time have certainly shown me that much. However, they never really say ‘drinking’ or […]

The Somewhat Unusual Adventures of Cock Out Man

So there I was in the swimming pool locker room… (Great start to a story) I had just about finished getting showered and dressed and was just drying my hair, when in walked Cock Out Man. As you can guess from his name, Cock Out Man had his cock out, proudly dangling away as he swung […]

‘Hi, I’m Scott Taylor of Scott Taylor Electricals.’

If I ever meet one of those people who introduces themselves by saying their name, followed by ‘of‘ and the name of their company that they’ve named after themselves, you can bet your fucking legs that I will elbow drop them on the top of the head.

Chris Brown – Still an asshole

I recently made a joke on Twitter regarding the past incident of Chris Brown’s abuse of Rihanna, but after I posted it, I immediately thought about how insane it is that this topic, even after several years, has been allowed to slide away into the realm of jokes (albeit fantastic ones in my case).

Lies From Beyond The Grave

Obviously my own feelings of the legitimacy of the matter aren’t hard to guess. However, for the sake of this article, I will try not to simply summarise this practice with one of the many vulgar four letter words that are currently piling up on the tip of my tongue, gently rapping on my teeth, […]

This is why the people at work no longer invite me to things…

Me: You know what we need around here? More funny people. Like me. More funny people like me. That’s what we need around here. Simon: Who says you’re funny? Who tells you that you’re funny? Me: Uhh… My affirming and supportive imaginary friend, obviously. Simon: I – Me: Derek. Simon: What? Me: My affirming and […]

Felix’s Hatemail

Internet people are fun. I don’t usually bother replying to this kind of tedious antagonism, but this guy was pretty insistent. I actually had a look at his twitter history, and he’s the kind of asshole who tweets “hey sexi, wanna fuck?” to every female he can find. Idiot.

image September 13

The Aliens want you to Buy My Book: The Radicalisation of Advertising

“Aliens are real. There really was an alien crash landing in 1947 near the Roswell Army Air Field, and the United States Government really did cover it up.” These are the claims that were recently being made by a former CIA operative named Chase Brandon; claims which are of course, entirely fictional. He asserted that […]

Why I Shouldn’t be an English Teacher

In an unusually pedantic mood, I decided to… Actually, let me start again. In a usually pedantic mood, I decided to wander around my bar today and point out all of the things that contained grammatical and/or spelling errors; which, as it turns out, was just about everything. It started to annoy me to think […]

image September 06

‘Wisps of Hope’

There’s a little charity competition thing going at work at the moment, where customers can pay £1 to ‘name the bear‘, and the best name entry gets to keep it. Anyway, I was having a peer through all the entries today, and some absolute ass hat has entered the name Serendipity. For a teddy bear. […]

An ex-CIA agent is claiming that the Roswell incident really WAS an alien landing, buried in a government conspiracy…

… And on a totally, absolutely, obviously unrelated note; he’s currently plugging and promoting his new book, which happens to be about an alien landing, buried in a government conspiracy. I find it astronomical the audacity, and the soulless desperation, of some people who try to take advantage of other, naive and gullible, people. Then […]

Best Fucking Friends Forever!

It’s a weird concept, isn’t it; to have a ‘best‘ friend. I find it strange enough; the notion that while you may have lots of friends, one of them in particular is universally agreed to be the one that you like the most, but what’s even stranger is when someone refers to themselves as someone […]

Devil Pets

Every single night I hear my cats crashing and smashing and knocking things over in the other room. I hear them meowing and hissing and breaking things and tearing things, but then when I go through to survey the wreckage the following morning, there’s never a single item out of place. These fucking cats creep […]

An attack on the religion, and not the religious…

There’s a little rant that I’d like to get off my chest, but I certainly don’t want it to misunderstood, or misinterpreted. I hate religion. Now, this is a very bold statement of course, and any initial presumptions you might have for my meaning need to be set aside for a moment. I don’t hate […]

There’s nothing quite as disappointing as disappointing chewing gum.

Have any of you guys ever tried that 5 gum? It’s the most over-hyped chewing gum ever conceived. The ridiculously hyperbolic marketing equates it to ‘standing in the spot where lightning just struck‘ and they have adverts like the one where a guy lies down on a gigantic speaker covered in ball bearings, and then […]

The perfume of heroic deeds, or the stench of vomit and tequila

What has happened to her face? That’s the front page headline I saw when a co-worker handed me the newspaper yesterday. It’s no secret how much I loath the British tabloids (as posts like ‘Why I can’t look at The Sun‘ and ‘The Anatomy of The Brain (of a Tabloid Reader)‘ will tell you), but […]

An Open Letter to Dicks…

Dear Dicks, I have recently come across one of your kind and shall address him thusly…

A Few Sights from the Day’s Travels

Well, I had a little wander into the great wide open today, expecting to stumble across the sort of daft and bizarre nonsense that one usually finds on any innocuous outing… and so, dear readers, I give you today’s wonders: First up, we have a lovely Galaxy Milk Drink. The (1%) bit denotes that apparently […]

Well.i.am Pissed Off

While watching some rubbish on 4oD, it reached the halfway point, meaning some fifteen second adverts were going to pop up and irritate me, which I had to sit through. It was during one of these advert breaks that my glazed over brain was suddenly awoken, just in time to hear The Black Eyed Peas […]

image March 27

Shiny Turds for the Unwashed Masses

Today’s little ramble is on advertising, or to be more precise, sucker-advertising; the kind of advertising we see all the time where something mundane is made to look cool to lure in the idiots: like a deodorant that makes hundreds of gorgeous, scantily clad women start clawing at your genitals, or a chewing gum that sends […]

image March 23

The Prehistoric Predators Lurking at Tesco

I was sat here, as I often am at three in the morning, pondering a topic upon which to write about, and I scoured my brain only to come up with a few dusty scraps of unintelligible drivel about the sorry state of modern music or the shameful hyperbolising of tabloid newspapers. So, in lieu […]

image March 18

Colgate Total. Because You’re a Complete Fucking Idiot.

I literally just had to stop everything I was doing (watching 10 O’Clock Live and playing Angry Birds in bed… Rock and roll…) to write about the literally horrific advert that just popped up, and it honestly made me think about how some adverts actually get made. At some point the people who write them […]

image March 13

Anatomy of The Brain (of a tabloid reader)

This nifty front cover to a recent issue of Emergency Toilet Paper (or The News of the World, as it prefers to be called), presents us with a handy insight into the inner workings of the sub-species of human that would find themselves inclined to read (unless subject is unable to read; a likely scenario) such […]

image March 10

Why I can’t look at The Sun

Okay, now I know it is a little bit easy to point out any grievances with The Sun ‘newspaper‘, being that the only genuine use for it is to blow in the wind during a ‘last man on Earth looking at the ruins of empty London’ movie moment, and I am also well aware that […]

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