Tag Archives: Personal

20140419-234910.jpg April 19

Warning: this card is stupid

Okay, so I have to look at this card at work every day, and I’ve decided to let you guys in on why it pisses me off so much.

20140418-140420.jpg April 18

Obligatory Selfie #462

I’ve officially reached the point where the next time my boss sees me, she is definitely going to realise that I’ve been wearing one of the same two or three outfits to work every single day for the last six months. Lady, I can’t afford new clothes. Maybe I need a raise!

That’ll teach me…

I’ve spent days deliberating over the perfect wording of excellent jokes that turned out to be less successful than this tweet. It was legitimately my water meter reading and I didn’t have a pen. You people are weird.

BODIES

A customer just popped in and, after a bit of mooching around, came over to the counter to pay for a mug. As she did, she smiled and said ‘My husbands going to be so furious. “Just what we need,” he’ll say, “another bloody mug!”’ In response, I laughed and said ‘There are certainly worse […]

17th of March, 2014

My girlfriend was planning on wearing matching underwear for the very first time*. *but then didn’t, because she couldn’t find a black bra

20140317-100420-pm.jpg March 17

Nice try, mirror. Nice fucking try.

20140311-032559-pm.jpg March 11

Never use twitter humour in the company of total strangers, Felix

A customer popped in to work today and, after a bit of mooching around, came over to the counter to pay for a mug. As she did, she smiled and said ‘My husbands going to be so furious. “Just what we need,” he’ll say, “another bloody mug!”‘ In response, I laughed and said ‘There are […]

My Interesting Sunday Afternoon

My tiring work day was drawing to a close. Luckily, as it’s a Sunday, I was set to finish at 3:30. I had no customers in from about 2:45 onwards, so I figured I’d be quick out the door. Fuck that. At literally 2:29, some people came in. They pottered around for a bit, and […]

20140220-042915-pm.jpg February 20

So I bit the bullet and joined Instagram

And I might be worth a follow, if anyone still even uses it! Felix’s Instagram

20140219-195350.jpg February 19

Sorry, Becky… I found someone better

So I was in the Co-op (local grocery shop) and I turned a corner down one of the aisles and there was a girl on her knees, hurriedly picking up all of the tic tac boxes from the tic tac box display case that she had apparently knocked on the floor. I walked near her […]

2-angry-girls February 18

Way to get too comfortable talking to strangers, Felix.

Because you guys always enjoy hearing about me embarrassing myself, right? I was at work yesterday (as I am today, but that isn’t relevant to the story) when an elderly lady and two late-teenaged girls came in; I’ll assume this was a grandmother-grandaughter-grandaughter’s friend type scenario. The elderly lady began wandering around the store looking […]

Happy(ish) Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is a funny holiday because it’s like… everyone hates it, right? And not in the way that divorced kids hate Christmas or native Americans hate Thanksgiving or recovering alcoholics hate St Patrick’s Day. It’s like everyone hates it; whether it’s because they’re single and wish they weren’t, or single and sick of seeing […]

20140211-000736.jpg February 11

Led Zeppelin has just been added to spotify…

… and, as far as I’m concerned, that’s basically better than a ten hundred percent raise for me, because now I can play Zeppelin in the store, and so my job has just gotten exponentially better. I’ve wished that they were on Spotify for so damn long, because it’s the only music system I can […]

‘Hey, so… I know I said I wasn’t mad about that thing you said two weeks ago, but now I’ve had some time to think about it and actually, I totally am.’ – girls

I always wink at pretty girls, except I do it with both eyes, and for six to eight hours, and not at her, but at home in bed, alone.

PhilcUK-1274438506 February 03

The Crime of Religion

Religion has been a primary catalyst of war, genocide, murder, rape, destruction, oppression, segregation, and a million other overlapping offences during its reign over the human race; however, all of these I can forgive of religion, for one simple reason: It’s human nature, we’d do it anyway. The four horsemen of the apocalypse aren’t fictitious, […]

20140201-015431.jpg February 01

This is what six years does to a couple…

Becky: Oh, Fee; I forgot to tell you… Me: Aww, someone died? Becky: I – uh, what? Wait, why do you ask? Me: Who was it? Becky: How did you know!? Me: Becky, it’s been six years. I know your ‘someone died’ voice. Becky: Wait, no. Did I already – how did you – are […]

20140131-042452-pm.jpg January 31

Because apparently I look like a fetching 90s stereotype lesbian when I wake up in the morning…

Customer-Service-Call-Center January 24

A Suicide Hotline Sketch

Because who says that suicide isn’t a good topic for light-hearted sketch comedy?

20140121-223320.jpg January 21

Why I Hate The Red Hot Chili Peppers: A Tale Of Woe From My Grim Adolescence

There are a lot of reasons why I should hate them, I’ll be honest. Like their neighbours in the land of rock-that-clearly-isn’t-actually-rock music, Coldplay, the Chili Peppers are one of those bands so devoid of personality, that it takes a not-unsubstantial portion of my energy just to hear someone say their name. It’s one of […]

I’ve not been posting much lately…

… but I am still alive, don’t worry. Not that you were worried; in fact, I assume that as you all celebrated your Christmases and New Year’s Eveses, you were probably kept warm and snugly by the assumption that I wasn’t dead, and was simply having too much fun and excitement to get around to […]

20131105-023107.jpg November 05

Self-indulgent Selfie

Pigeon November 04

Pigeon Problems

I was at work the other day and, being a particularly Dickensian shade of autumn, I kept having to deal with pigeons walking into the store while I had to, like, herd them out without looking like a total idiot in front of customers. Eventually, one of them came really far in, and I looked […]

20131030-201358.jpg October 30

I have blue eyes now

‘For Halloween?’ you ask. Nope, just because I got bored of having boring brown eyes and decided to get me some weird blue contacts. I was hoping they would look natural, and not ‘I’m either a vampire or a guy with stupid contact lenses in’, but oh well. It’s creepy as shit putting stuff in […]

I attached another key to my key ring and now it takes me an extra forty-six minutes to get into my house.

spidey October 01

The time I made friends with Spider-Man

So I was at work yesterday when a young kid came in with his father. He was probably about eight years old, I guess (I’m pretty terrible at estimating kids’ ages), and was dressed from head to toe in a full body Spider-Man suit. Anyway, father and son began wandering the store; the dad was […]

This is a legitimate text conversation I just had with my mother

Me: Yes, mother? Mum: I didn’t text you, so what does ‘yes, mother’ mean? Mind you, it’s always nice to hear from you. Me: I had a missed call from you earlier. Was that not you? My phone says it was you, and my phone never lies, mother. Mum: I didn’t call, and I certainly […]

Here’s something weird that my manager recently said to me…

Manager (female): I’ve put the new girl on the bar with you tonight, so no distracting her. Me: What do you mean ‘distracting’? Manager: You just… have a way of distracting the female staff. Me: Do I? Manager: You do. Me: How? Manager: You just… do. So don’t. Me: Well, how can I not do […]

Reasons I shouldn’t talk to humans #684

Co-worker: I think I’ll just stick a glass of wine for myself on table 34′s tab. Me: Well, that’s not very nice. Co-worker: It’s fine, they’ll never know. Me: And an old man with severe Alzheimer’s wouldn’t know who his grandkids were; but that doesn’t mean I should murder them.

‘Hello!’ – Yurgen

I was moving around some boxes in the shop storeroom out back when I heard a faint ‘hello’. I came round to the front of the store and saw, already leaving, a uniformed police officer. This is what he said: ‘Hello! Sorry, don’t mind me, I’m just saying “hello”. I’m Yurgen. It’s what I do. […]

Foetus for lunch, anyone?

I’m super sick, you guys. All flu-ey and shit. Anyway, I emerged from my bed/hovel to get some food, knowing that I’m not well enough to leave the house to buy any (even though I still have to go to work in a couple of hours), and managed to find three eggs. That’s all. Literally, […]

20140117-212330.jpg July 14

I’m getting this out of the way. Becky and I did some modelling. See it. Deal with it. Move on.

We did some photo-shoots recently as a favour to a friend who runs a photography studio and needed someone for a class to take pictures of. We begged for it not to be too lame and ‘Now stare into each others eyes…‘-ish, but luckily it wasn’t too bad. So, without much further delay (notice that […]

‘Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,’ said my ears.

Me: Hey, severe tinnitus. How’re you tonight? Ringing ears: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, thaaaaaaaaaaaanks. Me: Good, that’s good. You, uh… You seem awfully… loud. Ringing ears: Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah, I guuuuuueeeeeesssss. Me: Well, yeah… It’s just that I was kind of planning on getting some sleep, like, in the near future. Like, maybe now-ish? Ringing ears: Reeeeeeaaaaallyyyyyyyy? Me: Ugh, uh, […]

I’m sick of people thinking that I’m cooler than I actually am.

I know, right? Sounds weird? It’s true. I think it’s the hair and the necklaces or whatever, but at least once a shift when I’m working on the bar, someone will say ‘Hey, man! Are you in a band? You look like you’re in band! I bet you’re in a band!’, and I have to […]

20140115-233806.jpg July 05

Because we’re adorable.

That’s why.

Apparently I’m ‘lovely’ and have ‘a wonderful smile’.

This is what a pretty girl told me yesterday. She was at the bar and may, or may not, have been drunk; or maybe she was just half-drunk. Either way, I still got it, bitches. I like this size for a text post. Everyone happy with a short punchy paragraph? I should do this more […]

Felix’s Jeans: In Memoriam

Well, there you go. Times are officially tough. These are the only trousers I have that fit me, other than my black work trousers, and they now have a big rip in the knee. Not a ‘I bought it that way because I’m all anti-establishment and “who says jeans should be in-tact anyway” and stuff’ […]

Customer Service

A lady came up to the counter in the shop I’m working at today. I was having a sip from my water bottle as she approached, and I didn’t see her in front of me, my head being tilted back. As I leaned forward again, I saw her there and, for some reason, tried saying […]

20130530-020550 May 30

The lamest picture of me and my girlfriend ever taken

‘Give her a quick kiss,’ they said. ‘We won’t make the pictures look really cheesy and stupid,’ they said.

How not to speak to your manager

Michelle: Where are these drinks going? Me: They’re going to… oh, your favourite table. Number 69. Michelle: Uh, no that’s not actually my favourite. Me: In terms of table numbers, it probably is. It’s not like we have a ‘table anal’.

I’m leaving clues to fool my girlfriend into thinking I’m cheating on her, so as to distract her from the real secret of finding out how much junk food I’ve been eating lately.

Upon telling my girlfriend that I’d gotten her a present:

Becky: What is it? Me: I’m not telling you. Becky: Socks? Me: No. Becky: A book? I hope it’s not a book. I don’t like books. Me: It’s not a book. Becky: A fake hand for when I lose mine? Me: No. Becky: Plastic apple pie? Me: Nope. Becky: A wig for when you stress […]

Reasons why I don’t have any friends at work #497

Co-worker: I really like the song that’s playing at the moment. Who sings it? Me: *sigh* I don’t know, some tedious douchebag with an acoustic guitar and no sense of originality.

image May 10

Put a waistcoat on a clown and watch him become an ‘eccentric’.

People Are Strange

*Drunk Guy wanders up to me in the bar* Drunk Guy: Hey you, buddy; what’s your name? Me: Uhh… It’s Felix.

My girlfriend, everyone.

Becky: I want to draw a Tyrannosaurus rex trying to make a bed. Me: … … … Becky: I need a pen! Me: You are the most crazy. Becky: I’m having thoughts!

I reach out to shake your hand, you reach up to high five me; we end up doing a nine hour interpretive dance about the inherent discomfort of social interaction.

Yet another reason I shouldn’t talk to people

Me: Good morning, miss. Customer: Hey there, good morning. I was just wondering if you had any of those little, white bags. I usually buy a couple each week for my shop. Me: Oh, actually, no, I don’t! We ran out of them, so I only have the black ones. Customer: Oh, right. Well they […]

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, still shame on me. Fool me nine times and it’s like come on, bro. We’ve established that I’m an idiot. There’s no need to be such a dick about it.

I spoke to a human!

Is it bad that I always get excited and proud of myself after any successful human interaction that wasn’t mandated by my employers? I was at the swimming pool yesterday, heading over to the showers, and I saw a guy sweeping the excess water towards a drain. He had nice shoes on. I said ‘Your […]

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