So it was just after four in the morning and I was getting a little bit bored waiting to fall asleep, so I started listening to music on my headphones. After a little while, Stevie Wonder’s ‘Superstition’ came on. Now I don’t ever, ever dance; but I defy anyone to not get so much as a wiggle when that song comes on. The problem however, was that I didn’t realise I was wiggling a bit, and suddenly my girlfriend woke up and thought that I was lying next to her, while she was fast asleep, masturbating.

Yeah. Awkward moment. It actually involved me having to uncomfortably blurt out the words “Look, see? It’s totally flaccid.” before she dropped her head down onto her pillow and immediately went back to sleep.

This will be one of those lovely moments we may one day share with our children.