Tag Archives: Joke

My cat’s scratching at my bedroom door and I’m holding my breath so he doesn’t know I’m in here. I’M A PRISONER IN MY OWN GOD DAMN HOME.

Recently attended an afternoon tea party with two hundred white people, and Coolio’s ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ was the first song to blare out over the sound system.

That’ll teach me…

I’ve spent days deliberating over the perfect wording of excellent jokes that turned out to be less successful than this tweet. It was legitimately my water meter reading and I didn’t have a pen. You people are weird.

BODIES

A customer just popped in and, after a bit of mooching around, came over to the counter to pay for a mug. As she did, she smiled and said ‘My husbands going to be so furious. “Just what we need,” he’ll say, “another bloody mug!”’ In response, I laughed and said ‘There are certainly worse […]

Girl, you’re so pretty like a painting; I just want to sit in front of you and discuss what your parents were trying to convey when they created you.

I’m giving up listening to people telling me what they’re giving up for lent for lent.

You gaze out the window and begin tediously referring to yourself in the second person.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 has a severe anxiety disorder. He’s actually scared of all the other numbers; I don’t know why I specifically mentioned 7.

Age is just a number; kind of like how ‘Eww, that’s gross. What’s wrong with you, you creepy fucking pervert?’ is just a sentence.

20140214-121827.jpg February 14

When Becky makes me a hot drink, she only fills the mug about two thirds of the way up…

… and when this flailing relationship comes to an abrupt, but inevitable, end, I can guarantee you, that this will have been a factor. (also, she never stirs in the sugar so it just sits in the bottom like sludge, but I’ll let that go for now because it’s hot chocolate, so there’s no sugar […]

20140212-185950.jpg February 12

Cheese Things

Becky dragged me to the supermarket cheese counter today in an effort to find the half-remembered cheese of yesteryear that she didn’t hate, and the lady at the counter decided to let us try literally every cheese she could think of. This taught me two important things. 1. Becky is quite picky when it comes […]

‘I got really bad carpet burn last night,’ and other sentences that seem inherently sexual but aren’t necessarily.

Häagen‑Dazs: because men are assholes.

20140211-114852-am.jpg February 11

Texting Charlie – Part One

Me: Have you heard from Matt recently? Sophie just called me saying that he sounded upset about something when she spoke to him. Charlie: Are you sure? You know what Sophie’s like. Besides, Matt’s with his girlfriend. Maybe that was just his ‘I very recently had sex’ voice? You know the one I mean? Me: I […]

‘Hey, so… I know I said I wasn’t mad about that thing you said two weeks ago, but now I’ve had some time to think about it and actually, I totally am.’ – girls

If you find someone who makes you laugh, you should marry them; not that making you laugh is particularly special, but you’re not getting any younger and it beats dying alone.

20140208-070451-pm.jpg February 08

The Bearschwitz Teddicide

Because apparently this shop keeper thought that a window display depicting a gallows gallery of hanging teddy bears would be an appropriate way to advertise her stock. P.S. I know. The title. I’m sorry. If you can think of a better teddy bear / genocide pun or portmanteau, please leave a comment!

‘Why are you other guys even here, I obviously don’t need you,’ said the q to the other letters in the word ‘queue’.

I spilled some Red Bull on a plug socket, but instead of making everything work super efficiently, it just shorted out the whole building.

doctor-patient-bed-600 February 05

‘Doctor, Doctor; this isn’t a joke!’

A man walks into a Doctor’s office. These never end well, do they?

I always wink at pretty girls, except I do it with both eyes, and for six to eight hours, and not at her, but at home in bed, alone.

My girlfriend’s playing a Wii dance game next door and it sounds like a buffalo falling down a staircase and if she reads this I’m dead.

‘We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a six second Vine of a pigeon stealing a man’s hat.’

Three minutes into having to watch the movie Bratz with my girlfriend’s young sisters I’m like, ‘Oh, so this is why kids behave like shitty little fuck-heads nowadays.’

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, because it’s a dick move and it’s not like you can hide I CAN SEE YOU BEHIND THE SOFA, BRO.

20140108-073954-pm.jpg January 08

Mmmmm… poverty

‘Why are you other guys even here, I obviously don’t need you,’ said the q to the other letters in the word ‘queue’.

‘This town ain’t big enough for the both of us,’ we hear as the camera zooms out to reveal two grown men, precariously balancing on a single patch of sidewalk in the middle of an empty field.

I attached another key to my key ring and now it takes me an extra forty-six minutes to get into my house.

20130909-151036.jpg September 09

A white businessman meets a black businessman…

The white businessman goes in for a black handshake; the black businessman goes in for a normal handshake. The world holds its breath. Everyone stands in silence, waiting to see what’ll happen. … … THEY LAUGH AND FIST BUMP. RACISM IS OVER. EVERYONE CHEERS AND RUNS INTO THE STREETS. NELSON MANDELA SILENTLY WIPES A TEAR […]

20130814-014954-AM.jpg August 14

Aisle 6: Getting shit-faced with ghosts.

Reasons I shouldn’t talk to humans #684

Co-worker: I think I’ll just stick a glass of wine for myself on table 34’s tab. Me: Well, that’s not very nice. Co-worker: It’s fine, they’ll never know. Me: And an old man with severe Alzheimer’s wouldn’t know who his grandkids were; but that doesn’t mean I should murder them.

I’m leaving clues to fool my girlfriend into thinking I’m cheating on her, so as to distract her from the real secret of finding out how much junk food I’ve been eating lately.

I reach out to shake your hand, you reach up to high five me; we end up doing a nine hour interpretive dance about the inherent discomfort of social interaction.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, still shame on me. Fool me nine times and it’s like come on, bro. We’ve established that I’m an idiot. There’s no need to be such a dick about it.

They say ‘the devil makes work for idle hands’, so I keep mine busy with masturbation, shot pouring, gambling, and fingering hookers.

Courtship in the 1300s

After months of waiting in the lonely mire of medieval England, the elated young Duke finally received word from his distant beloved. A letter; a reply, no doubt, to the words he’d sent out many moons before, delivered via carrier pigeon. He opened it with haste. ‘Mmm… then what, baby?’

What to do if another man strikes up a conversation at the urinal: Step One: Piss on his leg. Step Two: Improvise.

Being asked if you were asleep when someone calls is like being asked if you did it when you’re standing near a murder scene.

Watching my girlfriend drop her phone onto her face as she falls asleep while texting is the most fun I can possibly have in bed.

‘When did putting animal skulls on our heads stop being cool?’ said a guy at a party with an animal skull on his head.

I found some eggs that didn’t have a mother bird, so I decided to lovingly incubate them all together in a nice, warm frying pan.

He lit up a cigarette and nodded his head towards one of the fairground games. ‘Hey, you see that whack-a-mole?’ he sneered at no one in particular, exhaling a cloud of thick smoke; ‘I hit that.’

Guys! Guys! Santa came last night! Although now Mrs Claus is FREAKING OUT because he wasn’t wearing a condom and she forgot to take her pill, and her parents are catholic.

Circus Auditions

‘All right, so who’s this clown?’ ‘His name is Pogo, sir.’ ‘And how about that joker?’ ‘Uh, I think he’s called Honkers, sir.’ ‘And what about that other bozo?’ ‘He’s actually called Bozo, sir.’ ‘He’s hired.’

I sometimes like to pretend that underneath the Pope’s hat sits a tiny barn owl that’s been trained to tickle him behind his ears all day.

‘Hey, buddy. I know you’re trying to sleep; but I just wanted to quickly mention a couple million things to you first.’

- my brain

‘Et tu, Brute?’ said Caesar, watching his old friend as he greedily eyed up the last chicken drumstick on the grill.

Illegitimate Piracy

Me: You are so not even a real pirate, are you! Somalian Pirate: I so am! Me: Oh, yeah? Quick. What’s your pirate name? Somalian Pirate: I… uhh… Adam? Me: HA! I rest my case. Somalian Pirate: Little man. I kill you now. Me: Yeah? What’re you gonna do, Captain No-beard? Stab me with your […]

Okay, drunk girls on karaoke nights. We get that it’s really fucking difficult to impress Shania Twain.

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