Tag Archives: Humour
Upon telling my girlfriend that I’d gotten her a present:
Becky: What is it?
Me: I’m not telling you.
Becky: Socks?
Me: No.
Becky: A book? I hope it’s not a book. I don’t like books.
Me: It’s not a book.
Becky: A fake hand for when I lose mine?
Me: No.
Becky: Plastic apple pie?
Me: Nope.
Becky: A wig for when you stress me out so much I get alopecia?
Me: It’ll be here in a couple of days, just wait.
Becky: Dentures for when I lose my teeth?
Me: No.
Becky: Stick on nipples to make me look like a freak?
Me: Nu-uh.
Becky: Elephant foot shoes to make really suspicious footprints?
Me: N… No?
Becky: A teacup for my invisible friend who isn’t talking to me at the moment?
Me: Okay, yes. That one. Why not.
Reasons why I don’t have any friends at work #497
Co-worker: I really like the song that’s playing at the moment. Who sings it?
Me: *sigh* I don’t know, some tedious douchebag with an acoustic guitar and no sense of originality.
Put a waistcoat on a clown and watch him become an ‘eccentric’.
Today I realised that my day becomes a lot funnier if I picture my boss as a Dalek from Doctor Who when he starts yelling at me.
Boss: HAVE YOU COMPLETED YOUR TASK OF CLEANING OUT THE STOCK ROOM?
Me: Oh, sorry… I got sidetracked with the -
Boss: I COMMANDED YOU TO CLEAN OUT THE STOCK ROOM. YOU HAVE NOT DONE AS I COMMANDED. YOU MUST OBEY. OBEY. OBEY.
Me: I, okay – I will, I just have to -
Boss: YOU HAVE NOT DONE AS I COMMANDED. YOU MUST OBEY. OBEY. OBEY.
Me: I was busy counting the money in the tip jar!
Boss: THAT IS THE WORK OF THE ASSISTANT MANAGER. YOU ARE NOT THE ASSISTANT MANAGER.
Me: Okay, I’ll do it in a second, but I’m just in the middle of -
Boss: YOU DEFY ME ONCE MORE. I MUST EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINAAAATE.
Me: Uh, okay… I’m fired, right? Is that what that means?
Boss: EXTERMINAAAATE.
People Are Strange
*Drunk Guy wanders up to me in the bar*
Drunk Guy: Hey you, buddy; what’s your name?
Me: Uhh… It’s Felix.
Continue reading
My girlfriend, everyone.
Becky: I want to draw a Tyrannosaurus rex trying to make a bed.
Me: … … …
Becky: I need a pen!
Me: You are the most crazy.
Becky: I’m having thoughts!
I reach out to shake your hand, you reach up to high five me; we end up doing a nine hour interpretive dance about the inherent discomfort of social interaction.
Conversations with Ian – An idiot’s guide to the gist of The Second World War
Felix: Okay, starting in 1939, take me through the history of The Second World War.
Ian: ’39 to ’45?
Felix: Uh, yeah. Well done.
Ian: Okay, right. Once upon a time…
Felix: Great start.
Ian: Once upon a time, there was this guy called Adolf Hitler. Got his ass whooped by some English people. Prior to that he was just a young guy growing up thinking ‘How can I conquer the world‘. Who put that seed into his head? Who knows. Uncle? Godfather? Whatever. Anyway, he got his posse of German friends together.
Felix: Haha, right. This is already utterly bewildering, but okay. Then what?
Yet another reason I shouldn’t talk to people
Me: Good morning, miss.
Customer: Hey there, good morning. I was just wondering if you had any of those little, white bags. I usually buy a couple each week for my shop.
Me: Oh, actually, no, I don’t! We ran out of them, so I only have the black ones.
Customer: Oh, right. Well they look fine. I suppose I could go black for a week.
Me: Ae you sure? I hear that afterwards you might not be able to go back!
Customer: Oh? Why’s that?
Me: Never mind (nervous laugh), it’s just a… phrase.
Customer: What… What phrase is that?
Me: Uhh… you know… ‘Once you go black…’
Customer: Oh, right; yes. Well… I don’t think it applies to bags.
Me: No… probably not…
