Tag Archives: Humour

IMG_3066 February 22

Some Damn Good Twittering

So, I’ve finally decided to get back into twitter after a while of not really enjoying it the way I should be. Like any social media platform, you can eventually forget why you started using it in the first place, and allow it to become a chore; but there are a few simple solutions that […]


Siri, what am I ever, ever talking about?

My girlfriend just turned on Siri and said ‘Convert 9 stone…’ and then looked at me and said ‘… into what?’ There was no preliminary for this exchange. We were silently watching The X-Files. This is a pretty strong microcosm of what it’s like to live with her.

You can lead a horse to water. Although, only if you want to. It’s a weird fucking use of your time. He’ll drink when he’s thirsty. Relax.

IMG_9689 February 11

Some Arbitrary Snow Photos

It snowed here a little while ago. I took some photos, because why not. I’ve become one of those Instagram assholes. It’s why my food is always cold. I digress. Here’s some white stuff to look at. Hey, snow. Bit late for a white Christmas, you lazy asshole. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) […]

IMG_2989 January 17

The Dumbest Sentence in Movie History

Okay, I’m a little late for this one, but it’s been eating me up inside since I reluctantly saw the movie on a plane last month. 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: a film that tries desperately to convince us that it isn’t a Michael Bay film, all the while trying desperately to emulate a Michael […]

IMG_9244 January 17

Breakfast of Champions

Because I’m being super healthy this morning.

She’s all like ‘I wanna be the little spoon; you can be the big spoon,’ and I’m like ‘Bitch, they’re the same size, that’s why they fit.’

When life gives you lemons, maybe you ought to show a little appreciation for the free fucking lemons this time.

My eyes aren’t very good with distances, so I have to wear glasses to make sure I don’t bump into things that are very far away.

Nice poem. Sorry for unfollowing you so hard I cracked my iPhone screen.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re watching porn and they don’t make a big deal about suddenly swapping to anal. It’s like ‘hey guys, maybe I like the planning stage.’

My suicide note will just be a list of all the things that have gone wrong in my life, abruptly ending in the marks of a snapped pencil tip.

Weird up your sex life by pretending your partner is a yoga mat.

I accidentally sent a dick picture to my cousin, which is so super awkward because we were still just in the ‘topless photos’ phase.

I miss the good old days when ‘macing an attacker’ involved wielding a giant bladed club.

It’s weird. It took me years to learn French, and yet you go to France and even the children can speak it fluently. I mean, where did they find the time?

Consider how hilarious it is that we, as the most intellectually evolved species on the planet, are constantly spilling food on ourselves.

IMG_5749.JPG November 01


Upon a recent afternoon at work, I had a group of three middle-aged ladies enter the store and begin pawing through some of the quant gadgets and objets d’art that we have littered across the shelve. After a short while, one of the ladies happened upon a jigsaw puzzle that we sell that, when assembled, […]

It’s funny that they’re called ‘Nickelback’, seeing as that’s the kind of refund you can expect after inadvertently purchasing one of their albums.

IMG_3597.JPG October 21

Did you guys know that we look awesome?

I assume you do, but just in case, here are a couple of pictures of Rebecca and me looking ludicrously amazing at a recent wedding that we attended. Generic picture of me being awesome – #DanielAndMolly. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Sep 23, 2014 at 11:13am PDT Generic picture of Becky being […]

IMG_5473.JPG October 21

My new favourite person

As I slaved away at work today, a chap came in with a look of neutered interest, and began half-glancing at a few of the cards we had on the stands. ‘Let me know if you need a hand with anything,’ I said, met with a half-smile from him. He told me he had an […]

IMG_3638.JPG September 25

First Class Fraud

I’d spent the day in hospital at my ladyfriend’s bedside, but had to leave to catch the last train home. As I reached the platform, it pulled up and I realised that I was stood next to the ‘First Class’ carriage. I stared down the platform for a moment, to wonder if I could even […]

IMG_2721-0.JPG September 07

I’ve finally settled on which glasses to buy…

Because I can’t pull off ‘legitimately cool’, but I can totally pull off ‘quirky, pretentious idiot who probably finds it therapeutic to count things’. I dare say, I may have finally settled on which glasses to buy. I can't pull off 'cool', but I can totally pull off 'quirky, pretentious douche who probably finds it […]

Screen Shot 2014-08-26 at 11.26.36 August 26

Waiting in this clothes shop while Becky tries stuff on…

Fortunately, the girls on the shop posters are doling out free handjobs. Waiting in this clothes shop while Becky tries stuff on. Fortunately, the girls on the shop posters are doling out free handjobs. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Aug 19, 2014 at 8:43am PDT

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in, he’d made his costume himself. It was a Pilates class. He immediately realised his mistake.

Screen Shot 2014-08-26 at 11.43.46 August 26

I got an underwater phone case for my birthday!

Basically, it’s so that I can listen to music while I swim, because I kind of want to be slightly less in-terrible-shape than I currently am, so I’m going to try to exercise a little more (and I’m secretly getting away with free swimming pool membership at a place nearby, because they think I still work for the […]

20140803-205046-75046764.jpg August 03

Can someone come and get this dog?

His presence out of my window is making me depressed. Can someone come and get this dog? His presence out of my window is making me depressed. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Aug 2, 2014 at 3:09am PDT

20140727-182822-66502265.jpg July 27

God damn it, Google.

So my friend Charlie and I were discussing those Google App commercials where Google basically pretends that no one has even heard of Siri over the last couple of years, and makes out that asking your phone questions is still super amazing. The annoying thing, however, is that in the commercials, Google doesn’t seem to […]

20140724-154838-56918015.jpg July 24

Keep it together, officer…

Here’s an unusual encounter that befell me yesterday. I was at work, quite quiet, very hot, when in walked a fully uniformed policeman. They occasionally make the rounds in my area, popping in just to say hello and reinforce their presence. This chap, however, was a little more memorable than many of his predecessors.

20140722-190923-68963197.jpg July 22

So, I got asked out today…

… and it was agonisingly awkward. There was a girl in my shop with (presumably) her parents. She was maybe 18-24, I’m useless with guessing ages, and had bright blue hair (and for the record, I am quite a fan of bright, dyed hair). Anyway, she sort of shot me a few smiles, and I […]

20140721-233321-84801368.jpg July 21

Like my mother always says:

‘If you put on a tie, no one will notice the giant, gross, dark bags under your sad, tired eyes.’ Like my mother always said: 'Put on a tie, and no one will notice the giant, gross, dark bags under your sad, tired eyes.' A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Jul 20, 2014 […]

20140721-230906-83346076.jpg July 21

‘Oh my god, I am just SO sarcastic!’

I hate people constantly over-describing themselves as ‘sarcastic’, as if it’s one of their main character traits. ‘Hi, I’m Felix. I’m 6’2″, dark-haired, sarcastic.’ You can’t just be sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic when you call yourself sarcastic, because you can’t identify your entire being as ‘sarcastic’ if what you mean is ‘I often, but […]

20140720-233526-84926529.jpg July 20

See, I can do artsy, pretentious photography too…

Well, you know… sometimes. If I just happen to be sitting by the lake with my ladyfriend when the sun decides to glare off of my camera like a monochromatic, upside down rainbow. Also, I feel like I should work the word ‘dappled’ into this somehow. Hipsters love the word ‘dappled’. Little Lady of The […]

20140719-184437-67477062.jpg July 19

Dialogue you’ll never hear in a movie

*phone rings* Bad guy: Are we finally ready to negotiate? Good guy: Look, god, I’ll bring you the damn money, just please don’t hurt my family, please. Bad guy: Very well. You have 8 hours. Good guy: I, uh… 8 hours? Dude, it’s like a 10 hour drive just to get to you. Bad guy: […]

My cat’s scratching at my bedroom door and I’m holding my breath so he doesn’t know I’m in here. I’M A PRISONER IN MY OWN GOD DAMN HOME.

Recently attended an afternoon tea party with two hundred white people, and Coolio’s ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ was the first song to blare out over the sound system.

20140716-230259-82979360.jpg July 16

If elevator music was impregnanted by call waiting music…

Sadly, the music playing license at the shop in which I work has expired without renewal, and so gone are the days of the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, and a myriad of other brilliant and accomplished artists, and here to stay are the days of free, unlicensed noise fodder from the internet, literally […]

20140714-002321-1401928.jpg July 13

Bedtime Battles

My ladyfriend and I have occasionally been listening to the soundtrack to Child of Light (a fantastic, artistic playstation RPG) when we go to bed, as it has some delightful and whimsical piano-centred melodies that help me in the whole going to sleep business that I seem to be so unskilled at. The significant downside […]

20140714-000401-241113.jpg July 13

Remember your place, tiny Lego duck family…

I created you, AND I CAN DESTROY YOU. Remember your place, tiny lego duck family. I created you, AND I CAN DETROY YOU. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Jul 12, 2014 at 6:08am PDT

20140708-111614-am-40574079.jpg July 08

Photo Photo?

A typical day at work (a typically quiet day at work) was interrupted earlier when an adorable Chinese couple came in to my store for a little look around. They perused the stock for a short while, before the young lady glanced over at me and began whispering to her male companion (which immediately made […]

Fitness Regimen

I’m off and alone today so I’m being all super excercisey and doing loads of super exercise and the second I’m done, I’m going to open up a cherry coke and stick my stuffed crust pizza in the oven. I’m not doing this right, am I? Am I? Maybe I am. Fuck, I love pizza. […]

20140514-095409.jpg May 14

So, I had this dream last night…

I know, I know. Telling us about a dream you had? You *must* be out of ideas. Well, the absence of posts in the last couple of months probably could have told you that, but hey, it was a pretty good dream, so just shut up and read. You know how in Tekken/Mortal Kombat style […]

Screen Shot 2014-04-01 at 15.44.38 April 26

Cray-ders of The Lost Ark

I know, right? Shitty title. It’s fine whatever. It’ll make sense. A family just came into my store: momma, dadda, baby (probably about 2 years old, I don’t know kid ages. Is a two year old still technically even a baby?). I spoke to the parents about clocks for a short while, before the little […]

20140419-234910.jpg April 19

Warning: this card is stupid

Okay, so I have to look at this card at work every day, and I’ve decided to let you guys in on why it pisses me off so much.

20140418-141045.jpg April 18

Are you serious with that spelling, you guys?

6 and 7 down. I know, right? Dude, 6 and 7 down; are you guys serious with that spelling? A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Apr 17, 2014 at 3:44pm PDT

20140418-140420.jpg April 18

Obligatory Selfie #462

I’ve officially reached the point where the next time my boss sees me, she is definitely going to realise that I’ve been wearing one of the same two or three outfits to work every single day for the last six months. Lady, I can’t afford new clothes. Maybe I need a raise! OBLIGATORY SELFIE. A […]

20140418-135759.jpg April 18

So there’s a bit in The Dark Knight…

… where The Joker walks into Harvey Dent’s hospital room dressed as a nurse, and even though he’s a 6 foot guy with hairy arms, a broad chest, a white painted face, and tons of black make up around his eyes, Harvey doesn’t recognise him until he removes the only-covering-his-mouth face mask. Okay. That just […]

20140404-034547-am.jpg April 04

Apparently tonight’s hairstyle has settled upon ‘anime super-villain’.

Apparently tonight's hairstyle has settled upon 'anime super-villain'. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Apr 3, 2014 at 7:40pm PDT

20140401-083349-pm.jpg April 01

Man, this cat is a dick to plastic bags.

Man, this cat is a dick to plastic bags. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Apr 1, 2014 at 12:31pm PDT

That’ll teach me…

I’ve spent days deliberating over the perfect wording of excellent jokes that turned out to be less successful than this tweet. It was legitimately my water meter reading and I didn’t have a pen. You people are weird.


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