A lady came up to the counter in the shop I’m working at today. I was having a sip from my water bottle as she approached, and I didn’t see her in front of me, my head being tilted back. As I leaned forward again, I saw her there and, for some reason, tried saying ‘how can I help you’ before taking the time to swallow my mouth full of water. The result of this was, of course, that I gurgled some Aquaman language (‘Atlantean’, if you want to get snippy) and drooled down my chin. Coupled with the fact that I was spinning on my swivel chair at the time, I can think of no better way to look as though I suffer from a severe learning difficulty than what I just did to a shocked, but oddly polite, customer.
So there’s this guy called Hamlet, and he’s pretty hot.
His uncle is trying to bang his mum, or whatever.
His dad got killed and he’s all super upset about it and does loads of sexy brooding and stuff and talking to himself, which is totally crazy, but also kinda hot.
He has some cute friends with Jewishey names.
There’s a bit about a pirate ship (pirates are gross).
His girlfriend is totally crazy (like Lindsey Lohan crazy), but she’s pretty hot too so Hamlet is cool with it.
Her brother is kinda hot, but he’s also, like, a total mega-huge douchebag and is, like, really mad at Hamlet.
At the end, pretty much everybody dies, except maybe Hamlet’s BFF or something, who is also hot.
Also, Hamlet has a pet chihuahua.
Michelle: Where are these drinks going?
Me: They’re going to… oh, your favourite table. Number 69.
Michelle: Uh, no that’s not actually my favourite.
Me: In terms of table numbers, it probably is. It’s not like we have a ‘table anal’.
It didn’t go down well…
I just want to start by saying NOBODY DIED. NO ONE IS DEAD. EVERYONE IS OKAY.
Now, I was checking Facebook (because I’m meant to be packing for holiday and I needed something to help me avoid it) and I found a link that said R.I.P. [girl’s name]. I was intrigued (okay, amused) by the quastionably ‘posey’ photo that had been selected as the group photo, so I clicked onto it. It was a memorial page for a girl who had died a few days before. Now, being something of a stickler for grammar (and also, a heartless piece of shit), I started laughing to myself at some of the grammatical and spelling errors that were in the condolence comments.
Okay, when I say laughing to myself… I mean I was howling like The Joker and crying like… someone with a dead dog, I don’t know. Either way, I was laughing my fucking head off. Now, I later found out that the page was a fake, so don’t hate me too much… Although I didn’t know it was a fake when I was already laughing, so hate me a bit. Anyway, since it was, for some reason, a fake, I can share with you a short list of half quotes, and half points of interest, without earning too much derision… I hope.
I have a secret dream in life, that I hold close to my heart. I’m prepared to reveal it to you, dear friends, because I trust you, and love you.
This is my dream…