Tag Archives: Humor

When life gives you lemons, maybe you ought to show a little appreciation for the free fucking lemons this time.

My eyes aren’t very good with distances, so I have to wear glasses to make sure I don’t bump into things that are very far away.

Nice poem. Sorry for unfollowing you so hard I cracked my iPhone screen.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re watching porn and they don’t make a big deal about suddenly swapping to anal. It’s like ‘hey guys, maybe I like the planning stage.’

My suicide note will just be a list of all the things that have gone wrong in my life, abruptly ending in the marks of a snapped pencil tip.

Weird up your sex life by pretending your partner is a yoga mat.

I accidentally sent a dick picture to my cousin, which is so super awkward because we were still just in the ‘topless photos’ phase.

I miss the good old days when ‘macing an attacker’ involved wielding a giant bladed club.

It’s weird. It took me years to learn French, and yet you go to France and even the children can speak it fluently. I mean, where did they find the time?

Consider how hilarious it is that we, as the most intellectually evolved species on the planet, are constantly spilling food on ourselves.

IMG_5749.JPG November 01

Ignoramium

Upon a recent afternoon at work, I had a group of three middle-aged ladies enter the store and begin pawing through some of the quant gadgets and objets d’art that we have littered across the shelve. After a short while, one of the ladies happened upon a jigsaw puzzle that we sell that, when assembled, […]

It’s funny that they’re called ‘Nickelback’, seeing as that’s the kind of refund you can expect after inadvertently purchasing one of their albums.

IMG_3597.JPG October 21

Did you guys know that we look awesome?

I assume you do, but just in case, here are a couple of pictures of Rebecca and me looking ludicrously amazing at a recent wedding that we attended. Generic picture of me being awesome – #DanielAndMolly. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Sep 9, 2014 at 11:13am PDT Generic picture of Becky being […]

IMG_3638.JPG September 25

First Class Fraud

I’d spent the day in hospital at my ladyfriend’s bedside, but had to leave to catch the last train home. As I reached the platform, it pulled up and I realised that I was stood next to the ‘First Class’ carriage. I stared down the platform for a moment, to wonder if I could even […]

20140803-205046-75046764.jpg August 03

Can someone come and get this dog?

His presence out of my window is making me depressed. Can someone come and get this dog? His presence out of my window is making me depressed. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Aug 8, 2014 at 3:09am PDT

20140727-182822-66502265.jpg July 27

God damn it, Google.

So my friend Charlie and I were discussing those Google App commercials where Google basically pretends that no one has even heard of Siri over the last couple of years, and makes out that asking your phone questions is still super amazing. The annoying thing, however, is that in the commercials, Google doesn’t seem to […]

20140722-190923-68963197.jpg July 22

So, I got asked out today…

… and it was agonisingly awkward. There was a girl in my shop with (presumably) her parents. She was maybe 18-24, I’m useless with guessing ages, and had bright blue hair (and for the record, I am quite a fan of bright, dyed hair). Anyway, she sort of shot me a few smiles, and I […]

20140721-233321-84801368.jpg July 21

Like my mother always says:

‘If you put on a tie, no one will notice the giant, gross, dark bags under your sad, tired eyes.’ Like my mother always said: 'Put on a tie, and no one will notice the giant, gross, dark bags under your sad, tired eyes.' A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Jul 7, 2014 […]

20140721-230906-83346076.jpg July 21

‘Oh my god, I am just SO sarcastic!’

I hate people constantly over-describing themselves as ‘sarcastic’, as if it’s one of their main character traits. ‘Hi, I’m Felix. I’m 6’2″, dark-haired, sarcastic.’ You can’t just be sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic when you call yourself sarcastic, because you can’t identify your entire being as ‘sarcastic’ if what you mean is ‘I often, but […]

20140720-233526-84926529.jpg July 20

See, I can do artsy, pretentious photography too…

Well, you know… sometimes. If I just happen to be sitting by the lake with my ladyfriend when the sun decides to glare off of my camera like a monochromatic, upside down rainbow. Also, I feel like I should work the word ‘dappled’ into this somehow. Hipsters love the word ‘dappled’. Little Lady of The […]

20140719-184437-67477062.jpg July 19

Dialogue you’ll never hear in a movie

*phone rings* Bad guy: Are we finally ready to negotiate? Good guy: Look, god, I’ll bring you the damn money, just please don’t hurt my family, please. Bad guy: Very well. You have 8 hours. Good guy: I, uh… 8 hours? Dude, it’s like a 10 hour drive just to get to you. Bad guy: […]

My cat’s scratching at my bedroom door and I’m holding my breath so he doesn’t know I’m in here. I’M A PRISONER IN MY OWN GOD DAMN HOME.

Recently attended an afternoon tea party with two hundred white people, and Coolio’s ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ was the first song to blare out over the sound system.

20140514-095409.jpg May 14

So, I had this dream last night…

I know, I know. Telling us about a dream you had? You *must* be out of ideas. Well, the absence of posts in the last couple of months probably could have told you that, but hey, it was a pretty good dream, so just shut up and read. You know how in Tekken/Mortal Kombat style […]

Screen Shot 2014-04-01 at 15.44.38 April 26

Cray-ders of The Lost Ark

I know, right? Shitty title. It’s fine whatever. It’ll make sense. A family just came into my store: momma, dadda, baby (probably about 2 years old, I don’t know kid ages. Is a two year old still technically even a baby?). I spoke to the parents about clocks for a short while, before the little […]

20140419-234910.jpg April 19

Warning: this card is stupid

Okay, so I have to look at this card at work every day, and I’ve decided to let you guys in on why it pisses me off so much.

20140331-191321.jpg March 31

Just pissin’

I won't piss. I super promise. (I might piss) A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Feb 2, 2014 at 1:32pm PST

20140331-181627.jpg March 31

Some people are just sick

People are just… awful. A photo posted by Felix O'Shea (@felixoshea) on Mar 3, 2014 at 12:43pm PDT

Awkward Customer Interaction: Special Edition

*as I carefully gift wrap an item that a young lady is purchasing* Her: Don’t worry about making it too neat. It’s fine like that. Me: Oh, sorry. That’s just me being anal. Her: Haha, that’s okay. I like anal. Me: Phrasing. Her: Wha – oh, god.

20140115-234253.jpg August 01

Here’s a quick recap of why my girlfriend is an evil maniac

She’s the kind of person who’ll put on a Facebook video about some people telling the ‘heartfelt’ story of how they rehabilitated a crippled dog, but she doesn’t have the heart not to laugh the whole way through. Here’s a recap of the last two minutes. ‘If that came near me, I’d tread on it.’ […]

Hal July 29

A Justice League Emergency

‘Watchtower to Green Lantern. Come in, Green Lantern.’ ‘This is Green Lantern, I read you loud and clear.’ ‘Hey, Hal? It’s Barry. Be a dude and grab some Doritos when you head back up. What? Oh, and some grapes for Diana.’ ‘Barry, Parallax is back, and he’s killing -‘ ‘Hold on, and Bruce wants some […]

‘Hello!’ – Yurgen

I was moving around some boxes in the shop storeroom out back when I heard a faint ‘hello’. I came round to the front of the store and saw, already leaving, a uniformed police officer. This is what he said: ‘Hello! Sorry, don’t mind me, I’m just saying “hello”. I’m Yurgen. It’s what I do. […]

This is what happens when a shop puts me in charge of their internet advertising.

That’s right. I’ve been asked to do some posting for a Facebook Page for the store in which I work; and if these are the kind of tag lines I’m going to come up with to sell our products, I’m going to make them a fortune. Right? Right, guys?

Apparently I’m ‘lovely’ and have ‘a wonderful smile’.

This is what a pretty girl told me yesterday. She was at the bar and may, or may not, have been drunk; or maybe she was just half-drunk. Either way, I still got it, bitches. I like this size for a text post. Everyone happy with a short punchy paragraph? I should do this more […]

‘Attention, shoppers. Will the busty redhead in the extremely tight green tee-shirt please report to security to settle a bet about whether or not we can just about see your nipples through that thing.’

Felix’s Jeans: In Memoriam

Well, there you go. Times are officially tough. These are the only trousers I have that fit me, other than my black work trousers, and they now have a big rip in the knee. Not a ‘I bought it that way because I’m all anti-establishment and “who says jeans should be in-tact anyway” and stuff’ […]

Last week’s headline: You know your legal system is in trouble when people are bringing in ghosts as courtroom witnesses

(not to mention something wrong with journalism when it’s considered ‘front page news’)

Customer Service

A lady came up to the counter in the shop I’m working at today. I was having a sip from my water bottle as she approached, and I didn’t see her in front of me, my head being tilted back. As I leaned forward again, I saw her there and, for some reason, tried saying […]

20140115-234118.jpg May 31

If Paris Hilton had written Hamlet

So there’s this guy called Hamlet, and he’s pretty hot. His uncle is trying to bang his mum, or whatever. His dad got killed and he’s all super upset about it and does loads of sexy brooding and stuff and talking to himself, which is totally crazy, but also kinda hot. He has some cute […]

How not to speak to your manager

Michelle: Where are these drinks going? Me: They’re going to… oh, your favourite table. Number 69. Michelle: Uh, no that’s not actually my favourite. Me: In terms of table numbers, it probably is. It’s not like we have a ‘table anal’.

I’m leaving clues to fool my girlfriend into thinking I’m cheating on her, so as to distract her from the real secret of finding out how much junk food I’ve been eating lately.

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed a pen at work…

I was playing Angry Birds during my flight back from France, and at one point I accidentally yelled “Yay, I’ve got a bomb! Die, pigs!”

It didn’t go down well…

You’re all going to hate me for this one…

I just want to start by saying NOBODY DIED. NO ONE IS DEAD. EVERYONE IS OKAY. Now, I was checking Facebook (because I’m meant to be packing for holiday and I needed something to help me avoid it) and I found a link that said R.I.P. [girl’s name]. I was intrigued (okay, amused) by the […]

Yet again, my cats have made absolutely no effort to celebrate my birthday.

My Secret Dream

I have a secret dream in life, that I hold close to my heart. I’m prepared to reveal it to you, dear friends, because I trust you, and love you. This is my dream…

If I ever overhear someone saying “Relax, guys. I got this!”, I’m going to make damn sure he dies doing whatever it is that he thinks he’s got.

A Tribute to Black Hair and Eye Liner: Cheerful Alexander and his struggle to fit in with the goth kids

This is a story about a boy named Alexander Green. Alexander really wanted to be a goth. Lots of boys at his school were goth kids and he thought they were very cool. He would often try to hang out with them, but they told him to go away because of his apparent love of […]

I came home and found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he replied saying that he just liked courtroom dramas.

Hey, candle… When I blow you, you go out. Don’t stay lit and make me look like a pussy in front of everyone.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,977 other followers