Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transportation. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, whatever; just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on a train. So fraught with danger and unpleasant tension are they, that if one is foolish, or desperate, enough to utilise them, they must take the most precise and delicate of precautions to remain anonymous; lest you breathe at someone the wrong way and have your peaceful carriage become the setting for a reenactment of the shoot out scene in Leonardo DiCaprio’s mansion from the movie Django Unchained.
After months of waiting in the lonely mire of medieval England, the elated young Duke finally received word from his distant beloved. A letter; a reply, no doubt, to the words he’d sent out many moons before, delivered via carrier pigeon.
He opened it with haste.
‘Mmm… then what, baby?’
This is one of my favourite articles that I’ve ever written, so it’d be awesome if you guys could be all supportive and whatnot, and give it a read, a repost, or a like. Click the link below to be taken to the full article.
Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transport. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, whatever; just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on a bus, train, or tram. So fraught with danger and unpleasant tension are they, that if one is foolish, or desperate, enough to utilise them, they must take the most precise and delicate of precautions to remain anonymous; lest you breathe at someone the wrong way and have your peaceful train carriage become the setting for a reenactment of the Leonardo DiCaprio’s mansion shoot out scene from Django Unchained.
You seriously want to put your finger in one of those mouths? Good luck, Einstein.
Pigeon Loan Shark
Oh they’ll take your money, because they like shredding up paper for their nests, but good luck explaining compound interest or the value of currency to a bird, you lunatic. You want it back? You’re going to need an electronic tag and a friend who can climb trees.
What’s the point, man? That shirt will last three weeks, tops. Think about it.
Chimpanzee Portrait Artist
Okay, let’s say you somehow train the chimp to sit still long enough for you to paint a portrait of him. He’s not going to care. Best case scenario? He ‘improves’ your work with a handful of hurled faeces. Waste of time.
Lyposuction Specialist for Blue Whales
Seriously? What are you even doing? It’s the largest animal that’s ever existed. What kind of a result could you possibly hope to achieve?
Mail Order Bride for Kangaroos
This won’t work. Kangaroos aren’t interested in marrying you. You’re a human. Why would a kangeroo be interested in marrying you?
All of your patients are already long dead. Good work, ‘doctor’.
You show up at Dracula’s castle and start whining about carbs and dairy, you’re in for a neck full of fang, my friend. They only eat one thing, and they aren’t interested in soya alternative or gluten free human blood, are they. Also, you ever seen a fat vampire?
Shoemaker for Spiders
News flash, idiot. Spiders don’t wear shoes.
Ant Prime Minister
Firstly, ants don’t elect political leaders, they know exactly what their functions are, and they don’t need pensions or unions or university funding to do it; and secondly, if they did elect a prime minister, why would they elect you, a stupid human?
WITH A BRAND NEW ‘BEST OF’ ALBUM, THE BAD BOY OF THE CLASSICAL SCENE, LIDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN IS BACK TO ROCK YOUR GRAMOPHONE LISTENING ROOM.
THE SENSATIONAL NEW RECORD FEATURES ALL OF HIS EARTH-SHATTERING TRACKS:
- PIANO SONATA NUMBER 32 IN C MINOR
- SYMPHONY NUMBER 5, OPUS 67 (1ST MOVEMENT)
- STRING QUARTET NUMBER 3 IN D MAJOR
AND MANY MORE, INCLUDING THE MASSIVE HIT SINGLE:
- OPUS 1, PIANO TRIO NUMBER 3 IN C MINOR
THE SUN SAYS ‘IT’S THE BEST-HOVEN‘, AND THE HERALD CALLS IT ‘A TOUR DE FORCE‘.
GRAB YOUR COPY OF LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN – THE GREATEST HITS!
Becky and I live in a pair of terraced buildings which hold about 7 flats each, mostly rented out to people on holiday. In our building, we have us in number 5, a lovely couple above and below us, a bizarre guy who pretends not to live in the flat opposite us (and who always wears caps with different organisation titles like ‘POLICE’ or ‘NASA’ printed on them so that he can tell people he works for whichever of the aforementioned companies he currently has branded on his head), and a pair of families that we don’t really know in flats 1 and 2.
From this point forward, I shall begin referring to the occupants of flats 1 and 2 as ‘the enemies‘.
Hey, friends! My new article for The Impersonals is out, and obviously it’s hilarious.
DISCLAIMER: It probably isn’t.
So I’d positively adore every single one of you if you could give it a looksie, and perhaps even a ‘like’ and even a comment if you really like sucking up to me; which, might I add, will earn you certain interesting rewards.
DISCLAIMER: No, it won’t.
So there I was in the swimming pool locker room…
(Great start to a story)
I had just about finished getting showered and dressed and was just drying my hair, when in walked Cock Out Man. As you can guess from his name, Cock Out Man had his cock out, proudly dangling away as he swung his hips and gayly (old meaning) strolled past me with a skip in his step. Now, this doesn’t bother me. I’m fine about my physical appearance, but at the same time, I have the modesty to make sure that the amount of locker room penile exposure is kept to a minimum on my part, mainly as a courtesy for the other men there who would inevitably start to feel insecure in my presence (ladies?). Cock Out Man, on the other hand, had no such reservations. Not only was he comfortable with cock exposure, but he stood in the corner of the room, facing outward, flicking around on his phone for a few minutes, without a hint of concealment.
Now, you know how when you already think someone is weird, so you keep an eye (not directly in this case) on them, and suddenly they do something even weirder, and it’s so much funnier because you were already watching them? Well, I had my eye (again, not directly) on Cock Out Man, waiting to see how long he was going to live up to his name. Then something really bizarre happened… Continue reading