Tag Archives: Comedy

20140118-202748.jpg January 18

The Definition of Anxiety

Today, something occurred to me: something terrifying and agonising. So, you know how nerve-wracking it is to show someone else something that you love? Be it a film, a band, a TV show, or whatever, there’s always a sense of dread that they’ll disapprove, and that they will, by extension, harshly judge your tastes and […]

subway034-597x400 April 04

A Brief Guide to Surviving on The Subway

Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transportation. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, I’d even grudgingly allow you to set foot on a bus, for god’s sake, but whatever you do, just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on […]

Courtship in the 1300s

After months of waiting in the lonely mire of medieval England, the elated young Duke finally received word from his distant beloved. A letter; a reply, no doubt, to the words he’d sent out many moons before, delivered via carrier pigeon. He opened it with haste. ‘Mmm… then what, baby?’

Being asked if you were asleep when someone calls is like being asked if you did it when you’re standing near a murder scene.

The Ten Most Pointless Career Choices

Zombie Dentist You seriously want to put your finger in one of those mouths? Good luck, Einstein. Pigeon Loan Shark Oh they’ll take your money, because they like shredding up paper for their nests, but good luck explaining compound interest or the value of currency to a bird, you lunatic. You want it back? You’re […]

If Modern Musical Advertising Existed In The Early 1800s

WITH A BRAND NEW ‘BEST OF’ ALBUM, THE BAD BOY OF THE CLASSICAL SCENE, LIDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN IS BACK TO ROCK YOUR GRAMOPHONE LISTENING ROOM. THE SENSATIONAL NEW RECORD FEATURES ALL OF HIS EARTH-SHATTERING TRACKS: – PIANO SONATA NUMBER 32 IN C MINOR – SYMPHONY NUMBER 5, OPUS 67 (1ST MOVEMENT) – STRING QUARTET NUMBER […]

‘When did putting animal skulls on our heads stop being cool?’ said a guy at a party with an animal skull on his head.

The Battle of The Bins

Becky and I live in a pair of terraced buildings which hold about 7 flats each, mostly rented out to people on holiday. In our building, we have us in number 5, a lovely couple above and below us, a bizarre guy who pretends not to live in the flat opposite us (and who always […]

The Somewhat Unusual Adventures of Cock Out Man

So there I was in the swimming pool locker room… (Great start to a story) I had just about finished getting showered and dressed and was just drying my hair, when in walked Cock Out Man. As you can guess from his name, Cock Out Man had his cock out, proudly dangling away as he swung […]

image January 17

Things that occurred to me whilst being made to watch the first Harry Potter movie:

By the time he gets through puberty, that invisibility cloak will be as sticky as fuck on the inside. Pretty much everything they get these kids to do in that school is life threatening. Why would the parents agree to this? Quidditch? Jesus Christ. Realistically, there’s no way they’d let a guy like Hagrid live […]

‘I don’t just take cocaine, doctor. I am cocaine.’ – Nicolas Cage, probably.

Rocky VII

Rocky: Adrian! Adriaaaan! Aaadriaaaan! AAADRIAAAAAN!! AAAAAADRIAAAAAAAN!! Adrian: What!? What, rocky!? Jesus Christ, with the constant yelling? I’m in the fucking kitchen! If you want to fucking talk to me, then fucking come in here and talk to me! Fuck!

Stuff that my girlfriend said whilst watching a horror movie tonight:

Becky: There’s no way way I’m going to work tomorrow. Becky: The ghost boy is rat-a-tat-tatting on the door! Why is he going to open the door? Now you’ve invited it in! That’s the rule of vampires! If my cat ever knocks on the door, I’ll kill it. Becky: Can the ghost touch him? If […]

‘Hi, I’m Scott Taylor of Scott Taylor Electricals.’

If I ever meet one of those people who introduces themselves by saying their name, followed by ‘of‘ and the name of their company that they’ve named after themselves, you can bet your fucking legs that I will elbow drop them on the top of the head.

An Unfortunate Christmas: The Greatest Hits

Coming soon, a wonderful collection of all of those Christmas classics from houses where Turkeys were burned, wine was overflowed, dysfunction was rife, and the only thing louder than the yelling, was the music.

The Wonderful Humiliation of one of My Co-workers

I love this story.

My cat, the Christmas asshole

My asshole cat won’t stop being an asshole and individually tearing every single decoration off of Becky’s Christmas tree (while I, admittedly, sit and do pretty much nothing about it). Anyway, a second ago, I decided that enough was probably enough, and walked over there to stop him, and as if he bloody knew, he […]

Circus Auditions

‘All right, so who’s this clown?’ ‘His name is Pogo, sir.’ ‘And how about that joker?’ ‘Uh, I think he’s called Honkers, sir.’ ‘And what about that other bozo?’ ‘He’s actually called Bozo, sir.’ ‘He’s hired.’

I sometimes like to pretend that underneath the Pope’s hat sits a tiny barn owl that’s been trained to tickle him behind his ears all day.

‘Hey, buddy. I know you’re trying to sleep; but I just wanted to quickly mention a couple million things to you first.’

- my brain

A Diary of The Last Man on Earth

So… You’ve awoken to a post apocalyptic world. Everyone’s gone. The houses are all abandoned, the cars have rolled to a stop in the middle of street. Here’s what you do.

‘Et tu, Brute?’ said Caesar, watching his old friend as he greedily eyed up the last chicken drumstick on the grill.

An idea for another ‘post apocalyptic’ movie:

[start] Roll opening production company credits. The picture fades in. We’re in deep space. A cluster of rocks floats lifelessly; the remains of planet Earth after some sort of climactic event. Everything’s gone, and everyone’s dead. The camera slowly pans around the debris for approximately two hours, before the screen fades to black. The whole […]

This is genuinely what is going through my head right now…

Me: Hey, 4am. How’s it going? 4am: Oh, not bad. You know how it is. Me: Yeah… Yeah…. Hey, listen; I honestly don’t know how to say this, so I guess I’ll just have to… say it. 4am: Honey? What is it? Me: I… It’s just… There’s someone else. I don’t want to see them, […]

20121122-013523-am November 22

‘Hey, Felix… Can you print off a “wet paint” sign for the wall?’

‘Oh… Oh, yeah… I can totally do that.’

This is why it’s so much fun talking to me!

Jasmine: Your ability with words.amazes me. Jasmine: Fuck. I mean ‘amazes me.’ Felix: Oop. Felix: Oop, Jasmine. Felix: That first full stop was a little early. Felix: “My little brother… always so eager to get ahead.“ Felix: “Every day I tell him ‘No, Pedro. We wait for end of sentence’, but he no listen.” Felix: […]

This is why the people at work no longer invite me to things…

Me: You know what we need around here? More funny people. Like me. More funny people like me. That’s what we need around here. Simon: Who says you’re funny? Who tells you that you’re funny? Me: Uhh… My affirming and supportive imaginary friend, obviously. Simon: I – Me: Derek. Simon: What? Me: My affirming and […]

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed a pen at work…

Wanted: A tiny sidekick to explain obscure jokes to a confused audience…

It’s something I’ve thought about a lot before. Do you know that feeling when you tell a joke that you think is really clever, only to be met by the cold silence of people who didn’t understand it?

Taken 2: Alternate Ending

[Liam Neeson’s character (Brian) is on the phone to his daughter (Kim), seeing that his ex-wife is being held by armed antagonists] Brian: Listen to me carefully, Kim. Your mother is going to be taken. Kim: Dad, wait. Don’t you mean… twoken? Brian: Yes, Kim. Twoken. [both characters look directly at camera] [cut to black] […]

That’s just what I was thinking…

I was working the bar last night, and towards closing time, a young lady came up to order. She had some cool bright red top, a funky owl necklace, cute wavy blonde hair, and a very friendly face. She was the kind of person who makes you think “Yeah, we could totally be friends.”

Sexy Naked Female Grooming

I’ll tell you right from the start: You guys are going to be so disappointed by that title. As you may know, I’ve been away for a week in the south of France. A lot happened, there are a tonne of cool pictures to sort through, and I’ll get to it all in time. I […]

I made a new Twitter profile picture…

I wanted something to incorporate how I like to dress well, but also to show how I posses a very rudimentary level of technological know-how that allows me to make something that was black and white have a bit of colour. That’s impressive, right? Whatever. I have a new suit. I don’t care.

I was playing Angry Birds during my flight back from France, and at one point I accidentally yelled “Yay, I’ve got a bomb! Die, pigs!”

It didn’t go down well…

Probably my favourite picture of all time…

I want to see this reposted everywhere because Becky is adorable and refused to go into the sea and then this happened and it was cold and hilarious and I’m a terrible, terrible boyfriend.

You see this sea? I own this sea. Anyone wants to see this sea, they have to go through me. See?

Burned, but not emasculated…

We went to the beach today, and, being a man, I refused to wear any sunscreen. Now I’m all red and sore and burned, but I still have my masculinity. I am a man with balls and a cock and a fiery tingling down my shins and all over my chest, but I am a […]

You’re all going to hate me for this one…

I just want to start by saying NOBODY DIED. NO ONE IS DEAD. EVERYONE IS OKAY. Now, I was checking Facebook (because I’m meant to be packing for holiday and I needed something to help me avoid it) and I found a link that said R.I.P. [girl’s name]. I was intrigued (okay, amused) by the […]

I tried eating honeycomb yesterday and let me tell you, nothing makes you feel more alive than devouring someone’s house. Take that, bees.

Rebecca’s Radishes

We have sweets. We have chocolates. We have crisps. We have biscuits and twiglets and bacon. We have every unhealthy snack an unhealthy snacker could unhealthily snack on… and I find her sitting on the sofa, munching her way through an entire box of radishes. Crazy.

I tried feeding my cat steroids so that I’d have a super awesome bodyguard, but instead he had an aortic embolism and now my girlfriend is going to kill me.

FELIX! An update…

So, starting from a couple of days ago, I have over TWO WEEKS off work, which is the most I’ve had off work in years; and considering how much I hate doing work, it’s pretty awesome. Becky and I have been frantically trying to book a holiday, but with not having any time together, and […]

Why I Shouldn’t be an English Teacher

In an unusually pedantic mood, I decided to… Actually, let me start again. In a usually pedantic mood, I decided to wander around my bar today and point out all of the things that contained grammatical and/or spelling errors; which, as it turns out, was just about everything. It started to annoy me to think […]

Captain’s Log – Stardate: September 11th 2012 – Still haven’t quite figured out how to build a spaceship. Will report back later.

Nothing says “You’re fat!” like a stranger walking up to you and repeatedly yelling “You’re fat!” right into your big fat face.

image September 06

‘Wisps of Hope’

There’s a little charity competition thing going at work at the moment, where customers can pay £1 to ‘name the bear‘, and the best name entry gets to keep it. Anyway, I was having a peer through all the entries today, and some absolute ass hat has entered the name Serendipity. For a teddy bear. […]

Don’t let the back bugs bite!

You know those annoying people who think they’re really observant and believe that they see stuff that other people don’t see, and who say things like “Yeah, I always notice little things like that.“ Well, I’m one of them, apart from I usually don’t, but occasionally probably do, say that last bit, and you’re going […]

“Sharks a lot!”

It was a long night on the bar tonight, and with me to bear it was Simon, one of the new bartenders. I’ll cut this story short and get straight to the fun part. Before long we got bored enough to start playing ‘the cat game’, wherein you try to sneak the word ‘meow’ into […]

Bad jokes – Gone worse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?”, and the horse says “I have terminal cancer.”

M¥ 0nline adven1ure

I tried calling my phone company to sort out an upgrade, and instead of playing the usual rubbish elevator music while I was on hold for twenty minutes, they played some bizarre noise reminiscent of the old Internet dial up tone. As I was too lazy to endure the arduous torture of holding my phone […]

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