Tag Archives: Annoying

20140721-230906-83346076.jpg July 21

‘Oh my god, I am just SO sarcastic!’

I hate people constantly over-describing themselves as ‘sarcastic’, as if it’s one of their main character traits. ‘Hi, I’m Felix. I’m 6’2″, dark-haired, sarcastic.’ You can’t just be sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic when you call yourself sarcastic, because you can’t identify your entire being as ‘sarcastic’ if what you mean is ‘I often, but […]

20140419-234910.jpg April 19

Warning: this card is stupid

Okay, so I have to look at this card at work every day, and I’ve decided to let you guys in on why it pisses me off so much.

facebook January 15

Opening the Facebook App

Me: Okay, time to check Facebook. Facebook App: Oh, hey. You, uh, want me to open? Me: Yeah, thanks. Facebook App: Ooh, might take a while.

I attached another key to my key ring and now it takes me an extra forty-six minutes to get into my house.

‘Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,’ said my ears.

Me: Hey, severe tinnitus. How’re you tonight? Ringing ears: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, thaaaaaaaaaaaanks. Me: Good, that’s good. You, uh… You seem awfully… loud. Ringing ears: Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah, I guuuuuueeeeeesssss. Me: Well, yeah… It’s just that I was kind of planning on getting some sleep, like, in the near future. Like, maybe now-ish? Ringing ears: Reeeeeeaaaaallyyyyyyyy? Me: Ugh, uh, […]

Sorry, buddy…

Well, my girlfriend did say to throw EVERYTHING in the laundry basket straight into the machine, so… uh… here goes, I guess. I hope he can hold his breath well.

‘Hi, I’m Scott Taylor of Scott Taylor Electricals.’

If I ever meet one of those people who introduces themselves by saying their name, followed by ‘of‘ and the name of their company that they’ve named after themselves, you can bet your fucking legs that I will elbow drop them on the top of the head.

My cat, the Christmas asshole

My asshole cat won’t stop being an asshole and individually tearing every single decoration off of Becky’s Christmas tree (while I, admittedly, sit and do pretty much nothing about it). Anyway, a second ago, I decided that enough was probably enough, and walked over there to stop him, and as if he bloody knew, he […]

This is why it’s so much fun talking to me!

Jasmine: Your ability with words.amazes me. Jasmine: Fuck. I mean ‘amazes me.’ Felix: Oop. Felix: Oop, Jasmine. Felix: That first full stop was a little early. Felix: “My little brother… always so eager to get ahead.“ Felix: “Every day I tell him ‘No, Pedro. We wait for end of sentence’, but he no listen.” Felix: […]

This is why the people at work no longer invite me to things…

Me: You know what we need around here? More funny people. Like me. More funny people like me. That’s what we need around here. Simon: Who says you’re funny? Who tells you that you’re funny? Me: Uhh… My affirming and supportive imaginary friend, obviously. Simon: I – Me: Derek. Simon: What? Me: My affirming and […]

image September 06

‘Wisps of Hope’

There’s a little charity competition thing going at work at the moment, where customers can pay £1 to ‘name the bear‘, and the best name entry gets to keep it. Anyway, I was having a peer through all the entries today, and some absolute ass hat has entered the name Serendipity. For a teddy bear. […]

“Sharks a lot!”

It was a long night on the bar tonight, and with me to bear it was Simon, one of the new bartenders. I’ll cut this story short and get straight to the fun part. Before long we got bored enough to start playing ‘the cat game’, wherein you try to sneak the word ‘meow’ into […]

I went to see Batman tonight…

The movie, I mean… not the guy: that’d be crazy. Anyway, I’m not going to talk about that, you’re not interested in my ‘review’. What I will talk about however, is the three guys sat behind Becky and I. It’s weird, I’m pretty much a robot; with all my disassociation and PTSD, I pretty much […]

Nothing makes you feel quite so impotent and hopeless as dropping a coin at night, and hearing it invisibly roll all the way down the road.

The perfume of heroic deeds, or the stench of vomit and tequila

What has happened to her face? That’s the front page headline I saw when a co-worker handed me the newspaper yesterday. It’s no secret how much I loath the British tabloids (as posts like ‘Why I can’t look at The Sun‘ and ‘The Anatomy of The Brain (of a Tabloid Reader)‘ will tell you), but […]

An Open Letter to Dicks…

Dear Dicks, I have recently come across one of your kind and shall address him thusly…

image March 23

The Prehistoric Predators Lurking at Tesco

I was sat here, as I often am at three in the morning, pondering a topic upon which to write about, and I scoured my brain only to come up with a few dusty scraps of unintelligible drivel about the sorry state of modern music or the shameful hyperbolising of tabloid newspapers. So, in lieu […]

How to Get Spit in Your Food

Listed here is a few of the things that a person can do to thoroughly piss off a bar tender or waiter. Please don’t do any of them.

Hey, I’ve got my New Shoes on

Okay, seeing as I work in a fairly busy bar/restaurant, on 8 to 12 hour shifts each working day, I tend to have a lot of problems with tired, sore feet. I have been recently growing more and more inclined to buy some of those big skateboarder shoes because of how padded and comfortable they […]

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