Felix: Okay, starting in 1939, take me through the history of The Second World War.
Ian: ’39 to ’45?
Felix: Uh, yeah. Well done.
Ian: Okay, right. Once upon a time…
Felix: Great start.
Ian: Once upon a time, there was this guy called Adolf Hitler. Got his ass whooped by some English people. Prior to that he was just a young guy growing up thinking ‘How can I conquer the world‘. Who put that seed into his head? Who knows. Uncle? Godfather? Whatever. Anyway, he got his posse of German friends together.
Felix: Haha, right. This is already utterly bewildering, but okay. Then what?
Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transport. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, whatever; just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on a train. So fraught with danger and unpleasant tension are they, that if one is foolish, or desperate, enough to utilise them, they must take the most precise and delicate of precautions to remain anonymous; lest you breathe at someone the wrong way and have your peaceful carriage become the setting for a reenactment of the shoot out scene in Leonardo DiCaprio’s mansion from the movie Django Unchained.
A few handy hints for the on-the-go traveler who is far too busy (being an important, big shot man/woman-about-town, no doubt) to make time for the dreary underling, the tedious former associate, or the slightly mental, and (as you’ve just remembered) weirdly clingy ex-partner.
Step One: Stay on the Move
Maintaining momentum is the golden rule. If this is a ‘smile and wave‘ acquaintance, then it shouldn’t be a problem; however if you know that a conversation will be instigated, then there’s an important trick that I like to call the ‘spin ‘n’ grin‘. Be the first person to initiate contact, as it makes you seem genuinely interested in conversing, but instead of stopping in front of them (absolute no-no), simply walk to the side of them, turning around so that you’re still facing them, chatting, but walking away backwards. This shows that you’re in a hurry to do something that, as much as you’d love to stay and chat, can’t be put off. Keep smiling and talking until you’re roughly four steps away, and then bust out the old ‘I’m sorry, I really have to run, but it’s lovely seeing you.’
Well, the movie has been out for a while now, making the rounds in front of the loathing and loving alike, but one thing that’s for sure: it’s certainly in breach of social etiquette to still own a copy of the book. I don’t care if you’ve had it since you were twelve, the time has come. Worry not, however, because herein lies a list of ways to dispose of your now painfully uncool hard copy.
This is one of my favourite articles that I’ve ever written, so it’d be awesome if you guys could be all supportive and whatnot, and give it a read, a repost, or a like. Click the link below to be taken to the full article.
Let’s get one thing straight: you should always avoid standard public transport. Get a car, ride a bike, use your actual human walking legs, whatever; just make your way to your destination without having to set foot on a bus, train, or tram. So fraught with danger and unpleasant tension are they, that if one is foolish, or desperate, enough to utilise them, they must take the most precise and delicate of precautions to remain anonymous; lest you breathe at someone the wrong way and have your peaceful train carriage become the setting for a reenactment of the Leonardo DiCaprio’s mansion shoot out scene from Django Unchained.
You seriously want to put your finger in one of those mouths? Good luck, Einstein.
Pigeon Loan Shark
Oh they’ll take your money, because they like shredding up paper for their nests, but good luck explaining compound interest or the value of currency to a bird, you lunatic. You want it back? You’re going to need an electronic tag and a friend who can climb trees.
What’s the point, man? That shirt will last three weeks, tops. Think about it.
Chimpanzee Portrait Artist
Okay, let’s say you somehow train the chimp to sit still long enough for you to paint a portrait of him. He’s not going to care. Best case scenario? He ‘improves’ your work with a handful of hurled faeces. Waste of time.
Lyposuction Specialist for Blue Whales
Seriously? What are you even doing? It’s the largest animal that’s ever existed. What kind of a result could you possibly hope to achieve?
Mail Order Bride for Kangaroos
This won’t work. Kangaroos aren’t interested in marrying you. You’re a human. Why would a kangeroo be interested in marrying you?
All of your patients are already long dead. Good work, ‘doctor’.
You show up at Dracula’s castle and start whining about carbs and dairy, you’re in for a neck full of fang, my friend. They only eat one thing, and they aren’t interested in soya alternative or gluten free human blood, are they. Also, you ever seen a fat vampire?
Shoemaker for Spiders
News flash, idiot. Spiders don’t wear shoes.
Ant Prime Minister
Firstly, ants don’t elect political leaders, they know exactly what their functions are, and they don’t need pensions or unions or university funding to do it; and secondly, if they did elect a prime minister, why would they elect you, a stupid human?