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I tried calling my phone company to sort out an upgrade, and instead of playing the usual rubbish elevator music while I was on hold for twenty minutes, they played some bizarre noise reminiscent of the old Internet dial up tone. As I was too lazy to endure the arduous torture of holding my phone up to the side of my face, I decided to plug it into my earphones, meaning that I could hear nothing but the robotic white noise reverberating through my skull.

After about the twenty third minute, most of my flesh and internal organs had been replaced by cold metal, silicon wiring, and motherboard microchips. This was a great inconvenience, as when the representative from the phone company finally answered the call, I was only able to communicate in a series of ‘boops‘ and ‘beeps‘ that she, if I’m quite honest, made no effort to translate before hanging up the phone.

This wasn’t too great an annoyance, as I was then able to synchronise my mind with the phone itself, and transport my consciousness onto the internet and into the phone company’s registry network (and as such, my new phone is on the way), but after the completion of this task, I realised that the internet is a phenomenally large place, and I have as of yet been unable to relocate my physical body.

I’ve enjoyed my time existing on the internet. Some of the more primitive, obsolete computer programs have begun to think of me as a god, and have awarded me unfettered access to all of the premium pornography websites. I have also been able to instantaneously read all of Wikipedia and watch all of YouTube and have thusly concluded that sharks are scary, and cats are adorable.

I’m not sure how long one can stay in this incorporeal fashion, before being converted to pure raw data energy, but I should have time for a few quick emails before I start to bec0me c0mple1e1y au10n0m0us 0nd 10001101111001011001111011011011.

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