Monthly Archives: August 2012

Bad jokes – Gone worse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?”, and the horse says “I have terminal cancer.”

Oh my god, something weird just happened…

I was working my 2nd job job today, which for those of you who don’t know, is in a small, French bric-a-brac shop, and after a few uneventful hours, a peculiar family came in. They were an arabic family; a man, two women, and a small girl. I was about to find out just how […]

The Bored Identity

Working my second job at the bric-a-brac shop today. It’s quiet, and I’m pretty bored; so it got me thinking that it’s time like these that I wish I were to suddenly be ‘reactivated‘ as an undercover secret agent, unsure of who he is, but forced to live on the run, while simultaneously trying to […]

The guy who look likes a thumb…

So, there’s a guy at work who apparently looks a little bit like a thumb. Today, I drew a face on my thumb, and to be honest, I think it’s uncanny. I started responding to people saying his name by putting up my thumb and speaking through it. I gave everyone jobs to do as […]

*point* *nod* *smile* *wave*

This is essentially a transcript of a conversation I had with someone today while I was working on the bar… Guy: Excuse me, but do you think you could call me a taxi? Me: Sure, where are you headed? Guy: Up to Windermere. Me: For how many people? Guy: It’s for five of us. Me: […]

M¥ 0nline adven1ure

I tried calling my phone company to sort out an upgrade, and instead of playing the usual rubbish elevator music while I was on hold for twenty minutes, they played some bizarre noise reminiscent of the old Internet dial up tone. As I was too lazy to endure the arduous torture of holding my phone […]

No, I didn’t kill your cat! It simply had a minor altercation with the front-left tire of my SUV, after which it entered a semi-permanent state of peaceful hibernation.

hatter August 21

A Brief Guide to Brewing One’s Tea

For too long have I borne sad witness to the folly of a coffee maker brewing a cup of tea. This isn’t some slap-dash, hasty, get it done fast kind of job; this is an art form. It takes time, precision, and patience. So don’t screw it up.

Political Correctness Gone Mad!

While at work today, I saw a group of men watching the BBC news, which at the time was featuring the story of Julian Assange and his stay at the Ecuadorian embassy. The ‘alpha‘ of the group started running his inebriated mouth of about how terrible it was that Assange was still able to stay […]

Always Coca-Cola

(I’d better get some free bottles for this, you tight bastards!)

Murder, most foul…

I’m currently creeping around my living room with no lights, bar one candle, in the middle of the night. Becky is asleep on the sofa, Sherlock (the cat) is asleep on the tea table, and Moriarty (the other cat) is asleep on the carpet. I’m skulking around to get a glass of water ready on […]

Just before the dentist gave me my anaesthetic injection, he said “It’s just a little prick. It shouldn’t hurt.” and I yelled “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”, and everyone in the building ran in and high-fived me.

Let’s play ‘Which countries will kill their athletes for not bringing home enough Olympic medals’. I’ll start: North Korea.

Another tense night at home with The Chimpsons

Bobo got back to the tree after a long, hard day in the jungle. He wearily climbed the vines and entered his living room, exhausted. He saw his wife, bubbles, in the kitchen. The somber clanking of pots and pans couldn’t have drowned out the sound of his arrival, and yet she didn’t turn to […]

Yet again, my cats have made absolutely no effort to celebrate my birthday.

Being kept late at work means I’ve just turned 23 on my own, walking down the street in the middle of the night.

I’m going to go ahead and say that this probably isn’t a good sign of things to come. Oh well, happy birthday to me.

One year to live (probably)

It’s my birthday on Saturday. That’s 23 hours and 32 minutes, coincidentally, and I’ll be turning 23. 23 has always been my favourite number (way before that weird movie). It was one of my favourite songs as a kid (by Jimmy Eat World) as well. All my dreams used to revolve around it, and I […]

“When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit” is probably what Doc Brown yells to himself before crapping his pants at the retirement home.

Felix’s Holiday!

Well, as the lack of posting may show (and this title clearly suggest), I’ve been on holiday for a few days. Enclosed is a short summary of events.

My 372nd Tale of Public Embarrassment

I was at work yesterday, as I obviously am most days, and we had the Olympics on the TV. I was serving a customer and I glanced over to see one of the men’s sprinting events. I noticed that the lady glanced over as well, so, seeing that the camera was zoomed in to a […]


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