Monthly Archives: July 2012

Sorry, Earth people. Felix will be away for a few more days.

We, the pirate aliens, have taken him away. Long live Captain Glorknidt.

I nicknamed my testicles ‘Scooby Doo’ and ‘Old Yeller’, because nothing spices up foreplay like saying “Release the hounds!”

“Weird!”

So, I’ll try to make this brief… There may be a few tangents, and I’m really tired. I was walking home from work tonight, exhausted after 13 hours shared between two jobs. It was about 11.45 at night and on my side of the street ahead of me was a pack of youths. I don’t […]

Half a letter for a finger… Confusing title, eh?

I went to get my ring finger sized yesterday, I won’t go into why… Anyway! I tried on a test ring, and was told that if I had a normal ring, I would be a size R. No problems so far. However, the lady then said that if I were to get a broader ring, […]

I went to see Batman tonight…

The movie, I mean… not the guy: that’d be crazy. Anyway, I’m not going to talk about that, you’re not interested in my ‘review’. What I will talk about however, is the three guys sat behind Becky and I. It’s weird, I’m pretty much a robot; with all my disassociation and PTSD, I pretty much […]

Really; there are no specific nutrients that a zombie can get from eating brains that it can’t get from a wide range of other foods.

The Unsurprising Adventure of Fly Boy

This week on The Unsurprising Adventures of Fly Boy (a comic I just made up earlier today by scribbling some terrible drawings an on order pad at work while my boss wasn’t looking), our eponymous hero, Fly Boy, is humming softly through the streets once more; bumping into windows, bothering normal people, running in circles […]

Cat in a Box

Silly Amazon. This isn’t the cat I ordered. The cat I picked out online had longer fur. Now I have to send this one back. *sigh* Where’s that duct tape?

Attention, internet! Help contribute artwork to my new book!

So, as some of you may know; I’m currently writing a book of funny, ridiculously made-up, animal facts. The original idea was to have my girlfriend, Becky, draw some simple sketches for each one; but as the list has gotten longer and longer, I’ve had a cool idea… The book is designed to be almost […]

Back to The Future: The Original Opening

Doc: Brace yourself, Marty. When this baby hits 88 miles per hour… You’re going to see some serious shit. Police: Doctor Emmett Brown; stop the vehicle. We have reason to believe you have stolen nuclear materials on board. Doc: Holy shit, Marty! Get in! Marty: Woah, Doc. What’s going on? Doc: Come on, just get […]

An ex-CIA agent is claiming that the Roswell incident really WAS an alien landing, buried in a government conspiracy…

… And on a totally, absolutely, obviously unrelated note; he’s currently plugging and promoting his new book, which happens to be about an alien landing, buried in a government conspiracy. I find it astronomical the audacity, and the soulless desperation, of some people who try to take advantage of other, naive and gullible, people. Then […]

For whom the bell tolls: How I’m probably going to die.

I was awoken again by the fire alarm in my building going off this morning. I live in a block of about twelve flats, but about eleven of the flats are usually being let out to tourists on holiday… And when I say tourists, I mean morons. Anyway, these tourists are apparently constantly burning toast […]

I’ve made a fun collage of all the mental illness test results I’ve just had!

At least I’m being constructive with my free time…

If Christian Bale never snuck off set at night to run around the city being Batman, then he is literally dead inside.

Ahh, it’s Godzilla! Wait, no… Just some bored loser…

Stepping on cardboard boxes is a lot more fun if you pretend that they’re all tiny buildings, and that you’re a giant monster destroying an entire city.

Golden Showers: The logistical difficulties of peeing on your partner…

To pee, or not to pee? Well, not to pee; would be the short answer. Seriously guys, that’s a little messed up. Still, I know people with far stranger paraphillias, so it would be inconsistent to dismiss this one. Anyway, I’m not going to examine the potential psychological reasons, or the subconscious motivations, or even […]

Restaurant Comment Cards: Just put the food INTO my mouth…

Okay, guys… I’ve come up with a new section. At the restaurant where I work, we give out little comment cards at the end of each meal. Ninety nine times out of ten, they’re pretty dull and unspectacular; but every so often we’ll get some thing really stupid. This isn’t one of those times. I […]

I’m about to self-publish my first book…

It’s going to be a joke compilation and expansion of my previous Animal Facts posts; basically a huge collection of some of the scientific sounding, but completely made up and utterly stupid, wildlife stories that I post. I’m about a third of the way through it, I think. I’m going to post up a link […]

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