Monthly Archives: June 2012

So this Internet guy said some really nice stuff about me…

His name is Tom, I assume, and he goes by @iTomFoolery. It turns out that he liked some of my tweets, and decided to tell everyone how funny I was. Not that I think I am funny. I mean, I am… But… He said it, not me. Anyway, listen to it, tell me how great […]

I’m so appreciated…

Becky: I don’t know what I’ve done, but my elbow elbow really hurts. Me: Maybe someone told you such a good joke that you broke your funny bone. Becky: Obviously not one of yours then…

An asshole, Inside (or ‘Inside an Asshole’)

As many will know; my part of the world is currently knee-deep in the 2012 European Football Championship. As many will also know; I couldn’t care less. I’ve never watched an entire football game in my life, nor a game of any other sport, I doubt. I don’t support any team, I don’t have any […]

Octopuses support Gay Rights

Two Jehovah’s Witnesses walked up to my door. One murder witness walked back.

Felix’s Incredible 100% True Animal Facts – Volume 3

Enclosed, please find a list of unbelievable animal facts. These facts have been well researched and documented, by proper professional people, and as such you can be assured of their absolute authenticity. No bullshit here, folks.

I wanted to write a proper post tonight…

It’s been a while since I’ve done a serious post, so I was thinking of maybe doing something on religion, or modern media, or sexual equality, or something with a similar gravitas. I took a notepad out at work, and jotted down a few ideas. Here’s what I came up with: Three different puns based […]

Felix’s Zinger

I don’t often speak up when confronted, or witnessing a confrontation, from an outside instigator, but when I do; boy, does my quick wit show them… So, some assholes came up to the bar at closing time last night. This is what happened. Asshole 1: What time do you close tonight? Co-worker: About five minutes, […]

My Secret Dream

I have a secret dream in life, that I hold close to my heart. I’m prepared to reveal it to you, dear friends, because I trust you, and love you. This is my dream…

Writer’s Block

The Olympic Torch comes to town… Great…

It passed through my town tonight. It went right past the window at work, and I didn’t even care enought to rotate my neck 70 degrees to the left. Then the fireworks started. Everyone ran outside to watch. I carried on working. I would rather work, then watch fireworks. Where is all the fucking joy […]

(hopefully not) Literal Advertising

Walking through Manchester city recently, I happened upon a large poster. This poster was an advert for a new energy drink, and the slogan at the top; in bright, bold, block capital letters read “NEVER STOPPING!“ This poster happened to have been printed on the side of a bus… Sometimes, people are amazing.

I’m thinking of writing a sitcom about a hunchbacked detective, and at some point in every episode, he’s going to say “Hang on, boys. I’ve got a hunch.”

That time we wandered around some fancy gardens

So Becky and I took a little visit to a fancy manor house recently. It was a pretty grand estate, formally in the possession of the British Royal Family. I even took a pee where the Queen’s mother used to pee… But don’t tell the queen. It was filled with all sorts of fancy-schmancy paintings […]

If I ever overhear someone saying “Relax, guys. I got this!”, I’m going to make damn sure he dies doing whatever it is that he thinks he’s got.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

If they have stones, they should build houses out of them. Why are these people living in glass houses when there are perfectly good stones to be used in the construction of more secure and sturdy housing? Stupid.

“Hey, this is Felix. Sorry I’m not available to take your call; but please leave your name, number, and an audio recording of you performing the chorus of Whitney Houston’s ‘I Will Always Love You’, and I may or may not get back to you, depending on how heartfelt and evocative I found the performance to be. Thank you.”

A Tribute to Black Hair and Eye Liner: Cheerful Alexander and his struggle to fit in with the goth kids

This is a story about a boy named Alexander Green. Alexander really wanted to be a goth. Lots of boys at his school were goth kids and he thought they were very cool. He would often try to hang out with them, but they told him to go away because of his apparent love of […]

Muslim Immigration in the UK: A humanitarian atheist’s view

Unlike where I grew up, which had a decent(ish) mixture of races and cultures, the place I currently live is quite segregated; and as such, a lot of the people here have quite a myopic view on the subject of middle-eastern immigration. “They should go back where they came from.” There’s a famous, but often […]

I came home and found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he replied saying that he just liked courtroom dramas.

Faux Pas of The Day

A guy I know showed me a Facebook profile picture of a girl on his phone today. He had covered up her face, leaving only a fairly large, not fat but ‘chunky’, body, with thick legs and a barrel-chest. Guy: What do you think of that? Alright body, eh? I naturally assumed this to be […]

Best Fucking Friends Forever!

It’s a weird concept, isn’t it; to have a ‘best‘ friend. I find it strange enough; the notion that while you may have lots of friends, one of them in particular is universally agreed to be the one that you like the most, but what’s even stranger is when someone refers to themselves as someone […]

People Watching in The Big City – A family game for the 21st Century

I spent yesterday in the nearby city of Manchester; and, as I waited for the ladies to buy their lady things, I had plenty of time to check out the plethora of peculiar passers by that were going about their lives around me. In doing so; I happened upon some interesting games one can play […]

Baby (Justin Bieber cover) – Cats with Capes

My girlfriend wanted to do a ‘special treat’ for her eight year old sister’s birthday, so she dragged me and our friend Genevra into this little mess. Not bad though…

Adventure Time – Cats with Capes

Becky, Genevra, and I recorded a little cover of the Adventure Time theme song. Because we’re awesome.

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