Being the pedantic arse that I am, I’m going to ask a few (presumably unanswerable) questions about the Islamic heaven, historically referred to as ‘Jannah‘. We all know a few of the key elements of this paradise, 72 virgins, giant palaces for everyone, rivers of milk and honey, and so on, and as I read into the writings on the subject, there were a few things I found somewhat unusual. So, here we go…
Literally from the second I grudgingly get out of bed in the morning (or quite often, the afternoon), all I want to do is get back in it. Sometimes if I do get into bed and it’s only the early afternoon, I’ll literally get giddy with excitement and just sit there wriggling around in pure ecstasy.
I have my opener worked out.
I’d walk out onto the stage totally naked, just with my hands covering my crotch-area. I’d act really unsure and confused, and I’d stand there for a few seconds until everyone went quiet. Then, with a look of stupid realisation on my face, I’d say:
“Ooohh… Picture the audience naked… Okay, hold on. I’ll be back in a second.”
And then I’d slowly reverse off stage, and come back fully dressed.
So, how does that sound?
So here’s something that caught my eye. For my American followers, this is the story of a young football (soccer) player named Fabrice Muamba, who had a heart attack on the pitch a few days ago, but is now recovering well. A friend of mine, Charlie, pointed something out to me after seeing this story, and it struck me as decidedly odd. So, Muamba claims that god helped him to get better after his heart attack… But surely this was after god gave a healthy, young, fit athlete a heart attack in the first place.
Every single night I hear my cats crashing and smashing and knocking things over in the other room. I hear them meowing and hissing and breaking things and tearing things, but then when I go through to survey the wreckage the following morning, there’s never a single item out of place.
These fucking cats creep me out.
Me: Good afternoon; The Angel Inn.
Guy: Oh, hi there. Umm… I was just wondering if I could ask you a quick question.
So when I went out today, I was planning on going via the bank to pay in my holiday fund. I took the whole bundle, a little more than a fair few hundred, and headed off. However, I forgot to take into account that I was a moron, so naturally the bank was closed, it being Saturday and all. I was now stuck in town with all that green in my pocket, so I went to hurriedly grab a snack and head home.
On the way back, I saw a homeless, drunk guy. I’ve spoken to him before, actually. The other day he very politely asked “Excuse me, sir… But would you like a fight?”, to which I calmly replied “No, thanks. I’m alright.”
So there he was, and I suddenly had a thought. The meanest part of my brain figured it might be funny to stand in front of him, and flip through my fold of money, which was otherwise all in £50 notes, and find the one £5 in the middle to give to him. I was wearing chinos, a vest and a cardigan, so I certainly looked like a rich shit head. I weighed up the pros (e.g. Hilarity) with the cons (e.g. Harshness) and made a decision that I stuck to.
Now, I’m not going to tell you whether or not I did it. I’ll leave that for you to decide… But it may or may not have been pretty funny.