Single Guy
Guy: Hey, what’s wrong. You seem upset.
Girl: Nothing. I’m fine.
Guy: Oh, right. Cool, sorry.
Short term relationship Guy
Guy: Hey, what’s wrong. You seem upset.
Girl: Nothing. I’m fine.
Guy: Hey, come on. You know you can talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.
Long term relationship Guy
Guy: Hey, what’s wrong. You seem upset.
Girl: Nothing. I’m fine.
Guy: Good.
I’ll be honest; I like bees, and I get that bees are important. The necessity of insect pollination is the reason the world is full of lovely, pretty, sweet smelling flowers. I like honey, that’s cool. I like looking at bumble bees, they’re cute. I like the noise. I like the way that when they sting something, they die, because it makes them seem like anthophila suicide bombers.
Having said that, after reading about “a steep decline in bee populations”, I’m really struggling to think of something I could possibly give less of a fuck about.
I mean, come on… Most of us barely care about the African genocides. How can we bee (get it?) expected to care about insect genocides…?
P.S. I want to meet the nutty scientist who said “There don’t seem to be quite as many bees around as there used to be.”
I’ve always been the youngest in my family, so I’ve never had to interact with kids all that much; but after four years living with my girlfriend and not far from her family, of whom she is the eldest in her generation, I’m forced to interact with young kids an awful lot.
Now here’s the thing. I’m occasionally roped into ‘helping out’ when it comes to entertaining them; and I’m fine with that, honestly, it’s cool. However, every now and then, this will evolve into more than looking at a drawing or throwing them up in the air, and I’ll perhaps be forced to play a board game with them… And therein lies the problem.
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I was strolling through town a couple of days ago, pretending I wasn’t late for work, when I came across an unusual sight. There was a young lady who looked no older than maybe twelve or thirteen. She had giant sunglasses and a backwards cap, a ‘top’ that was barely more than a bra (I think it’s called a ‘boob tube’ or something)’ and a pair of shorts that she had fashioned by cutting the legs of some jeans. Now the thing that struck me about the jean-shorts was that the desperate girl had cut them so short that her pocket linings were clearly hanging down her thighs.
This isn’t a rant about how twelve year olds shouldn’t be forced into the mindset of having to dress provocatively at their age; I’ve done that shtick before (see here), this is just about how badly I can’t reconcile what I consider to look acceptable, with what other people wear…
Every other step I tread at home, I’m tripping over a pair of my girlfriend’s shoes… And yet every time we’re within a mile of a shop, like a shark detecting blood in the ocean, she’ll scream “I really need to get some new shoes!” and be running off before I can say a word to the contrary.
Mental.
Have any of you guys ever tried that 5 gum? It’s the most over-hyped chewing gum ever conceived. The ridiculously hyperbolic marketing equates it to ‘standing in the spot where lightning just struck‘ and they have adverts like the one where a guy lies down on a gigantic speaker covered in ball bearings, and then gets thrashed around by the bass.
Seriously? I bought some of it yesterday. It was shit. It tasted like broccoli for four seconds and then nothing for two minutes until I spat it out.
If they start bitching about how it’s like ‘riding an iceberg through time while a hurricane blows in your face‘, they could at least make it not suck.
Okay, I made up that last one… But you get the idea.
Honestly, you think it’s bad to sleep with someone without knowing their name?
Half the time when I sleep with someone, I don’t even know their species.
This morning, my girlfriend dropped her favourite bowl and it smashed on the floor. She immediately ran out of the room and I found her in the kitchen crying and saying “But it was so beautiful!”
I can’t wait ‘till we one day have a kid that I can accidentally kill.
