I’m just saying what we’re all thinking, Mr Triple Play

So I’m clicking around on Amazon, looking to buy some new DVDs. I’m actually buying Blu-Rays, but it makes me feel pretentious to call them that, because it basically implies that yes, I do have a 42 inch HD plasma screen, so I’ll keep calling them DVDs for now. Anyway, so I’m buying Blu-Rays (I don’t have to hide my success from you losers), but all I keep finding is these bizarre Triple Play sets. Basically it means that if you want to buy a movie on Blu-Ray, you also get the DVD version, and the digital version of the same movie with it.

That makes sense. Because sometimes when I watch a film in HD, I think to myself “Now what would that exact same film look like in slightly lower resolution?”. Then, after another two hours of watching the film I just watched, I think to myself “Now what would that look like on a small laptop screen, as opposed to a 42 inch HD plasma screen, with tinny sound and a dulling backlight?” Now perhaps it’s because three members of the same family want to watch the same film at the same time, but in order to maintain an appropriate hierarchy, they have to watch the film in varying qualities. Perhaps the man of the house gets the Blu-Ray on the plasma screen, the wife gets the DVD on the small TV in the kitchen or bedroom, and the son or daughter has to watch it on their computer with headphones. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.

What I do know is this. Triple Play box sets are a stupid idea.

About these ads

That time that I accidentally hooked up with a transsexual…

It was so weird, because I had no idea! She was very feminine and beautiful, and she spoke softly and walked daintily. We got to talking in a bar, and she was extremely witty and flirtatious, coy and yet enticing. I invited her back to mine and she kissed me as soon as we walked through the door. She had soft lips and skin and I was falling head over heels.

Then a few minutes after she had slipped her cock into my ass, I looked back and realised that she had a massive adam’s apple!

Boy, was that a surprise!

My hand is nowhere near my genitals, I swear!

So it was just after four in the morning and I was getting a little bit bored waiting to fall asleep, so I started listening to music on my headphones. After a little while, Stevie Wonder’s ‘Superstition’ came on. Now I don’t ever, ever dance; but I defy anyone to not get so much as a wiggle when that song comes on. The problem however, was that I didn’t realise I was wiggling a bit, and suddenly my girlfriend woke up and thought that I was lying next to her, while she was fast asleep, masturbating.

Yeah. Awkward moment. It actually involved me having to uncomfortably blurt out the words “Look, see? It’s totally flaccid.” before she dropped her head down onto her pillow and immediately went back to sleep.

This will be one of those lovely moments we may one day share with our children.

And I suppose you’re mad that Jesus doesn’t answer your prayers?

I overheard some loser customer at work talking to one of the bartenders about a famous British comedian. He started talking about how he though he was really funny on TV, but that he was a dick in real life. My co-worker asked him why he thought this, and the man replied with “I saw a really funny street sign that someone had graffitied on, and I took a picture and sent it to him on twitter, but he never replied.”

I had a quick look, and it turns out that this comedian has 1.8 million followers on twitter.

I have less than 2 thousand, and even I don’t bother replying to every comment I get sent, so quite why this fellow was offended at the fact that this comedian doesn’t make time to personally address millions of fans, makes me think that perhaps he isn’t quite intelligent enough to realise what a redundant point he was making…

How the word ‘Pleonastic’ saved me from a gang assault

If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s basically using more words than you need to, to express the same thing, or when one word makes another one redundant. E.g. ‘A free gift’ or ‘a true fact’.

So anyway, this word perhaps saved my life. It was about five years ago, and my pyscho ex-girlfriend had pissed me off, so I was walking down by the riverside; middle of nowhere at about three in the morning, when all of a sudden, I was surrounded by a group of seven chavs (for anyone who may not know what a ‘chav’ is, it’s like a a violent, troublesome teenager, who wears gold chains and track suits and huge Nike trainers and has his trousers half-way down his ass and spits on the street and swears and shoplifts and attacks strangers with all his friends and knocks up underage girls and binge drinks in fields and all the other disgusting habits you can imagine… Basically, all of the people who were part of the London riots a few months ago). Now, usually you’d imagine that I’d be pretty scared, but at this point in my life, I really didn’t give a shit what happened to me, so when they started making threats and acting tough, I just told them to fuck off.

Here’s where the magic happened. The chav leader (there’s always an alpha male leader, usually which ever one has the most issues with his numerous step-dads) began walking right up to me and said something like “You fink you’re hard, mate? What are you… A fuckin’ stupid idiot or sumfin’?”. One would expect that I’d grovel and apologise and run away, but in my sheer petulant manner, I looked around at them and calmly said “Sorry… Mate… But were I a ‘stupid idiot’, I hardly think I’d be capable of identifying the term ‘stupid idiot’ as being pleonastic.” They looked at me, confusedly, and then started laughing. Not at the very witty joke I had made of course, but rather at the fact that, as they then stated, I “talk like a fuckin’ faggot!”, and then they just sort of ambled to one side and I walked off, listening to them yelling profanities and insults as I did.

So, on behalf of every well-read or verbose Englishman around, I say…

Thanks, vocabulary.

Conversations with Ian – Tom Cruise and The Babysitter

20120118-140534.jpg

Felix: What’s your favourite film?
Ian: Uhh… I’ve got two.
Felix: Well, what are they?
Ian: One’s Top Gun and one’s Armageddon.
Felix: … Those are both… Awful. Why? Armageddon?
Ian: Yeah, it’s kinda funny.
Felix: Funny? What’s funny about Armageddon; there’s not a single joke in that film.
Ian: It’s humour…
Felix: Okay… So, so why Top Gun? That’s pretty homoerotic.
Ian: It’s just… It’s a movie… It’s a movie I watched with my babysitter when I was fifteen and she was twenty… … three.
Felix: How does that impact on the film?
Ian: ‘Cause I remember I went to see it, I was into aeroplanes at the time. So I watched the movie Top Gun.
Felix: Well, why does it matter about the babysitter?
Ian: ‘Cause she were to… Mah… The babysitter were babysitting me when I wanted to watch the movie.
Continue reading

I just puked on some dude’s balls – or – Why I hate Ke$ha

20120118-004006.jpg

So there are two main reasons why American singer Ke$ha gets on my nerves. Now, this obviously isn’t taking into account her actual music, because I’d be ranting and raving about the death of creativity and integrity all day. No, this is just about two things that I once read that she’d said. I have no idea why I was reading something about Kesha (Yeah, I’m going to stop the dollar sign crap), but I remember it being quite a while back, so maybe it’s because I hadn’t heard of her at the time. Anyway, find enclosed two loose quotes from Kesha, and why they irritated me so much.

Continue reading