Monthly Archives: January 2012

I’m just saying what we’re all thinking, Mr Triple Play

So I’m clicking around on Amazon, looking to buy some new DVDs. I’m actually buying Blu-Rays, but it makes me feel pretentious to call them that, because it basically implies that yes, I do have a 42 inch HD plasma screen, so I’ll keep calling them DVDs for now. Anyway, so I’m buying Blu-Rays (I […]

Happiness

To me, happiness is when you make a witty, sarcastic or generally inappropriate comment to someone you barely know, and in turn they unexpectedly reply with something equally as witty, sarcastic or generally inappropriate.

That time that I accidentally hooked up with a transsexual…

It was so weird, because I had no idea! She was very feminine and beautiful, and she spoke softly and walked daintily. We got to talking in a bar, and she was extremely witty and flirtatious, coy and yet enticing. I invited her back to mine and she kissed me as soon as we walked […]

My hand is nowhere near my genitals, I swear!

So it was just after four in the morning and I was getting a little bit bored waiting to fall asleep, so I started listening to music on my headphones. After a little while, Stevie Wonder’s ‘Superstition’ came on. Now I don’t ever, ever dance; but I defy anyone to not get so much as […]

Mitt vs Newt

And I suppose you’re mad that Jesus doesn’t answer your prayers?

I overheard some loser customer at work talking to one of the bartenders about a famous British comedian. He started talking about how he though he was really funny on TV, but that he was a dick in real life. My co-worker asked him why he thought this, and the man replied with “I saw […]

How the word ‘Pleonastic’ saved me from a gang assault

If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s basically using more words than you need to, to express the same thing, or when one word makes another one redundant. E.g. ‘A free gift’ or ‘a true fact’. So anyway, this word perhaps saved my life. It was about five years ago, and my pyscho ex-girlfriend had […]

Kill them with kindness? Better idea…

Conversations with Ian – Tom Cruise and The Babysitter

Felix: What’s your favourite film? Ian: Uhh… I’ve got two. Felix: Well, what are they? Ian: One’s Top Gun and one’s Armageddon. Felix: … Those are both… Awful. Why? Armageddon? Ian: Yeah, it’s kinda funny. Felix: Funny? What’s funny about Armageddon; there’s not a single joke in that film. Ian: It’s humour… Felix: Okay… So, […]

I just puked on some dude’s balls – or – Why I hate Ke$ha

So there are two main reasons why American singer Ke$ha gets on my nerves. Now, this obviously isn’t taking into account her actual music, because I’d be ranting and raving about the death of creativity and integrity all day. No, this is just about two things that I once read that she’d said. I have […]

holmes January 11

His Last Bow – A Film Review of Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Sherlock Holmes has been given the Hollywood treatment once again, and like his first outing, this adventure proved to have disastrous consequences for Mr Holmes. Not the character in the movie, of course… I mean, it had disastrous consequences for the well-loved, British institution devised by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle one hundred and twenty five […]

Sherlock Holme-Wrecker

Becky and I are going to see the new Robert Downey Jr. ‘Sherlock Holmes’ movie tonight. While I thought the first one was okay as a movie in its own right, I did object to having Holmes’ famous name on it. As someone who reads and loves Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original novels and short […]

Conversations with Ian – Bish Bash Bosh Big Bang

FELIX: Do you believe in life on other planets? IAN: Probably… If I saw a ship, then yes. Little green men on other planets, yes. Esstravesstra. FELIX: What? I can’t write this down if it doesn’t make any sense. IAN: Esstralestious… FELIX: Are you trying to say ‘extraterrestrial’? IAN: Yes.

Four years on…

Today marks four years that I’ve been living with Rebecca. We moved in together the day we started seeing each other, and with both of us lacking many friends in this desolate area, excluding work, we’ve spent almost every second of every day in one another’s company ever since. If I’m honest, I couldn’t be […]

Another drink for the portly gentleman with the empty glass and the teary eyes…

As someone who has worked in the bar trade for a while, there is a specific breed of customer that I have learned to dread. Often misinterpreted as a friendly novelty, I speak of the ‘beloved regular‘, in essence, a person who frequents the bar on an almost daily basis. I do not speak of […]

My New Year’s Resolutions

1. Breed my very own talking dragon and become best friends with him and go on adventures together and stuff. 2. Be an astronaut and go to space and meet all the friendly aliens and hang out with them. 3. Grow up.

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