Okay… So we all remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the shitty cartoons and comics about the anthropomorphic warrior turtles with their rat master, Splinter, right? And do you all remember the primary antagonist of the franchise, the evil samurai looking guy called Shredder? Well for those of you that do, but aren’t sure as to just what became of him… I would like to inform you of something…
The Turtles decapitated him.
This isn’t like Sonic the Hedgehog, where Robotnik gets a bonk on the head; nor is it Mario, where Bowser gets kicked. This is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…
And when you fuck with them… They cut your fucking head off.
I decided to interview Jayde, a young scottish girl I work with, about her thoughts on a few famous figures… And yes, it is as hard to read as she is to understand.
Set during Barrack Obama’s May 2011 state visit to Britain, this transcript was taken once all the cameras had been switched off and President Obama and British Prime Minister David Cameron were given a moment to relax.
A lovely one to get us started…
Ian: Why are people so thick today… Lot of thick people around… Is it thick Sunday?
Felix: It’s thursday, Ian.
I regret to inform you that I am having to revoke the use of the term ‘winning’ from the lexicon of you, and every other individual who propagates it’s use. This decision has been made based on a refusal to allow a famous and/or mental person to simply say a word in, quite clearly, the wrong context, and then have it become ‘a thing’. For instance, were a non famous and/or mental person to throw a ball of paper into the bin from a fair distance, and then exclaim the word “Ducket”, one would not expect said word to become synonymous with succeeding in an unlikely endeavour.
I hope this clears up any concerns you have over the retraction of this term from the (short) list of words you may use without causing any problems.
I would also be very grateful if you could somehow get hold of the legendary early 90s Charlie Sheen, and inform him of what a piece of shit he will inevitably become.
F. M. O’Shea
This is a fight I would seriously pay to see.
God, I hate the British media.
Also… “Your HATE”?
I have no hate for this, I don’t give half a fuck about it whatsoever! Don’t try to force me to hate stuff! I have enough trouble with people who say ‘expresso’ instead of ‘espresso’.
I heard a song in the shops today and in it, they had to censor out the word ‘god’ in ‘god damn’, presumably in case any one was offended by the light blasphemy.
I vote we implement a new rule:
If you are the kind of person that gets offended easily by trivial things… Stay at home.
Okay… A few little snap shots of things that have made me laugh… Well, not actually laugh, but at least do that short sharp exhalation out of my nose that suggests I find something as amusing as I am capable of finding something in that ‘other people wouldn’t laugh at this, but when I look at it, I see fodder for a satirical rant in the making’ kind of way.
Herein lies a list of silly hypothetical questions… That kind of question you had really ought to get used to if you want to spend more than 5 minutes around me.
Not that you would.
Please feel free to leave any comments/answers and justifications, as well as more questions.
I have recently come across one of your kind and shall address him thusly…