Conversations With Ian – Airport Island

Talking about the frozen airport runways during the winter.

IAN: Why, right… don’t they just do, like… underfloor heating to heat up the runways so they don’t get all frozen.

FELIX: What, just dig up every runway in the country? Because it would cost millions and interfere with all the flights for months or years to come.

IAN: Well, they could just do, like… one really hot strip down the middle that heats the whole thing.

FELIX: Well, yeah but it’s tarmac-type stuff isn’t it? In order for the heating strip to heat the whole runway, it would have to be hotter than the tarmac can stand without melting.

IAN: Nahh, there would be a way… or maybe have them going out to sea. That would save room.

FELIX: I thought we were talking about keeping them warm!? Besides, they do have runways that go out to sea.

IAN: Yeah, but I mean, like, in the sea; like, you go along a giant bridge to get to it.

FELIX: Uhh… because then you’d have to drive ages to get there. What’s the point of this?

IAN: Well, no… you fly there.


IAN: It’s like… a boat.

FELIX: Like a giant aircraft carrier?

IAN: Yeah. So you fly there.

FELIX: To the airport? From another airport? Why? Don’t forget, we’re talking about airports. Not just… things that would be cool. Why would anyone want to fly to an airport in the middle of the sea? You realise that people don’t go to airports for the airports, they go to visit the adjacent countries. So why would they want to go to an airport island?

IAN: You could go scuba diving.

FELIX: Yeah… and then what? Fly home?

IAN: Yeah… just go scuba diving… and muff diving. Could be, like, Hugh Heffner’s Island. You get there… get greeted by a dolly bird with her baps out. Would be like a cave.

FELIX: Why… why would it be a cave? You can’t fly a plane into a cave. Why would it be a cave!?

IAN: It’s a hole. Think about it.

FELIX: Like the island is a giant vagina being penetrated by an aeroplane?

IAN: Loads of pussy. Bish Bash Bosh.

FELIX: Right… but… so, it’s like a holiday island now? And not just a floating airport?

IAN: All I’m saying is… it could be an airport.

FELIX: But then… people are just going to an airport… for a holiday… a holiday at an airport.

IAN: Yeah.

At this point, I screwed up a tiny bit of paper, and dropped it in a nearby glass of milk.

FELIX: There. That’s your airport. Do you want to go there for your holiday?

IAN: Nah, it’s a bit milky.


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