Anatomy of The Brain (of a tabloid reader)


This nifty front cover to a recent issue of Emergency Toilet Paper (or The News of the World, as it prefers to be called), presents us with a handy insight into the inner workings of the sub-species of human that would find themselves inclined to read (unless subject is unable to read; a likely scenario) such a paper.

If you exclude the title, and of course the FIVE POUNDS OFF (if you spend £30) VOUCHER, then you are left with a page split into 4 nice boxes.

On the top left we have an article concerning the personal life of a footballer, with the added bonus of an elderly person being somehow wronged. Next to it we have an article concerning the personal life of a footballer, with the added bonus of an attractive prostitute who is, of course, pictured topless inside. Both articles are presented with pictures of the main character shown in big, and then some useless supporting character making funny faces at the bottom to aid in continuity, setting a specific connection between both stories, in case the reader became fearful at having to take in multiple totally seperate pieces of information. Oh, and don’t miss the lovely little pun at the top. Ahh, I get it; FOUL! Brilliant.

On the bottom right we have another famous person misbehaving: this time it’s good old Prince Andrew, arguably the most useless member of a useless family. There were some fears that the average reader wouldn’t quite catch the subtle pun in the title, so the clever editors changed the colour slightly, to make it stand out. Also, let’s not forget that this article includes the most terrifying creature in all the world; the monster that sleeps under every bed, and waits behind every closed door, and lurks in every shadow: the dreaded peadophile.

Finally, on the bottom left: some unimportant crap about something in China or Japan or whatever. What do we care about foreign shit? This is ‘The News of The World’, not ‘The News of The World‘, am I right?

It’s also amusing to note the page numbers of the aforementioned article. This is obviously page 1. The unimportant black and white drivel goes on page 2, which no one ever reads because of what’s on page 3. Page 3: Tits. Awesome. Page 4 and 5 is where we see the most important story of the day: a famous footballer trying to sleep with a famous prostitute, famous for having slept with another famous footballer. There is a nice big shot of the lovely lady, which is almost identical to the one above, but without the bikini top on, which sort of makes the ‘take a picture of her without her knowing as she’s getting out of a swimming pool’ a little less believable, seeing as she posed in different outfits. There is also an account of some naughty texts between the two, including showing us some rude phone photos (it’s not news without some of them), and, of course, a disturbing amount of football puns, not to mention the phrases ‘a source told us’. No further detail? Really? Just ‘a source’? Yeah, that sounds reliable. Page 6 was something that sounded a bit too ‘newsy’ for me, but I assure you it wasn’t important because they never bother putting colour into the unimportant ones. Next we have page 7, another fascinating story of someone not quite related to, BUT RELATED TO a footballer. It’s not Lamps’ gran, but the gran of someone who must be connected to him in some way by some extraneous link. Then we have to sit through 4 pages of stuff about some ‘terrible disaster’ in a foreign country. But don’t worry, it’s pretty much just pictures. Pictures of funny little Asian people being unfortunate. Then we have a few pages of other great stories, and then right back in pages 34 and 35, it’s that thing about a royal family member that I pretended to be interested in so that I could slag off the running of this country but don’t actually want to read about. Then, thank god, more football stuff until the end. A cracking read! If I only knew how to read. Great pictures though! Did you see the one on page 3? With the tits?

So there we have it. The front cover is like a nifty diagram, which allows us to categorise the thoughts of a News of the World reader.

35% – Horrible things happening in Britain with an underlying theme of football to make it more interesting.

35% – Naughty things happening with sexy girls with an underlying theme of football to make it more interesting.

25% – How terrible british leadership figures are with an underlying theme of A PEADOPHILE!! ARRGH!!

5% – Anything else that happened on another channel while I was watching the footie.

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