Monthly Archives: March 2011

photo-5 March 31

Another Productive Shift

It was rather quiet at work today, so I grabbed a pen and started doodling on one of the order pads. I think it speaks volumes about my love of the service industry that this is what came out.

Well.i.am Pissed Off

While watching some rubbish on 4oD, it reached the halfway point, meaning some fifteen second adverts were going to pop up and irritate me, which I had to sit through. It was during one of these advert breaks that my glazed over brain was suddenly awoken, just in time to hear The Black Eyed Peas […]

Kept Awake by a Bird

I want to say a quick thank you to this little bastard, who has thus far, kept me awake till half past 6 in the morning. I find it difficult to think of a way to be less productive with my time without trying to teach George W. Bush about possessive plurals.

image March 27

Shiny Turds for the Unwashed Masses

Today’s little ramble is on advertising, or to be more precise, sucker-advertising; the kind of advertising we see all the time where something mundane is made to look cool to lure in the idiots: like a deodorant that makes hundreds of gorgeous, scantily clad women start clawing at your genitals, or a chewing gum that sends […]

My Inner Child

I closed my eyes and asked my inner child if he was happy with how my life was turning out; if he was proud of the person I had become and if he thinks I have grown up into a man who hasn’t compromised the innocence and wonder of my youth… This is how he […]

image March 23

The Prehistoric Predators Lurking at Tesco

I was sat here, as I often am at three in the morning, pondering a topic upon which to write about, and I scoured my brain only to come up with a few dusty scraps of unintelligible drivel about the sorry state of modern music or the shameful hyperbolising of tabloid newspapers. So, in lieu […]

Night time writings

I’m sat in bed, wide awake as I usually am at these obscene hours of the night, at such a loss of ideas as to what to do, that I’m now going to write about said loss of ideas as to what to do, in an effort of turning it into an idea of what […]

How to Get Spit in Your Food

Listed here is a few of the things that a person can do to thoroughly piss off a bar tender or waiter. Please don’t do any of them.

image March 18

Colgate Total. Because You’re a Complete Fucking Idiot.

I literally just had to stop everything I was doing (watching 10 O’Clock Live and playing Angry Birds in bed… Rock and roll…) to write about the literally horrific advert that just popped up, and it honestly made me think about how some adverts actually get made. At some point the people who write them […]

Becky’s Midnight Madness

I say midnight, but it’s usually closer to about 3 or 4 in the morning when Becky, my girlfriend, will suddenly wake up and not realise that she’s no longer dreaming, or that I wasn’t in her dream in the first place and therefore can’t continue any conversation that was ongoing during the dream. A […]

image March 13

Anatomy of The Brain (of a tabloid reader)

This nifty front cover to a recent issue of Emergency Toilet Paper (or The News of the World, as it prefers to be called), presents us with a handy insight into the inner workings of the sub-species of human that would find themselves inclined to read (unless subject is unable to read; a likely scenario) such […]

The Cow that laid an Egg

I thought that the teaching of such inaccurate biology to children was only found in religious texts…?

Hey, I’ve got my New Shoes on

Okay, seeing as I work in a fairly busy bar/restaurant, on 8 to 12 hour shifts each working day, I tend to have a lot of problems with tired, sore feet. I have been recently growing more and more inclined to buy some of those big skateboarder shoes because of how padded and comfortable they […]

It’s Time to Let Her Go

Okay… This is a very sensitive subject, so I’ll get one thing straight before I start. I’m not denying the tragedy of the story itself. It was a terrible story and a shock to parents and people everywhere and so on and so on. Now, it’s been almost four years since Maddie McCann disappeared and […]

I went for a trip to the London Natural History Museum today. I saw a dinosaur, stood next to a blue whale, checked out a hump-back lizard and a bearded goat and even got to see a gross hairy walrus and some kind of disgusting prehistoric reptile rodent. Ah, the sights of London… Although sadly, the museum was closed.

image March 10

Why I can’t look at The Sun

Okay, now I know it is a little bit easy to point out any grievances with The Sun ‘newspaper‘, being that the only genuine use for it is to blow in the wind during a ‘last man on Earth looking at the ruins of empty London’ movie moment, and I am also well aware that […]

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